Tuesday, November 25, 2008

my mother

is so F'n irritating.
and to trutly grasp the seriousness of this topic, you would have to meet her. I have actually had people meet her for the first time, spend time with her and then afterwards say "yeah, your were right."
She is insane. Like, literally not right in the head. She has always had these issues with depression and she's also a hypochondriac, so she always has some new disease or condition, but she is also a R.N. who considers herself a doctor, so she either self medicates with all these crazy herbal stuff and she also takes herself off her depression meds for great periods of time without consulting her doctor, because "she knows what she needs"
She is also extremely selfish, immature and self-righteous. She's highly opinionated and judgemental. She will read something new in some random book and immediately all other views are completely obsolete and she will consider you a true idiot for thinking anything else.
She judges people based on where they live, not like a state like the rest of we joke about West Virginia, the way..I have friends from there and have vistited for extended periods of time and I find the state absolutely lovely. No, she judges people on what city they live in..I HATE THIS! "oh, you know how those Green people close minded." "I hate Akron, all these damn uneducated people" and so on..
it's like
hellooooo YOU live here, I live here and we don't have any other family SO maybe we shouldn't make fun of ourselves?
She is embarrisingly loud and obnoxious, in fact..I believe it's why she has no friends.
She is never wrong, always right. She takes all of her agressions out on the first person she talks to and since she has no other support system, that's usually me.
She has failed miserably in the romance department, married 3 times...children with 2 different men and now..every man she passes is a "complete loser, scum bag, pig"
She has filed bankruptcy not once, but twice. The first time was when I was in middle school and they came in and took everything...even my damn stereo system. I thought she learned, but no,...she did it again last year. She makes 25/hour...and only has to provide for her and my 10 yr. old sister..what the hell? And then she borrows money off of me.
She is abosolutely dependant on me and my husband. We cook for her, clean for her, pick up on the side of the road because her car breaks down (weekly), I hear her cry, scream, reak that she feels better. My husband is the "man" so he has to fix anything that goes wrong in her house, car, life...
And I know this is horrible that I am laying it out there like this, about my own mother and speaking so poorly of her. And I also believe that people should do whatever it takes for family and we do, and thats why I have never told her any of this.
and honestly
it doesn't bother me so much that she was a horrible mother my whole life. It doesn't bother me (anymore) that she used me a pawn against my father throughout my childhood to hurt him and instill fear. It doesn't matter anymore that she allowed me to live in a physically abusive home for 8 years and then she moves me into a sexual abusive house for another 5....and always took the man's side, claiming they would get better, she would fix them..yet my father was "still the ass"
It doesn't bother me anymore that we moved 12 times in my childhood, that I spent school nights either calling the cops because I woke up to her getting her ass beat or in the battered womens shelter. And I don't care that my attendance in elementary school sucked because if I wasn't overcomign a night of abuse, I was attending biker parties or staying at some random persons' house, sleeping in a strange bed with children, not knowing when I was getting picked up.
These things and MANY others that my husband and I share at desperate times, or even the things that I will take to the grave with me..
I have overcome (without the help of a professional or drugs). I think they have made me stronger, more independant, an understanding person, an honest individual, an amazing wife and a kick ass mother.
Her offenses against me have been forgotten.
But, what really kills me, what keeps me awake at night, what makes me consider the phrase "I love you, but I don't like you" or even "I think we should go our own ways"
is that
She is an awful Grandmother.
When she even tries, she fails. My own loving, adoring children don't even like her and they live everyone.
I know they just pick up on her feelings because any room she enters, she enters with baggage..she always is upset about something, angry at someone and you can almost see the despair and agression boiling on her skin and I swear my children don't want anything to do qith it.
My husband and I do a pretty damn good job of creating a household full of love and hope, despite our problems. We have built walls up around our children in an effort to protect and conserve thier innocence, something that was not done for either of us.
And she tears down these walls again and again with her thoughtless actions and vain attempts at self-less acts that end in failure and dissapointment.
And I let her
again and again
and I hate that.
yet, I cannot stop. I cannot cut the cord that tied us together 25 years ago, no matter the disease that spreads rampant through her life, finding it's way into my own.
I am blinded by the idea of what she could be. I am a victim to unconditional love in it's purest form. I am guilty for still holding belief to her words.
I am the only one who can stop this pathetic charade.
"You cannot control others, only yourself"
She taught me that.

Monday, November 24, 2008

I must confess

I just ate not one, but two m&m choc.chip cookies at 9 in the morning and soley because it sounded good, not because I was hungry or anything.
riiight, that's the kind of thing that keeps baby weight on. damn.
Today looks be stressful.
Zach has come down with an incredible case of diarehha and normally I would chalk it up to the stomache bug, as it is that time of year but, because of my recent diagnosis of Giardia..Im freaking out. It started friday and went away and then came back fully on saturday. I called the doctors, because I thought they had Sat. appointements, they don't. So, I've been waiting till right now. If somehow it IS's really scary because It means that somehow we were both infected and possibly, it is our water anyone in may family could have it (including my in-laws..parents, sister and brother).Not only that but IF the baby were to get it, he would not be able to fight it off...
I go in at 1:40, which is just enough time to round everyone up, come home and get ready to go back to class for the first time in over 2 weeks. gag!
I HATE leaving baby, hate it! I have Never left one of my boys this early for this long (6 hours). I know he will be fine, my mother in law is possibly a better caregiver than me and I stopped doubting my husbands abilities years just hurts in that deep maternal, guilt ridden,sleep deprived..way. I've been working overtime on the pumping thing so that there is enough milk to go round, which is a first for me because I have never had to leave before..and it wears you out, producing more than needed. Im probably just exhausted in general.
I'm not looking forward to returning to school because I am behind miserably. My Chem class, or should I say THE chem class..since it really is the reason for all this madness..going to school being pregnant and crap...
I have missed 2 quiz's, one test, 2 labs, onelab quiz and when I return today we're scheduled for another test.
bah humbug.

have I ever mentioned my obsession with chirstmas music?
Eric is about to commit music suicide because a week ago I started playing non-stop x-mas music in the house and he thinks it's insane.
I think it's jolly.
Im a nerd.
and Im ok with it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

THIS mother...



There is no other way to put it.

Everyone wants to know what it's like to go from 2 children to 3?! Let me tell you:

It's easy in the sense that you already know how to juggle more than one schedule at a time and you have already accepted the fact that as a mother, your needs are met dead-last, if at all and you also have 2 children that have learned some things you must "wait" for.

Yet, on the other hand..

it's really hard.

There is NO keeping up. While it may seem like you couldn't keep up with laundry before..forget it. Those piles are not moving for days. The dishes? My sink hasn't been empty since I've been home from the hospital and we are utilizing the "straight from drying rack to dinner table" method, which doesn't prove any more effective because now my counter space is cut in half so during the precious moments when I am holding newborn baby and filling up sippy cup for the toddler and making a PB&J sandwich for the eldest....and dishes start falling off the top of the mountain and we're all donig a dance to try and not get blasted by the "clean" dishes..which end up on the floor before the dinner table.

Showering is near impossible. Yes, baby is in the bathroom with and sound sleeping in the car seat or bouncer seat and thank god..because the horrific screams that carry thier sound to the shower as Im trying to get my 2 1/2 minutes of alone time are never -ending and result in at least: 1 broken toy, 1 child crying, 1 huge mess to clean up and 3 children to soothe...and I still haven't managed to find an outfit I sucessfully fit in, so I wander througout the house in the same 2 outfits as I painfully accept the fact that yes...three pregnancy's is harder on the body then I originally allowed myself to believe.

Bedtime has become the breakdown for the whole family. Zach is the creator of havoc...with a record breaking 27 attempts(yes, we counted) at going to sleep and that was followed by another glorious 9 visits from him in the middle of the night, which either happen directly after feeding little Andrew and settling back in for my promised 3 hours of sleep intervals or it happens WHILE nursing the baby, which gets Dad involved..which is scary all by it's self, not to mention Zach is screaming relentlessly and irrationally with all limbs and appendages struggiling to give black eyes and broken ribs as either me or dad coax him back into bed, using the ever popular "repetition" method..which is basically an attempt to not lose your mind while you do the exact same thing over and over, silently praying that THIS time will be the time it clicks in thier head...but, ohhhh...the screaming. And the screaming is what affects Danny..who whines from the upper bunk at 3am; "please, please Mom..let him sleep with you." Those dumb-ass parenting books who claim that repetition and routine are the key to any sucessful night of sleep don't account for the older brother who is being tortured by the screaming fits...

but not the little guy

oh no

he sleeps and sleeps and cuddle and nuzzles and makes those damn adorable little grunting noises, so you can't help it..

you forget all the other crap


you love your children

all damn 3 of them

and THAT is when you know you are truly insane.

Aside from the events in the house..outings are quite interesting.

First let me explain that I posted a lovely little note at Danny's preschool 3 weeks ago asking for a volunteer to help transport him to and from school for a few weeks (so I wouldn't have to bring baby out in the cold). His preschool which is tues, wed and thurs from 9-11:30 is 2 miles from my house. Also, dropping him off and picking him up means getting out of the car, entering the church, walking down the croweded, narrow stairs and then down the hall, turning left and waiting by the door and then getting Danny's coat and hat on, getting his bookbag and doing the same thing in reverse.

This whole routine was hard enough with 2 3..seems..very intimidating.

Guess how many of these so-called "christain"/future PTO/Green's finest/perfect little BMW SUV driving/anti-thrift store shopping/let me pull out my little black book/ too good for you MOTHERS....


So today was my first day where my mother or mother in law couldn't help and I was forced into starting the adventure.

It was.



Zach has learned how to kick his shoes off, because he knows it means I have to out him down to pick them he runs away, forget holding hands. Danny takes advantage of this time to inform me he didn't go to the bathroom before we left, he has to go really bad "NOW!", he can't carry his's too heavy, He's not wearing his hat because it will mess up his hair...the list goes on and on..and every word that leaves his mouth is sheer whining..which only adds to the whole beauty of the day, the 20 degree day where my 12 day old baby is forced into the outdoors.

We barely make it downstairs, now 20 minutes later after the bathroom trip, the drinking fountain trip, the replace binky in baby mouth pit-stop and the "oh shit, I hope I put in those nursing pads" freak out.

But, we made it.

And just in time to return home, change diapers, feed


do the exact same thing again with the knowledge that this is what I get to do 3 days a week, all winter long.

Oh the Joys!

On a non-sarcastic, much more important and un-selfish note:

Andrew's PKU test for his Thyroid came back irregular, so he was re-tested yesterday and we'll hopefully find out the results by Mon. and I am trying NOT to worry was only the pre-liminary test that he failed.

but, it still sucks.

He is a great baby, just like the others. He's adorable and quiet and lovely in general. He has found his place in this home and family effortlessly and naturally, like somehow I know now that I would alwasy have 3 boys, there was just no other way. It's looking back and towards the future where you realize you have absolutely no control in your life, it's just how you deal what what you've been given.

I am also going to try and learn how to do some fun blogger stuff on here, like add

I know,

big step!

So here's a few.

Maybe I'll actually get some readers..

other than my faithful claire!

Friday, November 7, 2008

this time tommorow.

I have no idea where I'll be.
I wouldn't say I am a control freak, in fact..Im am in general..extremely laid back and indifferent.
Yet, when it comes to the baby you have carried for nin months in your body, you turn into a protective, need to know everything, must be in control freak.
and that would be me right now.
I just wish I could go to the doctor NOW and find out, instead of wasting my morning wondering what the result will be.
Also, it may sound crappy, but at this point I hope they just send me, not because I like the idea of being induced (even though I've done it before), but because it's all I've thought about for 2 days and I already have it set in my mind that I am going and I spent ALL day yesterday with all my lovely helpers preparing for the baby to come this weekend. So, if he doesnt, then....then I will have nothing to do but wait for 3 weeks, or 2 or whatever amount of time it is that will creep by slowly.
But, I understand he should stay in there and get all fat and stuff. And since neither of my boys were big babies, Danny being 4lbs 7oz and Zach 6lbs, 12 oz, I was hoping a big ole' 8 pounder. But, I am starting to think I was not made to make big babies that go full term..because I have the easiest and healthiest pregnancy's up until the end and then terminal failure somehwere in my dumbass body and we're off the hospital, early.
So, I know whats going to happen, I've done it before..let's just do it already.
I don't feel TOO bad about it being 3 weeks early, because the cloest I have gotten to my due date was with Zach and I was ...37 1/2 weeks. And with each and every preg. I have had, I never know when my due date and it's always decided upon the first ultrasound, which they say is pretty accurate, but what if you just make slightly smaller babies and that general basis of measurement is then in fact, void.
Either way
I am just rambling to waste time. I really have nothing better to do.

Dear Claire,
my only reader.
maybe my mail will come early and THEN I will have something to waste my time with!!

Did I mention that Zach's only mission in life the last 2 weeks is to prepare me for my sleep-less nights to come? Ohhh yes. Zach has taken it upon himself entirely, feeling it his duty as newly appointed "big brother" and no longer " baby-baby of the house" to make sure that I am fully prepared to go without sleep.
Thank you Zach, thank you for your selfless efforts.
here they are:
We go to bed after reading 1, 2 or maybe 3 books around 9. And that goes surprisingly well considering they are in bunk beds and Zach is only 19 mo. old.
Roughly around 1am, Zach comes right up into bed with us, "blankey and baby" clutched to chest. So, mom gets up and we go back to his bed, where he pats his pillow, asking me to stay.

I stay, knowing it's the whole problem..but my 9 mo. pregnant body cannot deny the urge to just sleep because there is a whole full bed stuffed to the brim with blankets, animals, a baby who wants to cuddle and the snoring the other room. So, I sleep..roughly till 3am and then I manage to use the restroom for the 100th time and crawl back into bed.

Then around 5, he's baaaaaack! This time, my body cannot deny the urge to just pick him up and cuddle with him in our bed.
So, I do. And It's bad and also the whole problem here, I know. And we sleep till just around 6:15 when Eric's alarm start going off and my internal bladder alarm is also screaming
and we're awake
welcome to a beautiful day.
and all would be well if I could share that 3 hour mid-day nap with him, but unfortunately..I am forced to do things like shower and cook food....silly necessities.
all in all..I figure I am averaging 6 hours sleep now, waking at 2-3 hour intervals,moving throughout the house..
am I ready for baby?

ohh yes.

Thank you my dear Zachary.

Whats to come when he has to compete with someone slightly more hugry and in need of mom? I have no clue.
But, I think..
and don't say anything because he hasn't figured it out yet.
But I think.
Eric may have to (for the first time EVER) get up in the middle of the night.

WOAH!! Hold the train.
Impossible, you say?

Yeah, I agree.

I'll probably just go crazy.
So, when I quit writing, it will be thanks to the straightjacket and padlocked room.
because only then
will I get some damn sleep!!

Wish us luck
Im off to find something productive to do.