my mother

is so F'n irritating.
and to trutly grasp the seriousness of this topic, you would have to meet her. I have actually had people meet her for the first time, spend time with her and then afterwards say "yeah, your mom..wow...you were right."
She is insane. Like, literally not right in the head. She has always had these issues with depression and she's also a hypochondriac, so she always has some new disease or condition, but she is also a R.N. who considers herself a doctor, so she either self medicates with all these crazy herbal stuff and she also takes herself off her depression meds for great periods of time without consulting her doctor, because "she knows what she needs"
She is also extremely selfish, immature and self-righteous. She's highly opinionated and judgemental. She will read something new in some random book and immediately all other views are completely obsolete and she will consider you a true idiot for thinking anything else.
She judges people based on where they live, not like a state like the rest of us..how we joke about West Virginia, which..by the way..I have friends from there and have vistited for extended periods of time and I find the state absolutely lovely. No, she judges people on what city they live in..I HATE THIS! "oh, you know how those Green people are..so close minded." "I hate Akron, all these damn uneducated people" and so on..
it's like
hellooooo YOU live here, I live here and we don't have any other family SO maybe we shouldn't make fun of ourselves?
She is embarrisingly loud and obnoxious, in fact..I believe it's why she has no friends.
She is never wrong, always right. She takes all of her agressions out on the first person she talks to and since she has no other support system, that's usually me.
She has failed miserably in the romance department, married 3 times...children with 2 different men and now..every man she passes is a "complete loser, scum bag, pig"
She has filed bankruptcy not once, but twice. The first time was when I was in middle school and they came in and took everything...even my damn stereo system. I thought she learned, but no,...she did it again last year. She makes 25/hour...and only has to provide for her and my 10 yr. old sister..what the hell? And then she borrows money off of me.
She is abosolutely dependant on me and my husband. We cook for her, clean for her, pick up on the side of the road because her car breaks down (weekly), I hear her cry, scream, reak havoc..so that she feels better. My husband is the "man" so he has to fix anything that goes wrong in her house, car, life...
And I know this is horrible that I am laying it out there like this, about my own mother and speaking so poorly of her. And I also believe that people should do whatever it takes for family and we do, and thats why I have never told her any of this.
and honestly
it doesn't bother me so much that she was a horrible mother my whole life. It doesn't bother me (anymore) that she used me a pawn against my father throughout my childhood to hurt him and instill fear. It doesn't matter anymore that she allowed me to live in a physically abusive home for 8 years and then she moves me into a sexual abusive house for another 5....and always took the man's side, claiming they would get better, she would fix them..yet my father was "still the ass"
It doesn't bother me anymore that we moved 12 times in my childhood, that I spent school nights either calling the cops because I woke up to her getting her ass beat or in the battered womens shelter. And I don't care that my attendance in elementary school sucked because if I wasn't overcomign a night of abuse, I was attending biker parties or staying at some random persons' house, sleeping in a strange bed with children, not knowing when I was getting picked up.
These things and MANY others that my husband and I share at desperate times, or even the things that I will take to the grave with me..
I have overcome (without the help of a professional or drugs). I think they have made me stronger, more independant, an understanding person, an honest individual, an amazing wife and a kick ass mother.
Her offenses against me have been forgotten.
But, what really kills me, what keeps me awake at night, what makes me consider the phrase "I love you, but I don't like you" or even "I think we should go our own ways"
is that
She is an awful Grandmother.
When she even tries, she fails. My own loving, adoring children don't even like her and they live everyone.
I know they just pick up on her feelings because any room she enters, she enters with baggage..she always is upset about something, angry at someone and you can almost see the despair and agression boiling on her skin and I swear my children don't want anything to do qith it.
My husband and I do a pretty damn good job of creating a household full of love and hope, despite our problems. We have built walls up around our children in an effort to protect and conserve thier innocence, something that was not done for either of us.
And she tears down these walls again and again with her thoughtless actions and vain attempts at self-less acts that end in failure and dissapointment.
And I let her
again and again
and I hate that.
yet, I cannot stop. I cannot cut the cord that tied us together 25 years ago, no matter the disease that spreads rampant through her life, finding it's way into my own.
I am blinded by the idea of what she could be. I am a victim to unconditional love in it's purest form. I am guilty for still holding belief to her words.
I am the only one who can stop this pathetic charade.
"You cannot control others, only yourself"
She taught me that.