totally AMAZING

I cannot believe what Zach just did. (who is only 17 months!)
I'm sitting here on the computer doing my normal daily rountine; drinking coffee and keeping in touch with the outside world. Zach runs over and grabs his crotch area and sort of whimpers and startes at me like he needs something, which he has been doing for a few weeks. So, I ask the normal questions "Do you need a diaper change?" He gives no response other than another whimper and the continued stare. So, I ask..."Did you poop?" At this point, he turns and walks down the hall. Normally, he meets me in his bedroom so I can change his diaper. I thought THIS level of communication was incredible for his age. I mean, the simple fact that he is already expressing needs of being changed just blows my mind because he is so young. Well, today..just a few moments ago, instead of going to his bedroom he stops in front of the bathroom..where the door is closed and point at the door and whimpers. I say,"you don't want to go in there..c'mon, let's change your diaper." He continues to point, very adamently. So, I say "what, you want to go potty?" But really...I am just kidding. He hits the door and screams pretty loudly as if to say..yeah..c'mon already. At this point, I'm thinking...yeah right...but I'll amuse myself, so I open the door. He runs in and goes straight to the potty and opens the freakin seat. NOw, Im kind of shocked...like how far are we really going to go here? I cannot believe he is even aware of what goes on in here. But, Im all for the possiblity. So, i slip off his diaper, throw his butt on the seat and..
HE PEED! Ok, not a lot..but..a little. I am completely stunned. Of course I make a huge deal about it to him, after I realize what a huge deal it really is. And then to top it off, after I lay him down and put his diaper back on...he get's up and wants to wash his hands?@?!?
WOAH! What is going on??? yesterday I had a teething 17 mo. old who woke up and is now potty training??
My mother and I were just talking yesterday about how early he comminicated bathroom needs..but, damn. This is almost insane.
I just cannot believe it. So,of course my first thought is..."Im breaking out the potty chair"
But, really? Or is this just a fluke? Should I roll with it or wait?? I mean, really..his only words so far are: "momma, dad, "D" (danny), hi and fish"...lol..I know, but he says fish. Other than that...nothing..so how will he commnicate that he has to pee?? or wait, he just did.
I dont know. I dont want to start him too early and delay it because he isn't ready.
I guess all I can do is bring up the chair and see what happens.
I wasnt planning on starting his training till at least 2...which isnt till march! And plus, we are planning on moving him from the crib to the bottom of a bunk bed, which he'll share with danny in a brand new room very soon...I really don't want to put too much on him
He does have another baby on the way..in less than 12 weeks.
insane.
just mindblowing madness.
wow.
I love my suppppper smart boys!

I am about sooooo done.

I was married 2 years ago on July 29th, 2006. It was a beautiful wedding, it was thoughtfully planned and perfectly executed. Looking back, I realize I would NEVER plan a wedding again and I also understand completely why people choose to elope.
I am currently the "matron of honor" for my sister in law who will be married in 4 weeks, on Oct. 4th (the day after my bday). This "honor" is tuning into only a headache and actually causing me to see all the downsides of my friend, she is turning into a self absorbed, demanding, ridiculous requesting nightmare. To be honest, I dread picking up the phone..and she calls me at least 5x a day.
Keep in mind, when I was planning my wedding. I did it 100% by myself. At the time, Eric and I were very young and the first couple out of all of our friends to get married. our bridal party..which was 10 ( 5 on each side) really didin't KNOW what thier responsiblities were and in fact, failed us. We still love them of course. In fact, I planned my own bach. party and bridal shower..my maid of honor, my best friend in the whole world..totally sucked at her position. I am over it obviously. And I didnt let any of it ruin my day.
While planning my wedding, I worked FULL time without a cut in hours and also was raising a 2 year old and Eric was going through a period of slowtimes at work and his paychecks were not great..at all. I did all thatby myself and never once interferred with anyone else's life or made my problems..theiers.
My dear,lovely sister in law is...screwing everyone. In fact, her bridesmaids are to the point where we roll out eyes and laugh. She has no idea how ridiculous she is being. She has taken 1 day off a week from work, to "work on wedding stuff" and has now requested that my mother in law, her mother help her on those days. THAT day happens to be the one day that I have always had my mother in law watch my kids, I have school on that day and also work on my online class and take my tests and now, I go to the dr. every 2 weeks for this preg. and we had planned on me making my appts on that same day so I am never forced to take 2 young children with me.
So, now I have no one to watch the kids for my appointments, I cannot take my tests online when I should, instead I have to do it while zach is naping and pray he stays asleep for an hour and video games will keep danny occupied while I take my timed tests.
NOt only that, but she calls me throughout the day to worry about things I Am suppsed to be in charge of, she worried about every freakin detail of the bach. party..but also wanted everything to be a damn surpise, tell me how that is possible.And now she calls to worry about the shower, and this and that.....leave me alone.
She also plans this random get togethers on sat. nights with the entire bridal party, that no one knows about until the last miunnute and if for some reason you can't come..you are now a piece of shit and have ruined her entire life.
She shows up everywhere stressed and pissed and huffing and puffing. Instead of devoting all of her free time to the wedding stuff (she she is always so stressed about "everything that needs done", her and her man go out to eat and watch tv all night..doing nothing. Oh, and the day she has stolen my childcare and support system..she brings her over there to tie some dumb bows on cards..while...get this:
she cleans her fucking house!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I have 2 children, pregant with another, have worked full time and I go to school full time and in my entire career as a mother,student, employee and wife..I have never had anyone come over and do my petty shit for me..while I clean
and then she had the audacity to tell me mother in law the bows"must be straight"
do it yourself,you lazy ass.
I am so sick of people expecting you do bend over backwards when they can't lift a finger for themselves.
oh god..get me through this without murdering.

offically a nerd

I have just recently decided what to write my term paper on...a drum roll is in order:
The History Of Portage Lakes.
Yeah, I know..nerdy as hell and yet...I am totally excited. I went to the library today which I might add, was a really nice break from my normal routine of being a mom. I was completely kid free and I ended up sitting in one of those uncomfortable chair things in the middle of the long row of books, with my glasses wishing I had a nice cup of starbucks to complete my wonderful moment.
Any way, the stuff I am finding is actually really interesting..because I live here and this place has a HUGE history and some kinda interesting unknown facts and I seriously cannot wait to jam pack them into one long ass paper to turn in and hopeully, get a decent grade on!!
Also, I know that I will be bitching about this topic choice later, wheather it be because it is to hard, im stressed or it's totally not interesting any more. lol
I had my 28 week check up at the ob today and did the gestational diabetes test and will probably fail. The thing said to eat, so I did and then my doc. says that usually makes you fail. Great, thanks for letting me know now. I failed the when I was preggers with danny and then passed with Zach and I really want to pass this time because the 3 hour test is not fun at all!
I am gaining a terrific amount of weight, at least 1 lb a week. scary...because I know I have to lose it later, but Im pretty much like. yeah. I dont care.
baby sounds great, moving CONSTANTLY and I cannot comment enough on how much this child kicks and flips. I really hope this is no inclination into his personality because I was really hoping for my 3rd laid back, super easy baby!
Other than that there is reallynothing going on. Danny is doing better at soccer, we're working on some.."key ideas" like..not wrestiling with the other boys in line and not cutting. his coccer skills, it's more like life skills we're adressing. I guess thats typical with a 4 yr. old.
Zach is cutting his last 3 teeth until he get's his 4 yr. molars and boy oh boy, he'll let you know. he spent all weekend attached to me and sleeping on me and now he has turned into Dr. Jerkell and Mr Hyde. He's still adorable though and I get a lot more snuggle time then Im normally allowed...so im digging it secretly.
Eric had placed an pplication for a job that I will probably get my hopes up for..because we have a reference who says it may happen..I really want it to, like alaways..but Im also becoming adjusted to rejection. So, I'll just silently wish.
All in well in the land of my life..
the wedding is now 4 weeks away....I really need to get some extra cash, but the boys will look lovely..and I cant wait for pics!
ta-ta

so be it.

You could say I am now a SAHM( stay at home mom). It has recently hit me..like JUST this moment that I no longer have work to attend to, other than the duties of the walls I reside in. And man, that feels good.
Being at home is something different. You become a better mother (I can say this because I have done the working thing and the sahm thing and personally..this is how I feel). You are either WAY more patient or completely unpatient because you never get out. You make amazing meals, which you hope your husband enjoys because you know the kids would prefer PB&J. Your house seems cleaner, laundry is caught up, dishes barely lie in the sink and the days ticks by at snail speed, but when it's over you realize you didn't get half the crap done that you intended to.
So I am adjusting to all that again. And also loving being back in school and enjoying the challenge of it. Possibly, this doesnt make me a candidate of a "sahm" but I feel like I deserve the title of both.
I am sure this semester is going to prove it's self very demanding. My chemistry class is slightly overwhelming and I have a feeling my really cool english teacher is a really hard grader. They are never as perfect as they seem. And unfortunately, I have all male teachers which totally doesnt help my situation as a pregnant student who is due BEFORE the end of the semester..or maybe it does? It might be better than the old, bitter woman who never found a man to marry and never had the gift of children.
i did speak to all my professors and they seem to think it will not be a problem and they would totally work with me. One even saying, "i've had worse cases" to which I replied, "I hope so, I don't consider myself a "case". Just like those people who think pregnancy is a disease or a condition..no, jackass..it's creation of life.
Aside from all that, letter writing went much better than anticipated. In fact, the letter I recieved was very honest and insightful. I don't think myhusband has ever said anything like that. I learned many things and although some were upseting, at least he finally admitted some of the things I accused him of. Marriage ( a good one) takes so much work. i can understand how people can just give up, but...somehow I cant. With all the work, comes all the joy. The down time equals 10x the good times and I wouldn't trade my marriage in for anything.
I also think being poor and having children way to early is a great start to a marriage. As funny as it seems,I think..."well, if we can make it through these years and still love eachother..what can we tackle together?"
aint that the truth?

in words

Today I wrote my husband a letter. Thats right, he slept in the room next to me and I sat at that damn dining room table, a million words apart and I wrote a letter as if he were an english paper assignment or even a love affair from 7th grade. I left it there, sitting next to my empty coffe cup and realized...if this doesn't help, what else is there to do?
I am frustrated constantly, tired and sick of the same damn thing over and over. I fill I am the only one in this family who truly wants to work on it and sometimes I feel like my kids and I are just a burden to the life he could have.
I yell, cry, scream, explain..nothing helps.
So, there I sit at the table at 8:00 in the morning, writing a damn letter.
and now, hours later..he writes me back. And really, I wasn't looking for a response..I just want to be heard.
I think what happens over time is you quit listening to eachother, I know I am guilty of this myself. I am more concerned with what I will say next or what my rebutle is..that I barely hear the words that leave his mouth. And that is a mistake many people make and I am no one special or perfect by any means.
I wonder constantly if I am just pregnant and hormonal or if my complains are valid. The hardest part is I feel I have no one that can relate to my situation and someone I trust enough to just tell me striaght up if ...I am wrong. It IS possible I am being irrational, demanding and ridiculous..and I fear I may be turning into one of those women I hate who burst into tears for no reason and nag thier husbands to death.
Yet, I cannot deny the dumb-ass feelings that pull my heart and sanity on strings as if I were a chaotic melody in a symphony gone wrong.
I have these beautiful children who breathe my own joy through thier lungs..and still that isn't enough.
Must I insist on a perfect marriage as well?
Am I wrong to need happiness and harmony? Or is it just the norm in today's society to live un-happy, next to eachother in bed, wondering what your life could have been like...if...if.
But, I don't want that.
I am insane. I swear I am.
And my dear husband suffers the consequences.

My Husbands Tears

I realize now that in all my 24 years of life, I have never TRULY felt for someone the way I felt for my dear Husband on Sunday when we recieved news that his Uncle had commited suicide the day prior.
Not only did I feel his grief, but it was I who was placed in the position to tell his sister, my dear friend Angie that her uncle had passed. And I tried so hard to protect her and get her home safely so she could hear it from her father's mouth. But, unfortunately I got the phone call at 9 in the morning, as I slept in the hotel ...because the night before was spent celebrating Angie's bachlorette party. And as I sit up in bed and it hits me that I now bear the burden of delivering the most devestating news to a young women who I love dearly, my heart breaks and I now understand how hard it is to watch others grieve.
My husband has lead a life free from grief, death and dying. He has been lucky to have only lost 1 person close to him before this tragedy. And that person was his grandfather, who had a long, slow death and much time to prepare. But, he hadn't yet dealt with a death which blindsides and cuts through you like a knife. This is the first time he holds "what if" questions. this is the first time he is in shock and then he's angry and then I catch him crying silently, when he thinks no one can see. And I even see how brave and strong he feels he must be for his sister and his mother. I watch his body gestures change and I swear he already knows this his existence is much more important now as the men on his maternal side of the family silently fall to thier death. I watch him kiss his 2 young boys with a much bigger heart, a heart that can deeply love now thanks to the sadness it has felt.
And how awful a feeling that resides in my soul. How much a part of me he is, how his afflictions become my own and hurt as if the man who passed has a history with me personally, and not just my husband. And for the first time, I can see my future in a new light, a different light. Not only do I see the joys of Motherhood, but the hardships. I'm looking ahead at my young boys and the life I carry in my own body and I think...how willI handle thier heartbreaks?? Will not each one tear me apart beyond repair? Am I sentenced to a life of other's suffering becoming my own? No one explained this to me about being a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend. I have learned a great deal in the past few days and my husband and I are even more a part of eachother, we have grown from despair.And now he understands why i kiss my children late at night, while no one is watching, with tears that slide down my cheek, thinking not only of my love for them, but of the sadness my heavy heart feels..because my father never kissed them goodnight.
The small baby in my belly becomes so much more than my third son. I now see why it has happened..and for the first time, his being will make sense to me, with his own special meaning to life..his middle name carrying a history I cannot explain until he is old, and a history he will not fully appreciate until he has his own children.
And through all this, Eric's Grandmother..her poor soul. So young and vibrant and strong. She reminded Eric on the phone that it was his time to go, he suffered and he needed peace. She tells my husband; who is holding back his tears with so much strength that they pour through me instead...she tells him "don't you dare lose your memories of him, memories that only you share, so many good ones..you hold on to them and kiss your boys with them."
and I think "yes, that is the best thing I have heard in days" Yet, my heart breaks for her..because burying your child must be the single most tragic thing a parent must do and I can only pray I outlive all my children and they go own without me happily remembering all the times we shared on this earth in the small, sacred time we are given.

plans for...nothing.

I am a matron of honor.
It sounds prestigious and I am sure many women imagine themselves as maid of honor/matron of honor and think....."what an honor" it would be.
It is NOT an honor. It is a whole bunch of work, stress and irritation. And after planning my own wedding without any help from anyone, helping someone else plan thiers is nerve-wracking and un-ending.
ON that note, this weekend is the fabulous bachlorette party. And let me say:
Planning a bachlorette party while pregnant is like planning a feast for a dieter. We can attend and watch, but really not partake in any real amount of fun, or anything that causes joy.
In fact, I am calling myself "the cooler" because I figure my job will end up being stomping out any drunk drama before it interferes with the bride and making sure everyone is being safe and responsible...somewhat.
Ok, so bascially I get the chance to play "mom"
Which I do for a living everyday of my life, and I am really not looking forward to doing it for adults..especially drunk ones who want to be pretend like they have no morals for the night and the next day feel guilty for everything they have done.
Not to mention..
I swear I was NEVER as self-absorbed as my dear Sister-in-law/bride to be.
She is insane...seriously, about to crack and not a single word leaves her lips unless it somehow relates to her wedding, her wishes, her big day.
She is turning into a bridezilla...quickly, very quickly.
Another thing to mention is how ridiculous it is that a pregnant women must spend a shit load on a limo AND a hotel, which neither serve any purpose to me considering I cannot drink andwould rather drive home and sleep in my own bed.
Actually, I would rather skip the whole damn thing, stay home and take care of my babies and work on growing the one in my belly.
Danny also has his first soccer game this sat. (now, THAT I am excited about!)
Zach is adorably awesome today, giving affection all night long and without any shyness..
I love my children and they have taught me to be patient and wholesome..and put up with all this dumb side stuff (like bach. parties and crazy brides)
My belly is getting big and my vericose veins even bigger..THAT I don't love.
I am going to go read some of my new book about some poor family of 12 in Ireland in the 1920's..
If that doesnt make me appreciate my life, nothing will.
Actually, I just enjoy that sappy shit...Im a loser, I know.