confession

I must admit that
I look out houses for sale, knowing full well that I am in no place to even consider buying them.
I don't do it all the time, only once in a while. But, when I do...and when I find one that totally fits all off my essentials immenities, which rarely happens, I become almost obessed and think about this house constantly and see myself actually IN the house and outside of the house in my future, doing like normal..weird rountine things, gardening and watching my boys run around the house. They are usually about 3 years older, but I look just as young as I am now, minus 10 lbs and Eric actually has his hair cut and bear trimmed.
Is that weird?
Eric thinks I am insane, because he will come home from work and I will tell him all about this "house I found" and I rattle off the price, location, unique details as if tommorow we would pick up the phone and call to schedule a viewing (which I've considered, but I must draw the line somewhere.)
The way I see it is..
It is very important to know EXACTLY what you want out of a house and be informed about costs and property values. Also, with the economy the way it is, it is truly possible that this house or any other that I fall in love with could still be sitting lonely and un-occupied in 2-3 years when we are actually ready to buy. It has happened before. But, most importantly..why the hell am I busting my ass by getting a higher education if I am not allowed to dream of my future and plan it the way I want it?
Since Eric and I have been together, we have always been broke. And I mean...broke, below poverty level, disgustingly lacking. I have always been happy with my children, health, love and all that crap. Eric and I (and my kids, but not as much) have gone without...many things.
These are just a few examples.
I havent bought shaving cream in 2 years! Yep, 2 years. Dont worry, I shave. But, I will not allow myself tospend 3 bucks on something I dont need, although its nice and I would really love some.
I havent bought new underwear,not a single pair since...well, xmas 06 Eric bought me some.
I have one pair of pants that fit. ONE! and i refuse to buy anymore.
I have not shopped anywhere, but goodwill for myself since before Zach was born...he's almost 2.
I asked for a shower liner and a bathmat for xmas from Eric's parents...
We only own like..5 forks and 4 spoons, 4 glasses and 3 chipped, mismatched bowls and an assortment of randomp plates because we cant afford a new set. Actually, this might be a good thing because it forces me to do the dishes..a lot.

So..consdiering all that and much more I cant think of right now...
Is it so wrong to look to the future and daydream about a house that I may never step into, when at least I can relish in the hope that I still hold in my goals and dreams?
Eric is such a scrooge..why can't he just go there with me and pretend, just talk about it like it might happen.
I fear he will lose hope before me, especially as of late, with the economy spiriling down and his job balancing on the line of a possible layoff. Sometimes I see it in his eyes, he's quiet staring off into space, wondering how the hell he will support his family of 5...his 3 young boys when he loses his job. I hate those silent moments the most, when I know he is lost somewhere in thoughts full of despair, while I invision myself dancing with my kids in my brand new kitchen with it's oak cabinets and ceramic tiled floords.
So, that is how I cope.
I don't think it's crazy at all, I think it's smart and everyone should do it.
I refuse to wallow in the "what if's" and the "how's?" I will just dance in circles in my head in whatever mansion I choose for the day, with my children laughing and smiling and not a single thought in my head except "man, the ride here was rough..but, damn this is sweet."