busy bee

I am insanely busy these days! Getting ready for Christmas with 3 children, one very young is proving to be very challenging!
This past weekend was a hit. 8 of my good friends went up for the horrendous browns game in the 10 degree weather, negative if you count the wind chill. We tailgated for a while and had a load of fun in the dawg pound. But, overall it was exhausting and I am still re-couping from my first 6 hours away from home with the addition of my first consumption of beer.
Since then it has been go-go-go in between last minute shopping and preparing for the craziness.
Danny is soo freaking excited, it's really all he talks about.
On top of all that, I go in today to have my birth control placed, Mirena. Im pretty excited about that because it means no more babies!! Well, for at least 5 years or earlier if I want. Go Safe SEX!
Another change is I had to give up nursing. I took the baby in because he was screaming and crying non-stop after a week of my not eating dairy. The doc. said he may be lactose intolerant. So, I tried a few days of pumping and storing while he tried soy based formula (which is the type I have always used when I switched because I have always had good experiences with it). What an amazing change. He is like a new baby, he sleeps!! And I feel like a human again because it was worse than normal newborn lack of sleep..there was NO sleep and I was running all day after the other 2! And I have never taken naps, it's not something I allow..I feel too guilty afterwards.
So, we're much happier now, although it sucks that I had to give up my special bond. On the other hand, Eric is way more involed and loves feeding him, which makes me happy.
Im off to the docs, grocery shopping and many other things..

Tidings of Comfort & Joy

I think I mentioned that I was rear-ended a few weeks ago, the day before Thanksgiving-a hellacious day. After deciding to do be a good-hearted person and not give this girl a citation, I was given false insurance information, a disconnected cell phone number and a name that doesn't hold a policy with that insurance company. I went and got an estimate on the damage last week, just to see and it came to $685; which is unbelievable because it's just 2 tiny dents that I wasn't planning on getting fixed, or even claiming but, when i found out it was worth that much, enough to catch us up on past bills, I decided not to fix the van and just take the money and run.
Well, it was a huge ordeal because I had to call the Sheriff who came out to the accident, explain what this idiot citizen attempted to do, have him go to her father's house (yes, she's one of those 27 year old with 2 kids that still lives with Daddy), wait for her dad to call me and have the gull to get snippy with me, saying his daughter called and I never called back. Wrong, bucko! Your daughter is a lying loser, who needs a smack in the face, kick her ass out and call children's services for those poor children, oh and tell her if she is planning on drinking and driving to NOT rear-end someone, thank her lucky stars I am a nice person and that the cop was a lazy dumbass for not smelling the alcohol on her breath and giving her a DUI and to be really glad not a single one of my children were in the car or I wouldn't have been so nice.
But, it was the night before thanksgiving and I was feeling charitable.
Last time for that!
I hate that I still have faith in humanity and it proves me to be a naive idiot every time. Are there any good people left in this world that Im not already friends with?
So, after I finally got the info. and relayed it to the insur. adjustor, I was told an "inspector" would have to come and make his own estimate of damage. So, everyone I talked to says that Inspector Gadget (which is what ive been calling him for a week) will argue my total and offer me half or even 3/4's and I will have to argue and settle for some shitty amount.
So, he came today and I armed myself for a fight, rallying everything that has irritated me lately into one ball of fury so I was prepared to get my broke ass some money. I figure I shouldnt feel guilty because I could have claimed a back-ache and sued and stuff....
So, Inspector gadget comes into the house and makes that ever-popular remark "wow, you have your hands full".
He was one of those sweet, nerdy, loser guys that desperately deserves a woman, but wont find one to settle down with him untill he's 35 because it takes us women that long to figure out THOSE are the types to marry.
I am barely able to give him the paperwork he needs since Zach is freaking out, Danny isn't answering my calls for help and the baby cannot, I repeat, cannot be put down or crying fits will insue and then I won't be able to hear Inspector Gadget.
He explains he will have to look at van and type up a report and yada yada. I stopped listening and get my guns ready.
He comes back in 10 minutes later, hands me a piece of paper and says
"your estimate looks good, I just copied it down to the exact dollar amount, we'll cut you a check as soon as the paper-work processes" he pauses, smiles and knowingly says "Merry Christmas"
and I think:
Inspector Gadget just did one of those, nice, true-hearted acts of kindness like i did for that dumb biotch and so many others in my past.
karma, total karma. i swear by it. I honestly believe good things happen to those who deserve and need it.
I also have learned in my years of being a mother that when times are really desperate and your running out of hope, something always comes unexpected, something random that makes it possible to come out on top.
This is definatly one of those things, that money will make a world of a difference in this house.
and things like this are the reason Eric and I havent robbed any banks yet, we have seriously considered it though..well, with water guns.

On a side note
We have been having issues with Zach keeping his shoes on for...about 6 months now, we buys shoes based upon the difficulty level of removing them.
Well,we introduced a big, honkin pair of snow boots a few weeks back and he refused to wear them, infact he would throw himself on the ground and kick his feet if you tried.
and then
last week he discovered them by himself, tried them on, walked around and decided he loved them.
But, now he is obessed. He wears them ALL DAY! He walks around the house in them, takes naps in them, the only time he doesnt wear them (and this is because I enforce it) is for a bath and bed time.
he wears ther everywhere we go, even though it hasn't snowed in weeks, he dances in them,tt trips in them..its hilarious.
but, the really funny part.
he also started taking his clothes off.
So,
now..
he doesn't wear anything but a diaper and his snow boots.
I really havent forced the clothes thing. we keep the house warm and if I could walk around naked, I would. So, Im rolling with it. I can't wait to get some pics...but I haven't had a chance yet.
baby is great,growing like a weed.
Danny is....
well, we're working on it.

meeting with the teacher

picture this:
7:30 pm Tuesday night at the Smith home.
Sarah and baby are hanging on the couch reading her new series of books, totally relaxed. Eric is watching the cavs kick some ass, totally happy. Danny is sitting next to us playing with his action figures, totally innocent. Zach is in his room watching Elmo movie, totally unaware.
The phone rings.
It's Danny's teacher. "Sarah, I wanted to meet with you after school tommorow to discuss how Danny has been behaving lately. thanks, Mrs. Busch"

Ok.
Eric-livid. Sarah-shocked. Danny-guilty. Zach and Andrew-still unaware:)
WHAT???

I was actually nervous too. Not like nervous for a big test or nervous for an interview. I wasn't anxious like waiting for a phone call. I wasn't upset like I would be if my Husband came home really late.
It was all of these feelings, but differently. I was nervous to hear someone else tell me my child isn't perfect, even though I already knew that..to some extent. I was anxious to get it over with and anxious to know if I could handle this first test as parent the right way, whatever that is. And I was upset because I saw it coming and didn't have time to fix it on my own, upset because I felt guilty knowing this was soley our faults as parents and just plain...dumbfounded.
It was my first lesson in parenting handed to me other than from our own parents or friends. And it was also the first time advice and opinions would be given without seeking them.

Basically.
Danny is having temper tantrums, which in turn means that he is seeking attention. And apparently the reason they have gotten so out of hand and why he does it so often is beccause he knows it works and is somehow getting his need of attention met through this ritual. So, it has to stop. Duh.
No more time-outs. Teach. says he's immune to them. Instead, use other words, but with the same actions behind it like, "think about it's, or decison making time or cool off time or alone time" etc.
Also, I need to be direct and tell him his screaming and fit throwing is not acceptable, getting down to his level. One sentence and then leave him alone, walk away and do not make contact until his attitude changes. And finally, the egg-timer. I am supposed to set the egg timer for 5-10 minutes when I take something away from him or when he is in his "think about it" time.

I thought I was doing allof this, well..some of it.
But, I went into it with an open mind. I Wasn't defensive or angry. In fact, I asked questions on "what about when this happens?" or "how do I handle.."
I didn't argue. The truth is everything they said was right. I felt guilty because I feel like I have let my oldest, my first born, my lovely danny boy who was my first reason for ever wanting to be a parent to other children, who is the reason I went back to school, the reason i quit doing drugs, the reason I settled down and got my shit together, my reason for a better future. I feel like...
I let him down.
And now that I think about it. He IS always last, especially lately. I mean...I was pregnant and really sick at the end..really sick. He was always being told to wait. ANd then the baby came. And now when it's just me and the kids during the day, there are times when I cant even get up from feeding the baby to get them what they need and they wait again. And since Zach got sick, the truth is...Danny was pushed to an even farhter back burner because he's the oldest and even though he is pretty self-serving, well..Sarah..he's still a kid.

So,
we've messed up. Face the facts. Your kid has turned into somewhat of an attention seeking nightmare.
No wonder no one volunteered to help transport him.
It sucks because all of his good traits and attributes are being overshawoded by this new behavior. He is do damn friendly too, with so much to offer. He's my little star, thats what we always call him.
But, he needs more and we need to commit to giving it to him.
Because he goes to kindergarten next year and after 2 years of preschool he should be ready, i mean..more than ready.
And
this is why I am a huge advocate for preschool, although it cost us..a lot and I sacrfice many things to keep him in it, it's definately worth it. These things need to be fixed now, before it's too late. And Im just glad I had someone pull me aside, because as parents..it's all good intentions gone bad.

I feel ok about this milestone in parenting.

Parenting is so damn hard. But, for me it hasn't ever been hard like "I don't want to" or difficult because it's tiring or stressful or overwhelming.
It's hard because
even though all you yearn for is to be the best parent you can be, it seems your always falling short somehow and it seems everyday holds a new obstacle to overcome and you find, your not near done learning all there is to learn and your not anythingc close to perfect and you cant fix it all or even really, control any of it.
and there you are.
Your in that place of acceptance where all you can do is...
all you can do.

so thats all I have.

doc visit

Andrew had his 4 week check up today.
He is growing allright..3 pds in 3 weeks, go mom! So, he's finally up to 8lbs 2 oz!! Yeah! Which finally puts him on the chart at 10th percentile for his age! Little stinker! He is also 20 inces now..so he is finally starting to fit into clothes and diapers, which is nice.
He was also termed "slightly colicky" and I agree! I was very, very lucky with my first 2 boys. I use to walk around thinking I was super-mom because my babies never cried and I always heard horror stories and I thought (yes, I'll admit it)...I thought, it was the mother's fault. lol I always thought it meant the mother was not relaxed and the baby was just picking up on the mother's anxiety. It's crappy and ignorant to think that, but I always had easy babies.
Well, this little guy changes everything.
He just cries for no reason, on and on..to the point of..ignorance. I have never heard a newborn squawk so much! He whimpers and whines and squirms around; he is constantly moving. He is the worst at night. Also, he spits up all the time, sometimes immediately after a feeding, before I even get a chance to burp him. And these gas pains...ohh lordy.

Eric thinks it's the best thing that has ever happened because it's working as a method of birth control. If all my babies were like this, i would have stopped at one. (yeah..right :)
But, he's freakin adorable. I've decided he looks nothing like me,simply my husband and he is totally aware of this and I think he loves it more than anything. Danny has always gotten the "he looks just like his mommy" and Zach still gets the "he looks just like Papa" so I know Eric is happy to get the "he looks just like Daddy"...finally! it only took 3!
Zach is on the mend and doing much better. And his middle of the night charades are turning into only once a night, and straight back to bed, barely needing a kiss to fall back to sleep.
Danny...
yeah, nearly 5 yr. old's are NOT easy! He has started this random throwing screaming fits. It's insane and irrational and totally maddening. His teacher is even fed-up, so we are working on a disicpline rountine together, making sure we do the same thing at preschool and home. And this would be making him immediately sit in a specific chair untill screaming fit ends and he able to control his emotions.
He is really excited for chirstmas though, being the only one old enough to vocalize wishes and wants and excitement, it's cute. It makes the whole 6 hour tree decorating deal worth it and hanging lights outside in the freezing rain.
Im preparing for x-mas pics, which Im doing at home this year to save money. Im spending the money I save on the photo greeting cards from walmart..10 personalized for 10 bucks, not bad!
I have 1 final exam next monday and the deadline to turn in all my term papers for english and then I am DONE!!!! >>>nearly tears of excitement.
Im so behind on shopping, only because there is no funds.
Gifts or bills??
Well, gifts.
thats all for now.

better

We're doing much better today. Things have either calmed down or I have just gotten used to them. Danny no longer has a crazy fever, it's controlled and he is actually up walking, talking and eating. And now Im wishing he was still feeling lethargic. Shh....

Zach seems slightly better, at least the screaming fits have subsided. He still greets me at least 3 times throughout the night, but I have accepted that as part of my current life now. I don't have the energry or ability to rectify the situation when there is a 3 week old nursing in my bed. So, pick your battles...Im defeated..for now! Just wait until this baby is sleeping through the night in his crib and Zach is going to have quite the adjustment period..I just have to figure out my attack plan!

Andrew is very...gas-y. Which is weird, because he's totally breastfed and my diet is very healthy, actually. He just whines, whimpers and farts constantly. I don't understand why.

Other than that, he's great. He's starting to fill out in all the right areas, getting those cute little winkles of fat and chubby cheeks.

Our fish is in thr last stages of death. This damn goldfish (whose name I don't even know...) will not die! He has been holding on for days now, I'm like "die already so i can clean the tank and get a new one"

Great-at this exact moment Danny just said "I don't want the fish to die, he's my best friend."

Keep in mind: Danny hasn't thought once about that damn fish since the day we bought it for him 2 1/2 years ago for his 2nd birthday and now all of a sudden he loves it.

My semester is winding down with finals in 2 weeks and only 2 more days of classes and only once class left that I actually have to show up for-THANK GOD! I don't even care anymore. I porbably should, because Iknow my acceptance into the program is dependant on grades, but the damage has been done. Having a baby in the complete middle of the semester doesn't make for straight A's. I only wish I could send a short, sweet note with my application like

Dear Reviewing people,

please understand that my grades reflect the fact that I was pregnant for my last and most crucial semester, delivered the baby 3 weeks early-directly in the middle of the semester. I also have 2 young boys. I was diagnosed with Giardia while pregnant and during the same week that I had to fulfill the duty of Matron of Honor for a horrendous bridezilla who I love dearly. And yeah...I REALLY WANT TO BE ACCEPETED...WAAAAHHHHH..... ( me whining loudly)

Thanks,

Insane mother of 3

I might just send it. Could it hurt?

Hey,they might be men..maybe I should throw in a :

PS-I hear I give good head.

lol

totally joking. totally.

I don't even do that anymore, those days are way over.

Woah. My page totally just went pg-13. Here's some G rated pics to make up for it!

He's definately handsome.

I love this one of him.

My little sick-ling, still making it look good!

The Sick House

It's Official...
This is the sick house.
Zach was diagnosed with Giardia. We found out on Thanksgiving Eve and I spent 12 hours of my day working on getting him his prescription since the doctor's office is full of complete idiots. They wrote the wrong Rx, sent it to the wrong place and then after 6 hours of waiting, they put me on hold for 45 min. ( no exaggeration) and finally told me there was a mistake and because of the medicine is so hard to mix, it has to be mixed at Children's hospital, but because they waited so long the Pharmacy is closed and now they are trying to geta hold of someone in the "in-patient" pharmacy. Well..2 hours later the in-patient pharm. called me and told me to come pick it up, they sent it to the wrong place IN the hospital, I finally tracked it down and was on my way home at 9:30 pm...when I was rear-ended by a decently nice drunk girl....lovely, right?
The Holiday was terrific considering the sickness factor.
And then yesterday happened.
Danny woke up fine, but by 1:00, said he didn't feel good and then somehow developed a temp. of 103.5.
I had to go to school, there was no way around it. I had to take 2 make up tests and make up 2 labs plus turn it all my english stuff...
My mother in law calls to tell me that Danny's temp is up over 103 WITH tylenol already in his system all day and he vommited and hasn't moved off the couch since I left.
Oh, I forgot. Zach also developed this horrible upper respitory thing and with him being so young, there is nothing I can give him but tylenol..so his nose is bleeding from wiping, he coughs and has this horrible drainage that just pours out. He has insane screaming fits that last well over an hour long..for no reason.
And then last night
The baby's stool was loose, like not normal breast-fed baby poo.
I mean C'MON!
So, today I have spent in between all children and on the phone with the nurses from the office..I have to take in a stool specimen so they can test Andrew for the big "G".
and we STILL dont know where it's coming from.
All in this one house we have an upper respitory infection, Giardia, The stomache flu, a 3 week old baby with diarreha and
an overwhelmed mother
who is running on auto-pilot.
I really can't take any more health issues.
I have always taken pride in my healthy children
And my kids don't even go to daycare or a baby sitter's house..what the hell??
Danny goes to Preschool but only for 2 1/2 hours a day, 3 days a week...

And with finals around the corner and Christmas quickly approaching and having barely started on shopping...
well..
Im considering
NOT having any more children,
I will probably take this back some day soon
But,
I think 3 is enough, I'm done. My heart cannot handle any more!
:)

my mother

is so F'n irritating.
and to trutly grasp the seriousness of this topic, you would have to meet her. I have actually had people meet her for the first time, spend time with her and then afterwards say "yeah, your mom..wow...you were right."
She is insane. Like, literally not right in the head. She has always had these issues with depression and she's also a hypochondriac, so she always has some new disease or condition, but she is also a R.N. who considers herself a doctor, so she either self medicates with all these crazy herbal stuff and she also takes herself off her depression meds for great periods of time without consulting her doctor, because "she knows what she needs"
She is also extremely selfish, immature and self-righteous. She's highly opinionated and judgemental. She will read something new in some random book and immediately all other views are completely obsolete and she will consider you a true idiot for thinking anything else.
She judges people based on where they live, not like a state like the rest of us..how we joke about West Virginia, which..by the way..I have friends from there and have vistited for extended periods of time and I find the state absolutely lovely. No, she judges people on what city they live in..I HATE THIS! "oh, you know how those Green people are..so close minded." "I hate Akron, all these damn uneducated people" and so on..
it's like
hellooooo YOU live here, I live here and we don't have any other family SO maybe we shouldn't make fun of ourselves?
She is embarrisingly loud and obnoxious, in fact..I believe it's why she has no friends.
She is never wrong, always right. She takes all of her agressions out on the first person she talks to and since she has no other support system, that's usually me.
She has failed miserably in the romance department, married 3 times...children with 2 different men and now..every man she passes is a "complete loser, scum bag, pig"
She has filed bankruptcy not once, but twice. The first time was when I was in middle school and they came in and took everything...even my damn stereo system. I thought she learned, but no,...she did it again last year. She makes 25/hour...and only has to provide for her and my 10 yr. old sister..what the hell? And then she borrows money off of me.
She is abosolutely dependant on me and my husband. We cook for her, clean for her, pick up on the side of the road because her car breaks down (weekly), I hear her cry, scream, reak havoc..so that she feels better. My husband is the "man" so he has to fix anything that goes wrong in her house, car, life...
And I know this is horrible that I am laying it out there like this, about my own mother and speaking so poorly of her. And I also believe that people should do whatever it takes for family and we do, and thats why I have never told her any of this.
and honestly
it doesn't bother me so much that she was a horrible mother my whole life. It doesn't bother me (anymore) that she used me a pawn against my father throughout my childhood to hurt him and instill fear. It doesn't matter anymore that she allowed me to live in a physically abusive home for 8 years and then she moves me into a sexual abusive house for another 5....and always took the man's side, claiming they would get better, she would fix them..yet my father was "still the ass"
It doesn't bother me anymore that we moved 12 times in my childhood, that I spent school nights either calling the cops because I woke up to her getting her ass beat or in the battered womens shelter. And I don't care that my attendance in elementary school sucked because if I wasn't overcomign a night of abuse, I was attending biker parties or staying at some random persons' house, sleeping in a strange bed with children, not knowing when I was getting picked up.
These things and MANY others that my husband and I share at desperate times, or even the things that I will take to the grave with me..
I have overcome (without the help of a professional or drugs). I think they have made me stronger, more independant, an understanding person, an honest individual, an amazing wife and a kick ass mother.
Her offenses against me have been forgotten.
But, what really kills me, what keeps me awake at night, what makes me consider the phrase "I love you, but I don't like you" or even "I think we should go our own ways"
is that
She is an awful Grandmother.
When she even tries, she fails. My own loving, adoring children don't even like her and they live everyone.
I know they just pick up on her feelings because any room she enters, she enters with baggage..she always is upset about something, angry at someone and you can almost see the despair and agression boiling on her skin and I swear my children don't want anything to do qith it.
My husband and I do a pretty damn good job of creating a household full of love and hope, despite our problems. We have built walls up around our children in an effort to protect and conserve thier innocence, something that was not done for either of us.
And she tears down these walls again and again with her thoughtless actions and vain attempts at self-less acts that end in failure and dissapointment.
And I let her
again and again
and I hate that.
yet, I cannot stop. I cannot cut the cord that tied us together 25 years ago, no matter the disease that spreads rampant through her life, finding it's way into my own.
I am blinded by the idea of what she could be. I am a victim to unconditional love in it's purest form. I am guilty for still holding belief to her words.
I am the only one who can stop this pathetic charade.
"You cannot control others, only yourself"
She taught me that.