headed down

Although things have been pushed under the rug for the last few months (thanks to wedding histeria), they are now surfacing and..not looking pretty.
All in all, we ( my immediate family) and it seems; the entire US are headed for a downward spiral. Now, I reconize that there are many families out there far worse off than us..but, right now..Im looking a few months down the road and thinking "what the hell are we going to do?"
Eric is currently working roughly 25 hours a week and makes..a whopping 11/hr. So, he is supporting a family a four soley by himself. Thankfully and unfortunately, I was forced to take out extra money on my school loan this past month (for the 1st time). And it has been nice, we have been riding steady, but the wedding ( and the 1,200+ it cost us all together) really cleaned out the bank and now, at this pace we're ok for another month if things stay the way there are.
But, in another month exactly we will have another child here! And one month away from that is Christmas and I am starting to wonder how this is possibly going to happen.
Also, a huge deal is the fact that Eric's small business that he works for (approx. 15 ppl employed) is waiting on a huge amount of money that was never paid for thier services and Eric and I both agree...his company will not make it though this change in our economy. So, of course..like always, he is job searching. But, pickings ( more like hirings) are getting slim..the unemplyment rate is rising everyday and people tell Eric he is lucky to at least HAVE a job. We really need to move in another direction. The shitty thing is...I feel worthless. I just sit here contributing nothing. yes, I attend school full time..but that is a headache on it's own..my ONE class that I needed to take this semester, the entire reason I am even attempting to finsish this semester even though I will deliver dear baby 3 weeks before exams..is..I NEED CHEM TO APPLY TO THE PROGRAM.
and right now,
I am failing.Seriously, no joke..failing. I have no idea whats going on in class, I go to every class, participate,ask questions, take notes and still when test time comes (possibly the easiest tests ever)...I fail them. I don't even know how I'm capable of failing them because my teacher makes them so dumb friendly, yet...my highest grade in the class (including lab quiz's) a 70%...which was WITH the curve.
I need a "c" to use the class towards my application. How frustrating is is that I am hoping for a c?! I have a freakin 3.8 GPA and I am praying for a c!!! Not only that, but admission into the program is solely based on grades and very competitive. They only accept 24 students a year out of the 100+ that apply.
I will never forgive myself if I do not make into the program. My whole family will suffer the consequences of me wanting to do this school thing and not being happy with the job I had (that at least brought home a paycheck) and then I fail at getting accepted? I will be crushed with guilt.
I am trying to be optimistic about everything in general. I look back and realize that during times of desperate need, somehow we pulled through. There was always an extra check or a random thing that helped or the love and support of our familes.
But..I wonder how long our good luck will last. And I look at Danny, who is now old enough tounderstand whats and needs and I see him go without and stop asking for things because he knows the answer revolves around a lack of money and this is what kills me, tortures me.
I am being depressing, sorry.
on a good note:
I am completely cured of my "bugs"! I finished my antibiotics on Monday and still no symptoms of the grusomeness.
I saw my Dear Tabby yesterday. jayden and danny played for 3 hours in bk's playplace. We caught up on life, traded baby pics (she is due with twins in march) and I allowed her to totally use my should to cry on. Which made me feel good because it put things into perspective for me.
At least I have a husband who is practically perfect compared to the men she finds. And If I think money problems are hard, I have no clue! What she ( and a few other friends of mine) go through with relationships and baby's daddy's...is ridiculous and I would end up in the mental ward.
Eric did get a call back ona job with AT&T. He has to go do some testing thing up in cleveland and the sample questions are tricky..so, I'll keep my fingers crossed. But, i am done getting involved with hoping and dreaming..I am now realistic. Which is sad in a way.
Things are so calm now that the wedding is over, I have completely given myself over to my books and..Im trying to really crunch on school stuff, but it's tricky between children and dr. appts everyother day.
and I wonder how I ever did this plus one more class and worked?!!? am i insane?
thats about all.
Keeping my chin up...manly because my children are constantly around and so damn cute, it's hard to not believe it will all work out.