confession

I must admit that
I look out houses for sale, knowing full well that I am in no place to even consider buying them.
I don't do it all the time, only once in a while. But, when I do...and when I find one that totally fits all off my essentials immenities, which rarely happens, I become almost obessed and think about this house constantly and see myself actually IN the house and outside of the house in my future, doing like normal..weird rountine things, gardening and watching my boys run around the house. They are usually about 3 years older, but I look just as young as I am now, minus 10 lbs and Eric actually has his hair cut and bear trimmed.
Is that weird?
Eric thinks I am insane, because he will come home from work and I will tell him all about this "house I found" and I rattle off the price, location, unique details as if tommorow we would pick up the phone and call to schedule a viewing (which I've considered, but I must draw the line somewhere.)
The way I see it is..
It is very important to know EXACTLY what you want out of a house and be informed about costs and property values. Also, with the economy the way it is, it is truly possible that this house or any other that I fall in love with could still be sitting lonely and un-occupied in 2-3 years when we are actually ready to buy. It has happened before. But, most importantly..why the hell am I busting my ass by getting a higher education if I am not allowed to dream of my future and plan it the way I want it?
Since Eric and I have been together, we have always been broke. And I mean...broke, below poverty level, disgustingly lacking. I have always been happy with my children, health, love and all that crap. Eric and I (and my kids, but not as much) have gone without...many things.
These are just a few examples.
I havent bought shaving cream in 2 years! Yep, 2 years. Dont worry, I shave. But, I will not allow myself tospend 3 bucks on something I dont need, although its nice and I would really love some.
I havent bought new underwear,not a single pair since...well, xmas 06 Eric bought me some.
I have one pair of pants that fit. ONE! and i refuse to buy anymore.
I have not shopped anywhere, but goodwill for myself since before Zach was born...he's almost 2.
I asked for a shower liner and a bathmat for xmas from Eric's parents...
We only own like..5 forks and 4 spoons, 4 glasses and 3 chipped, mismatched bowls and an assortment of randomp plates because we cant afford a new set. Actually, this might be a good thing because it forces me to do the dishes..a lot.

So..consdiering all that and much more I cant think of right now...
Is it so wrong to look to the future and daydream about a house that I may never step into, when at least I can relish in the hope that I still hold in my goals and dreams?
Eric is such a scrooge..why can't he just go there with me and pretend, just talk about it like it might happen.
I fear he will lose hope before me, especially as of late, with the economy spiriling down and his job balancing on the line of a possible layoff. Sometimes I see it in his eyes, he's quiet staring off into space, wondering how the hell he will support his family of 5...his 3 young boys when he loses his job. I hate those silent moments the most, when I know he is lost somewhere in thoughts full of despair, while I invision myself dancing with my kids in my brand new kitchen with it's oak cabinets and ceramic tiled floords.
So, that is how I cope.
I don't think it's crazy at all, I think it's smart and everyone should do it.
I refuse to wallow in the "what if's" and the "how's?" I will just dance in circles in my head in whatever mansion I choose for the day, with my children laughing and smiling and not a single thought in my head except "man, the ride here was rough..but, damn this is sweet."

Now that school is over and the holidays are long gone, I have really been getting into things...some good, some bad.
The first thing is reading. I have just recently(in the past 2 years) discovered that I actually like reading. As of late, I am addicted. I cannot keep my hands off a book. I truly understand the meaning of "feeling lost without a book", but for me it is like "having no life without a book". I get totally into them and just pretty much pretend that I am like a part of the story, damn I'm such a loser. To make it worse, Im on a sci. fi. kick! Yep, total loser! So, Im in between a few series...but here are a few I highly recommend in this order: Twilight (duh), Harry Potter...I know, it sounds weak...but OMG, The Inheritance Series, The Shannara series, The Dune series, Lord of the Rings, Anne Rice's vampire works.
Those are just the sci. fi. ones I recommend. If you want a real thriller, like cannot sleep...read The heart shaped box by Joe Hill.
Want to cry? Anything by Frank McCourt, although I may be partial to be him because he embraces the Irish heritage and...well, thats me. Also, My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, or...ohh..probably by favorite tear jerker thus far, if your a sap for a tragic story...The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.
By the way, I hate mysterys. I tried, a few times now. no way!
So, there are just a few. I have just started into the wonderful world of books.
OH,
kids books..I have a new favorite author and artist team. ANYTHING by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell. My favorite: Is there really a human face? and Big Words for little people. I am super excited because they have a book called It's hard to be five and I cannot wait to buy it for Danny.
Another thing I am into now is...TV. I know, I am usually anti-tv. But, lately I am getting into all these horrible, lame reality shows. I am stoked about American Idol's return, Im watching the Bachelor, Double shot at love, the biggest loser, Real world, the hills and the city...and more.Plus, my normal shows with Eric....it's insane. Thank god for DVR.
Also, I started organizing. I started in the bathroom..because I have a bad habit of just throwing shit under my double sink cabinet..and its been going on for years. Well, I got rid of 2 trash bag fulls of crap I don't use. I have nothing now and I love it! it's all pretty and organized and you can find what you need. Next is my kitchen cupboards and then my closet and then the basement.
Soup Sundays!!! Yes...this is the best thing of 2009 thus far. I got a 16 qt. Soup Pot for Christmas from Eric's parents. This thing is a beast, it is the mother load of all soup pots, small pots run and hide when they see this thing. Eric and I decided that we will make ever sunday, "Soup Sunday". So, we start on saturday and make a new soup and let it cook all day saturday and then sit in the fridge overnight and then start it cooking again early in the morning, tasting it every so often and adding more of whatever it needs and then eat it all day long on Sunday and usually there's enough for monday too. I'll just whip up some Grilled cheese to go with it on monday or a big tossed salad. Yum,I love comfort foods, but soup is by far my favorite..any kind,any way.
My neighbor( a 50 yr. old mother of 3 and...one of the nicest, most humble people I know) and I are starting up a daily walk, well..actually, she has always done it, I am just tagging along! Honestly, I am not doing it for excercise either, although thats an added bonus..I just want an hour everyday to myself to get out of the house and enjoy adult company and she is truly one of those people that makes you want to be a better person.
Actually, I believe her and her husband have secretly taken my family as thier charity case. She is giving me her 2 year old, gorgeous and comfy couch, plus on Christmas she showed up on my doorstep with a huge box full of stanless steel cookware, Wolfgang Puck brand (whoever that is), but I guess it's a big deal.
She is coming over to help me clean my carpets with her carpet cleaner and her husband, who is an electrician is going to help Eric re-wire our entire house becuase it's old and...way outdated.
They just volunteered all of this. They are great, we are so thankful to have people in our lives like them.
And the last thing I am totally into these days.
my husband! I know, weird. But, we are just right on track these days. He was home for almost 2 weeks during the holidays and it was awesome. I realized how much I miss having him here all the time and what a great dad he is and..I just love the kid.
ok
thats about all...my free 15 minutes is up. Babies are calling.

the holidaze

In between Christmas and New Years is a crazy place to be.
My house has not nearly recovered from xmas. The boys room is a disaster. Eric's family goes insane about them,I swear they each got about 30 presents (90% toys) which I believe is too much and I have the smallest house in the world, so it poses more problems than positives.
I took my tree down already. It was too hard with Zach constantly getting into it and throwing tree ornanaments all over the house, plus it took up my whole living room since I insisit on real trees. Mentally, I am still exhausted from the whole weekend. It was non stop on since x-mas eve. We had Dinner at my sis-in laws with all our family and hers and did a small exhance over there, came home and did our exchange with my mom and sis and then stayed up all night putting crap under the tree and we got a late start since Danny wouldnt go to sleep until nearly 11. We woke up and did our thing xmas morning and then immediately went to Eric's parents and spent all day there, because it took that long to open all the gifts. And then we packed up the whole fam and went to Eric's grandparents...which always ends up being my favorite part of the day even though I dread going over.
His grandma owns like 30 acres in the middle of nowhere and has this cabin type house out in the woods that has a trail leading back to it. They plastic the whole thing in and light the 2 wood burning stoves, put up a tree, a whole bunch of tables, fill the whole room with people and a crazy amount of delicious food and we feast and hang out. There are kids everywhere, a huge bonfire in the back, where everyone smokes cigars and drinks beer or egg nog drinks and everyone just hangs out. It ends up being the great end to a perfect day.
I hate tearing the kids away from thier toys but, Eric did it his whole life and I don't think he ever flet slighted.
It was late by the time we got home, nearly 10 and I just about passed out and havent been able to catch up on sleep since.
People have been in and out all weekend and into this week with ramdom gifts for the kids. Friends of ours who recently moved to W.V. stopped by Saturday night and it ended up being a huge reunion when some other friends swung by and we ended up playing UNO the whole night..lol..Danny was in heaven AND he practiced his colors and numbers!
My sis in law is hosting a big new years party tonight. I opted out. I refuse to ask for a babysitter and don't believe it's the right thing to do even if I HAD someone to babysit, considering Andrew's age and inability to sleep for 3 hours straight. So, Eric is going and I'm not and Im ok with it.
I'm looking forward to wrapping up the year at home with my kids, my new book and a pot of herbal tea. This is whast important to me right now and although Im missing hanging out and celebrating..there will be a new year EVERY year and I can catch up later.
Plus. I cant handle no sleep like I use to. Having 3 kids makes it impossible to survive late nights.
Eric and I and the kids drove out to youngstown yesterday to drop off my application for the hygiene program.
It is done.
There is no more I can do, but hope what I did was good enough and wait to find out if I was accepted.
I finished with a 3.4, which pissed me off because I had a 4.0 just last spring semester! Having children in college..I should say..delivery a child while attending college proves to have a negative effect on GPA's...who would have guessed?
Oh well. It is what it is.
And I would like to say, like I always do..that this year was by far the best ever.
Another year of welcoming life, the addition to my already beautiful, happy family. The completion of my pre-req's and moving forward to the next goal of my life, my children's health, my friends support and many other things.
2008 will be hard to top, but somehow I know 2009 will be better.
Happy New Years to all.

busy bee

I am insanely busy these days! Getting ready for Christmas with 3 children, one very young is proving to be very challenging!
This past weekend was a hit. 8 of my good friends went up for the horrendous browns game in the 10 degree weather, negative if you count the wind chill. We tailgated for a while and had a load of fun in the dawg pound. But, overall it was exhausting and I am still re-couping from my first 6 hours away from home with the addition of my first consumption of beer.
Since then it has been go-go-go in between last minute shopping and preparing for the craziness.
Danny is soo freaking excited, it's really all he talks about.
On top of all that, I go in today to have my birth control placed, Mirena. Im pretty excited about that because it means no more babies!! Well, for at least 5 years or earlier if I want. Go Safe SEX!
Another change is I had to give up nursing. I took the baby in because he was screaming and crying non-stop after a week of my not eating dairy. The doc. said he may be lactose intolerant. So, I tried a few days of pumping and storing while he tried soy based formula (which is the type I have always used when I switched because I have always had good experiences with it). What an amazing change. He is like a new baby, he sleeps!! And I feel like a human again because it was worse than normal newborn lack of sleep..there was NO sleep and I was running all day after the other 2! And I have never taken naps, it's not something I allow..I feel too guilty afterwards.
So, we're much happier now, although it sucks that I had to give up my special bond. On the other hand, Eric is way more involed and loves feeding him, which makes me happy.
Im off to the docs, grocery shopping and many other things..

Tidings of Comfort & Joy

I think I mentioned that I was rear-ended a few weeks ago, the day before Thanksgiving-a hellacious day. After deciding to do be a good-hearted person and not give this girl a citation, I was given false insurance information, a disconnected cell phone number and a name that doesn't hold a policy with that insurance company. I went and got an estimate on the damage last week, just to see and it came to $685; which is unbelievable because it's just 2 tiny dents that I wasn't planning on getting fixed, or even claiming but, when i found out it was worth that much, enough to catch us up on past bills, I decided not to fix the van and just take the money and run.
Well, it was a huge ordeal because I had to call the Sheriff who came out to the accident, explain what this idiot citizen attempted to do, have him go to her father's house (yes, she's one of those 27 year old with 2 kids that still lives with Daddy), wait for her dad to call me and have the gull to get snippy with me, saying his daughter called and I never called back. Wrong, bucko! Your daughter is a lying loser, who needs a smack in the face, kick her ass out and call children's services for those poor children, oh and tell her if she is planning on drinking and driving to NOT rear-end someone, thank her lucky stars I am a nice person and that the cop was a lazy dumbass for not smelling the alcohol on her breath and giving her a DUI and to be really glad not a single one of my children were in the car or I wouldn't have been so nice.
But, it was the night before thanksgiving and I was feeling charitable.
Last time for that!
I hate that I still have faith in humanity and it proves me to be a naive idiot every time. Are there any good people left in this world that Im not already friends with?
So, after I finally got the info. and relayed it to the insur. adjustor, I was told an "inspector" would have to come and make his own estimate of damage. So, everyone I talked to says that Inspector Gadget (which is what ive been calling him for a week) will argue my total and offer me half or even 3/4's and I will have to argue and settle for some shitty amount.
So, he came today and I armed myself for a fight, rallying everything that has irritated me lately into one ball of fury so I was prepared to get my broke ass some money. I figure I shouldnt feel guilty because I could have claimed a back-ache and sued and stuff....
So, Inspector gadget comes into the house and makes that ever-popular remark "wow, you have your hands full".
He was one of those sweet, nerdy, loser guys that desperately deserves a woman, but wont find one to settle down with him untill he's 35 because it takes us women that long to figure out THOSE are the types to marry.
I am barely able to give him the paperwork he needs since Zach is freaking out, Danny isn't answering my calls for help and the baby cannot, I repeat, cannot be put down or crying fits will insue and then I won't be able to hear Inspector Gadget.
He explains he will have to look at van and type up a report and yada yada. I stopped listening and get my guns ready.
He comes back in 10 minutes later, hands me a piece of paper and says
"your estimate looks good, I just copied it down to the exact dollar amount, we'll cut you a check as soon as the paper-work processes" he pauses, smiles and knowingly says "Merry Christmas"
and I think:
Inspector Gadget just did one of those, nice, true-hearted acts of kindness like i did for that dumb biotch and so many others in my past.
karma, total karma. i swear by it. I honestly believe good things happen to those who deserve and need it.
I also have learned in my years of being a mother that when times are really desperate and your running out of hope, something always comes unexpected, something random that makes it possible to come out on top.
This is definatly one of those things, that money will make a world of a difference in this house.
and things like this are the reason Eric and I havent robbed any banks yet, we have seriously considered it though..well, with water guns.

On a side note
We have been having issues with Zach keeping his shoes on for...about 6 months now, we buys shoes based upon the difficulty level of removing them.
Well,we introduced a big, honkin pair of snow boots a few weeks back and he refused to wear them, infact he would throw himself on the ground and kick his feet if you tried.
and then
last week he discovered them by himself, tried them on, walked around and decided he loved them.
But, now he is obessed. He wears them ALL DAY! He walks around the house in them, takes naps in them, the only time he doesnt wear them (and this is because I enforce it) is for a bath and bed time.
he wears ther everywhere we go, even though it hasn't snowed in weeks, he dances in them,tt trips in them..its hilarious.
but, the really funny part.
he also started taking his clothes off.
So,
now..
he doesn't wear anything but a diaper and his snow boots.
I really havent forced the clothes thing. we keep the house warm and if I could walk around naked, I would. So, Im rolling with it. I can't wait to get some pics...but I haven't had a chance yet.
baby is great,growing like a weed.
Danny is....
well, we're working on it.

meeting with the teacher

picture this:
7:30 pm Tuesday night at the Smith home.
Sarah and baby are hanging on the couch reading her new series of books, totally relaxed. Eric is watching the cavs kick some ass, totally happy. Danny is sitting next to us playing with his action figures, totally innocent. Zach is in his room watching Elmo movie, totally unaware.
The phone rings.
It's Danny's teacher. "Sarah, I wanted to meet with you after school tommorow to discuss how Danny has been behaving lately. thanks, Mrs. Busch"

Ok.
Eric-livid. Sarah-shocked. Danny-guilty. Zach and Andrew-still unaware:)
WHAT???

I was actually nervous too. Not like nervous for a big test or nervous for an interview. I wasn't anxious like waiting for a phone call. I wasn't upset like I would be if my Husband came home really late.
It was all of these feelings, but differently. I was nervous to hear someone else tell me my child isn't perfect, even though I already knew that..to some extent. I was anxious to get it over with and anxious to know if I could handle this first test as parent the right way, whatever that is. And I was upset because I saw it coming and didn't have time to fix it on my own, upset because I felt guilty knowing this was soley our faults as parents and just plain...dumbfounded.
It was my first lesson in parenting handed to me other than from our own parents or friends. And it was also the first time advice and opinions would be given without seeking them.

Basically.
Danny is having temper tantrums, which in turn means that he is seeking attention. And apparently the reason they have gotten so out of hand and why he does it so often is beccause he knows it works and is somehow getting his need of attention met through this ritual. So, it has to stop. Duh.
No more time-outs. Teach. says he's immune to them. Instead, use other words, but with the same actions behind it like, "think about it's, or decison making time or cool off time or alone time" etc.
Also, I need to be direct and tell him his screaming and fit throwing is not acceptable, getting down to his level. One sentence and then leave him alone, walk away and do not make contact until his attitude changes. And finally, the egg-timer. I am supposed to set the egg timer for 5-10 minutes when I take something away from him or when he is in his "think about it" time.

I thought I was doing allof this, well..some of it.
But, I went into it with an open mind. I Wasn't defensive or angry. In fact, I asked questions on "what about when this happens?" or "how do I handle.."
I didn't argue. The truth is everything they said was right. I felt guilty because I feel like I have let my oldest, my first born, my lovely danny boy who was my first reason for ever wanting to be a parent to other children, who is the reason I went back to school, the reason i quit doing drugs, the reason I settled down and got my shit together, my reason for a better future. I feel like...
I let him down.
And now that I think about it. He IS always last, especially lately. I mean...I was pregnant and really sick at the end..really sick. He was always being told to wait. ANd then the baby came. And now when it's just me and the kids during the day, there are times when I cant even get up from feeding the baby to get them what they need and they wait again. And since Zach got sick, the truth is...Danny was pushed to an even farhter back burner because he's the oldest and even though he is pretty self-serving, well..Sarah..he's still a kid.

So,
we've messed up. Face the facts. Your kid has turned into somewhat of an attention seeking nightmare.
No wonder no one volunteered to help transport him.
It sucks because all of his good traits and attributes are being overshawoded by this new behavior. He is do damn friendly too, with so much to offer. He's my little star, thats what we always call him.
But, he needs more and we need to commit to giving it to him.
Because he goes to kindergarten next year and after 2 years of preschool he should be ready, i mean..more than ready.
And
this is why I am a huge advocate for preschool, although it cost us..a lot and I sacrfice many things to keep him in it, it's definately worth it. These things need to be fixed now, before it's too late. And Im just glad I had someone pull me aside, because as parents..it's all good intentions gone bad.

I feel ok about this milestone in parenting.

Parenting is so damn hard. But, for me it hasn't ever been hard like "I don't want to" or difficult because it's tiring or stressful or overwhelming.
It's hard because
even though all you yearn for is to be the best parent you can be, it seems your always falling short somehow and it seems everyday holds a new obstacle to overcome and you find, your not near done learning all there is to learn and your not anythingc close to perfect and you cant fix it all or even really, control any of it.
and there you are.
Your in that place of acceptance where all you can do is...
all you can do.

so thats all I have.

doc visit

Andrew had his 4 week check up today.
He is growing allright..3 pds in 3 weeks, go mom! So, he's finally up to 8lbs 2 oz!! Yeah! Which finally puts him on the chart at 10th percentile for his age! Little stinker! He is also 20 inces now..so he is finally starting to fit into clothes and diapers, which is nice.
He was also termed "slightly colicky" and I agree! I was very, very lucky with my first 2 boys. I use to walk around thinking I was super-mom because my babies never cried and I always heard horror stories and I thought (yes, I'll admit it)...I thought, it was the mother's fault. lol I always thought it meant the mother was not relaxed and the baby was just picking up on the mother's anxiety. It's crappy and ignorant to think that, but I always had easy babies.
Well, this little guy changes everything.
He just cries for no reason, on and on..to the point of..ignorance. I have never heard a newborn squawk so much! He whimpers and whines and squirms around; he is constantly moving. He is the worst at night. Also, he spits up all the time, sometimes immediately after a feeding, before I even get a chance to burp him. And these gas pains...ohh lordy.

Eric thinks it's the best thing that has ever happened because it's working as a method of birth control. If all my babies were like this, i would have stopped at one. (yeah..right :)
But, he's freakin adorable. I've decided he looks nothing like me,simply my husband and he is totally aware of this and I think he loves it more than anything. Danny has always gotten the "he looks just like his mommy" and Zach still gets the "he looks just like Papa" so I know Eric is happy to get the "he looks just like Daddy"...finally! it only took 3!
Zach is on the mend and doing much better. And his middle of the night charades are turning into only once a night, and straight back to bed, barely needing a kiss to fall back to sleep.
Danny...
yeah, nearly 5 yr. old's are NOT easy! He has started this random throwing screaming fits. It's insane and irrational and totally maddening. His teacher is even fed-up, so we are working on a disicpline rountine together, making sure we do the same thing at preschool and home. And this would be making him immediately sit in a specific chair untill screaming fit ends and he able to control his emotions.
He is really excited for chirstmas though, being the only one old enough to vocalize wishes and wants and excitement, it's cute. It makes the whole 6 hour tree decorating deal worth it and hanging lights outside in the freezing rain.
Im preparing for x-mas pics, which Im doing at home this year to save money. Im spending the money I save on the photo greeting cards from walmart..10 personalized for 10 bucks, not bad!
I have 1 final exam next monday and the deadline to turn in all my term papers for english and then I am DONE!!!! >>>nearly tears of excitement.
Im so behind on shopping, only because there is no funds.
Gifts or bills??
Well, gifts.
thats all for now.