the holidaze

In between Christmas and New Years is a crazy place to be.
My house has not nearly recovered from xmas. The boys room is a disaster. Eric's family goes insane about them,I swear they each got about 30 presents (90% toys) which I believe is too much and I have the smallest house in the world, so it poses more problems than positives.
I took my tree down already. It was too hard with Zach constantly getting into it and throwing tree ornanaments all over the house, plus it took up my whole living room since I insisit on real trees. Mentally, I am still exhausted from the whole weekend. It was non stop on since x-mas eve. We had Dinner at my sis-in laws with all our family and hers and did a small exhance over there, came home and did our exchange with my mom and sis and then stayed up all night putting crap under the tree and we got a late start since Danny wouldnt go to sleep until nearly 11. We woke up and did our thing xmas morning and then immediately went to Eric's parents and spent all day there, because it took that long to open all the gifts. And then we packed up the whole fam and went to Eric's grandparents...which always ends up being my favorite part of the day even though I dread going over.
His grandma owns like 30 acres in the middle of nowhere and has this cabin type house out in the woods that has a trail leading back to it. They plastic the whole thing in and light the 2 wood burning stoves, put up a tree, a whole bunch of tables, fill the whole room with people and a crazy amount of delicious food and we feast and hang out. There are kids everywhere, a huge bonfire in the back, where everyone smokes cigars and drinks beer or egg nog drinks and everyone just hangs out. It ends up being the great end to a perfect day.
I hate tearing the kids away from thier toys but, Eric did it his whole life and I don't think he ever flet slighted.
It was late by the time we got home, nearly 10 and I just about passed out and havent been able to catch up on sleep since.
People have been in and out all weekend and into this week with ramdom gifts for the kids. Friends of ours who recently moved to W.V. stopped by Saturday night and it ended up being a huge reunion when some other friends swung by and we ended up playing UNO the whole night..lol..Danny was in heaven AND he practiced his colors and numbers!
My sis in law is hosting a big new years party tonight. I opted out. I refuse to ask for a babysitter and don't believe it's the right thing to do even if I HAD someone to babysit, considering Andrew's age and inability to sleep for 3 hours straight. So, Eric is going and I'm not and Im ok with it.
I'm looking forward to wrapping up the year at home with my kids, my new book and a pot of herbal tea. This is whast important to me right now and although Im missing hanging out and celebrating..there will be a new year EVERY year and I can catch up later.
Plus. I cant handle no sleep like I use to. Having 3 kids makes it impossible to survive late nights.
Eric and I and the kids drove out to youngstown yesterday to drop off my application for the hygiene program.
It is done.
There is no more I can do, but hope what I did was good enough and wait to find out if I was accepted.
I finished with a 3.4, which pissed me off because I had a 4.0 just last spring semester! Having children in college..I should say..delivery a child while attending college proves to have a negative effect on GPA's...who would have guessed?
Oh well. It is what it is.
And I would like to say, like I always do..that this year was by far the best ever.
Another year of welcoming life, the addition to my already beautiful, happy family. The completion of my pre-req's and moving forward to the next goal of my life, my children's health, my friends support and many other things.
2008 will be hard to top, but somehow I know 2009 will be better.
Happy New Years to all.

busy bee

I am insanely busy these days! Getting ready for Christmas with 3 children, one very young is proving to be very challenging!
This past weekend was a hit. 8 of my good friends went up for the horrendous browns game in the 10 degree weather, negative if you count the wind chill. We tailgated for a while and had a load of fun in the dawg pound. But, overall it was exhausting and I am still re-couping from my first 6 hours away from home with the addition of my first consumption of beer.
Since then it has been go-go-go in between last minute shopping and preparing for the craziness.
Danny is soo freaking excited, it's really all he talks about.
On top of all that, I go in today to have my birth control placed, Mirena. Im pretty excited about that because it means no more babies!! Well, for at least 5 years or earlier if I want. Go Safe SEX!
Another change is I had to give up nursing. I took the baby in because he was screaming and crying non-stop after a week of my not eating dairy. The doc. said he may be lactose intolerant. So, I tried a few days of pumping and storing while he tried soy based formula (which is the type I have always used when I switched because I have always had good experiences with it). What an amazing change. He is like a new baby, he sleeps!! And I feel like a human again because it was worse than normal newborn lack of sleep..there was NO sleep and I was running all day after the other 2! And I have never taken naps, it's not something I allow..I feel too guilty afterwards.
So, we're much happier now, although it sucks that I had to give up my special bond. On the other hand, Eric is way more involed and loves feeding him, which makes me happy.
Im off to the docs, grocery shopping and many other things..

Tidings of Comfort & Joy

I think I mentioned that I was rear-ended a few weeks ago, the day before Thanksgiving-a hellacious day. After deciding to do be a good-hearted person and not give this girl a citation, I was given false insurance information, a disconnected cell phone number and a name that doesn't hold a policy with that insurance company. I went and got an estimate on the damage last week, just to see and it came to $685; which is unbelievable because it's just 2 tiny dents that I wasn't planning on getting fixed, or even claiming but, when i found out it was worth that much, enough to catch us up on past bills, I decided not to fix the van and just take the money and run.
Well, it was a huge ordeal because I had to call the Sheriff who came out to the accident, explain what this idiot citizen attempted to do, have him go to her father's house (yes, she's one of those 27 year old with 2 kids that still lives with Daddy), wait for her dad to call me and have the gull to get snippy with me, saying his daughter called and I never called back. Wrong, bucko! Your daughter is a lying loser, who needs a smack in the face, kick her ass out and call children's services for those poor children, oh and tell her if she is planning on drinking and driving to NOT rear-end someone, thank her lucky stars I am a nice person and that the cop was a lazy dumbass for not smelling the alcohol on her breath and giving her a DUI and to be really glad not a single one of my children were in the car or I wouldn't have been so nice.
But, it was the night before thanksgiving and I was feeling charitable.
Last time for that!
I hate that I still have faith in humanity and it proves me to be a naive idiot every time. Are there any good people left in this world that Im not already friends with?
So, after I finally got the info. and relayed it to the insur. adjustor, I was told an "inspector" would have to come and make his own estimate of damage. So, everyone I talked to says that Inspector Gadget (which is what ive been calling him for a week) will argue my total and offer me half or even 3/4's and I will have to argue and settle for some shitty amount.
So, he came today and I armed myself for a fight, rallying everything that has irritated me lately into one ball of fury so I was prepared to get my broke ass some money. I figure I shouldnt feel guilty because I could have claimed a back-ache and sued and stuff....
So, Inspector gadget comes into the house and makes that ever-popular remark "wow, you have your hands full".
He was one of those sweet, nerdy, loser guys that desperately deserves a woman, but wont find one to settle down with him untill he's 35 because it takes us women that long to figure out THOSE are the types to marry.
I am barely able to give him the paperwork he needs since Zach is freaking out, Danny isn't answering my calls for help and the baby cannot, I repeat, cannot be put down or crying fits will insue and then I won't be able to hear Inspector Gadget.
He explains he will have to look at van and type up a report and yada yada. I stopped listening and get my guns ready.
He comes back in 10 minutes later, hands me a piece of paper and says
"your estimate looks good, I just copied it down to the exact dollar amount, we'll cut you a check as soon as the paper-work processes" he pauses, smiles and knowingly says "Merry Christmas"
and I think:
Inspector Gadget just did one of those, nice, true-hearted acts of kindness like i did for that dumb biotch and so many others in my past.
karma, total karma. i swear by it. I honestly believe good things happen to those who deserve and need it.
I also have learned in my years of being a mother that when times are really desperate and your running out of hope, something always comes unexpected, something random that makes it possible to come out on top.
This is definatly one of those things, that money will make a world of a difference in this house.
and things like this are the reason Eric and I havent robbed any banks yet, we have seriously considered it though..well, with water guns.

On a side note
We have been having issues with Zach keeping his shoes on for...about 6 months now, we buys shoes based upon the difficulty level of removing them.
Well,we introduced a big, honkin pair of snow boots a few weeks back and he refused to wear them, infact he would throw himself on the ground and kick his feet if you tried.
and then
last week he discovered them by himself, tried them on, walked around and decided he loved them.
But, now he is obessed. He wears them ALL DAY! He walks around the house in them, takes naps in them, the only time he doesnt wear them (and this is because I enforce it) is for a bath and bed time.
he wears ther everywhere we go, even though it hasn't snowed in weeks, he dances in them,tt trips in them..its hilarious.
but, the really funny part.
he also started taking his clothes off.
So,
now..
he doesn't wear anything but a diaper and his snow boots.
I really havent forced the clothes thing. we keep the house warm and if I could walk around naked, I would. So, Im rolling with it. I can't wait to get some pics...but I haven't had a chance yet.
baby is great,growing like a weed.
Danny is....
well, we're working on it.

meeting with the teacher

picture this:
7:30 pm Tuesday night at the Smith home.
Sarah and baby are hanging on the couch reading her new series of books, totally relaxed. Eric is watching the cavs kick some ass, totally happy. Danny is sitting next to us playing with his action figures, totally innocent. Zach is in his room watching Elmo movie, totally unaware.
The phone rings.
It's Danny's teacher. "Sarah, I wanted to meet with you after school tommorow to discuss how Danny has been behaving lately. thanks, Mrs. Busch"

Ok.
Eric-livid. Sarah-shocked. Danny-guilty. Zach and Andrew-still unaware:)
WHAT???

I was actually nervous too. Not like nervous for a big test or nervous for an interview. I wasn't anxious like waiting for a phone call. I wasn't upset like I would be if my Husband came home really late.
It was all of these feelings, but differently. I was nervous to hear someone else tell me my child isn't perfect, even though I already knew that..to some extent. I was anxious to get it over with and anxious to know if I could handle this first test as parent the right way, whatever that is. And I was upset because I saw it coming and didn't have time to fix it on my own, upset because I felt guilty knowing this was soley our faults as parents and just plain...dumbfounded.
It was my first lesson in parenting handed to me other than from our own parents or friends. And it was also the first time advice and opinions would be given without seeking them.

Basically.
Danny is having temper tantrums, which in turn means that he is seeking attention. And apparently the reason they have gotten so out of hand and why he does it so often is beccause he knows it works and is somehow getting his need of attention met through this ritual. So, it has to stop. Duh.
No more time-outs. Teach. says he's immune to them. Instead, use other words, but with the same actions behind it like, "think about it's, or decison making time or cool off time or alone time" etc.
Also, I need to be direct and tell him his screaming and fit throwing is not acceptable, getting down to his level. One sentence and then leave him alone, walk away and do not make contact until his attitude changes. And finally, the egg-timer. I am supposed to set the egg timer for 5-10 minutes when I take something away from him or when he is in his "think about it" time.

I thought I was doing allof this, well..some of it.
But, I went into it with an open mind. I Wasn't defensive or angry. In fact, I asked questions on "what about when this happens?" or "how do I handle.."
I didn't argue. The truth is everything they said was right. I felt guilty because I feel like I have let my oldest, my first born, my lovely danny boy who was my first reason for ever wanting to be a parent to other children, who is the reason I went back to school, the reason i quit doing drugs, the reason I settled down and got my shit together, my reason for a better future. I feel like...
I let him down.
And now that I think about it. He IS always last, especially lately. I mean...I was pregnant and really sick at the end..really sick. He was always being told to wait. ANd then the baby came. And now when it's just me and the kids during the day, there are times when I cant even get up from feeding the baby to get them what they need and they wait again. And since Zach got sick, the truth is...Danny was pushed to an even farhter back burner because he's the oldest and even though he is pretty self-serving, well..Sarah..he's still a kid.

So,
we've messed up. Face the facts. Your kid has turned into somewhat of an attention seeking nightmare.
No wonder no one volunteered to help transport him.
It sucks because all of his good traits and attributes are being overshawoded by this new behavior. He is do damn friendly too, with so much to offer. He's my little star, thats what we always call him.
But, he needs more and we need to commit to giving it to him.
Because he goes to kindergarten next year and after 2 years of preschool he should be ready, i mean..more than ready.
And
this is why I am a huge advocate for preschool, although it cost us..a lot and I sacrfice many things to keep him in it, it's definately worth it. These things need to be fixed now, before it's too late. And Im just glad I had someone pull me aside, because as parents..it's all good intentions gone bad.

I feel ok about this milestone in parenting.

Parenting is so damn hard. But, for me it hasn't ever been hard like "I don't want to" or difficult because it's tiring or stressful or overwhelming.
It's hard because
even though all you yearn for is to be the best parent you can be, it seems your always falling short somehow and it seems everyday holds a new obstacle to overcome and you find, your not near done learning all there is to learn and your not anythingc close to perfect and you cant fix it all or even really, control any of it.
and there you are.
Your in that place of acceptance where all you can do is...
all you can do.

so thats all I have.

doc visit

Andrew had his 4 week check up today.
He is growing allright..3 pds in 3 weeks, go mom! So, he's finally up to 8lbs 2 oz!! Yeah! Which finally puts him on the chart at 10th percentile for his age! Little stinker! He is also 20 inces now..so he is finally starting to fit into clothes and diapers, which is nice.
He was also termed "slightly colicky" and I agree! I was very, very lucky with my first 2 boys. I use to walk around thinking I was super-mom because my babies never cried and I always heard horror stories and I thought (yes, I'll admit it)...I thought, it was the mother's fault. lol I always thought it meant the mother was not relaxed and the baby was just picking up on the mother's anxiety. It's crappy and ignorant to think that, but I always had easy babies.
Well, this little guy changes everything.
He just cries for no reason, on and on..to the point of..ignorance. I have never heard a newborn squawk so much! He whimpers and whines and squirms around; he is constantly moving. He is the worst at night. Also, he spits up all the time, sometimes immediately after a feeding, before I even get a chance to burp him. And these gas pains...ohh lordy.

Eric thinks it's the best thing that has ever happened because it's working as a method of birth control. If all my babies were like this, i would have stopped at one. (yeah..right :)
But, he's freakin adorable. I've decided he looks nothing like me,simply my husband and he is totally aware of this and I think he loves it more than anything. Danny has always gotten the "he looks just like his mommy" and Zach still gets the "he looks just like Papa" so I know Eric is happy to get the "he looks just like Daddy"...finally! it only took 3!
Zach is on the mend and doing much better. And his middle of the night charades are turning into only once a night, and straight back to bed, barely needing a kiss to fall back to sleep.
Danny...
yeah, nearly 5 yr. old's are NOT easy! He has started this random throwing screaming fits. It's insane and irrational and totally maddening. His teacher is even fed-up, so we are working on a disicpline rountine together, making sure we do the same thing at preschool and home. And this would be making him immediately sit in a specific chair untill screaming fit ends and he able to control his emotions.
He is really excited for chirstmas though, being the only one old enough to vocalize wishes and wants and excitement, it's cute. It makes the whole 6 hour tree decorating deal worth it and hanging lights outside in the freezing rain.
Im preparing for x-mas pics, which Im doing at home this year to save money. Im spending the money I save on the photo greeting cards from walmart..10 personalized for 10 bucks, not bad!
I have 1 final exam next monday and the deadline to turn in all my term papers for english and then I am DONE!!!! >>>nearly tears of excitement.
Im so behind on shopping, only because there is no funds.
Gifts or bills??
Well, gifts.
thats all for now.

better

We're doing much better today. Things have either calmed down or I have just gotten used to them. Danny no longer has a crazy fever, it's controlled and he is actually up walking, talking and eating. And now Im wishing he was still feeling lethargic. Shh....

Zach seems slightly better, at least the screaming fits have subsided. He still greets me at least 3 times throughout the night, but I have accepted that as part of my current life now. I don't have the energry or ability to rectify the situation when there is a 3 week old nursing in my bed. So, pick your battles...Im defeated..for now! Just wait until this baby is sleeping through the night in his crib and Zach is going to have quite the adjustment period..I just have to figure out my attack plan!

Andrew is very...gas-y. Which is weird, because he's totally breastfed and my diet is very healthy, actually. He just whines, whimpers and farts constantly. I don't understand why.

Other than that, he's great. He's starting to fill out in all the right areas, getting those cute little winkles of fat and chubby cheeks.

Our fish is in thr last stages of death. This damn goldfish (whose name I don't even know...) will not die! He has been holding on for days now, I'm like "die already so i can clean the tank and get a new one"

Great-at this exact moment Danny just said "I don't want the fish to die, he's my best friend."

Keep in mind: Danny hasn't thought once about that damn fish since the day we bought it for him 2 1/2 years ago for his 2nd birthday and now all of a sudden he loves it.

My semester is winding down with finals in 2 weeks and only 2 more days of classes and only once class left that I actually have to show up for-THANK GOD! I don't even care anymore. I porbably should, because Iknow my acceptance into the program is dependant on grades, but the damage has been done. Having a baby in the complete middle of the semester doesn't make for straight A's. I only wish I could send a short, sweet note with my application like

Dear Reviewing people,

please understand that my grades reflect the fact that I was pregnant for my last and most crucial semester, delivered the baby 3 weeks early-directly in the middle of the semester. I also have 2 young boys. I was diagnosed with Giardia while pregnant and during the same week that I had to fulfill the duty of Matron of Honor for a horrendous bridezilla who I love dearly. And yeah...I REALLY WANT TO BE ACCEPETED...WAAAAHHHHH..... ( me whining loudly)

Thanks,

Insane mother of 3

I might just send it. Could it hurt?

Hey,they might be men..maybe I should throw in a :

PS-I hear I give good head.

lol

totally joking. totally.

I don't even do that anymore, those days are way over.

Woah. My page totally just went pg-13. Here's some G rated pics to make up for it!

He's definately handsome.

I love this one of him.

My little sick-ling, still making it look good!

The Sick House

It's Official...
This is the sick house.
Zach was diagnosed with Giardia. We found out on Thanksgiving Eve and I spent 12 hours of my day working on getting him his prescription since the doctor's office is full of complete idiots. They wrote the wrong Rx, sent it to the wrong place and then after 6 hours of waiting, they put me on hold for 45 min. ( no exaggeration) and finally told me there was a mistake and because of the medicine is so hard to mix, it has to be mixed at Children's hospital, but because they waited so long the Pharmacy is closed and now they are trying to geta hold of someone in the "in-patient" pharmacy. Well..2 hours later the in-patient pharm. called me and told me to come pick it up, they sent it to the wrong place IN the hospital, I finally tracked it down and was on my way home at 9:30 pm...when I was rear-ended by a decently nice drunk girl....lovely, right?
The Holiday was terrific considering the sickness factor.
And then yesterday happened.
Danny woke up fine, but by 1:00, said he didn't feel good and then somehow developed a temp. of 103.5.
I had to go to school, there was no way around it. I had to take 2 make up tests and make up 2 labs plus turn it all my english stuff...
My mother in law calls to tell me that Danny's temp is up over 103 WITH tylenol already in his system all day and he vommited and hasn't moved off the couch since I left.
Oh, I forgot. Zach also developed this horrible upper respitory thing and with him being so young, there is nothing I can give him but tylenol..so his nose is bleeding from wiping, he coughs and has this horrible drainage that just pours out. He has insane screaming fits that last well over an hour long..for no reason.
And then last night
The baby's stool was loose, like not normal breast-fed baby poo.
I mean C'MON!
So, today I have spent in between all children and on the phone with the nurses from the office..I have to take in a stool specimen so they can test Andrew for the big "G".
and we STILL dont know where it's coming from.
All in this one house we have an upper respitory infection, Giardia, The stomache flu, a 3 week old baby with diarreha and
an overwhelmed mother
who is running on auto-pilot.
I really can't take any more health issues.
I have always taken pride in my healthy children
And my kids don't even go to daycare or a baby sitter's house..what the hell??
Danny goes to Preschool but only for 2 1/2 hours a day, 3 days a week...

And with finals around the corner and Christmas quickly approaching and having barely started on shopping...
well..
Im considering
NOT having any more children,
I will probably take this back some day soon
But,
I think 3 is enough, I'm done. My heart cannot handle any more!
:)

my mother

is so F'n irritating.
and to trutly grasp the seriousness of this topic, you would have to meet her. I have actually had people meet her for the first time, spend time with her and then afterwards say "yeah, your mom..wow...you were right."
She is insane. Like, literally not right in the head. She has always had these issues with depression and she's also a hypochondriac, so she always has some new disease or condition, but she is also a R.N. who considers herself a doctor, so she either self medicates with all these crazy herbal stuff and she also takes herself off her depression meds for great periods of time without consulting her doctor, because "she knows what she needs"
She is also extremely selfish, immature and self-righteous. She's highly opinionated and judgemental. She will read something new in some random book and immediately all other views are completely obsolete and she will consider you a true idiot for thinking anything else.
She judges people based on where they live, not like a state like the rest of us..how we joke about West Virginia, which..by the way..I have friends from there and have vistited for extended periods of time and I find the state absolutely lovely. No, she judges people on what city they live in..I HATE THIS! "oh, you know how those Green people are..so close minded." "I hate Akron, all these damn uneducated people" and so on..
it's like
hellooooo YOU live here, I live here and we don't have any other family SO maybe we shouldn't make fun of ourselves?
She is embarrisingly loud and obnoxious, in fact..I believe it's why she has no friends.
She is never wrong, always right. She takes all of her agressions out on the first person she talks to and since she has no other support system, that's usually me.
She has failed miserably in the romance department, married 3 times...children with 2 different men and now..every man she passes is a "complete loser, scum bag, pig"
She has filed bankruptcy not once, but twice. The first time was when I was in middle school and they came in and took everything...even my damn stereo system. I thought she learned, but no,...she did it again last year. She makes 25/hour...and only has to provide for her and my 10 yr. old sister..what the hell? And then she borrows money off of me.
She is abosolutely dependant on me and my husband. We cook for her, clean for her, pick up on the side of the road because her car breaks down (weekly), I hear her cry, scream, reak havoc..so that she feels better. My husband is the "man" so he has to fix anything that goes wrong in her house, car, life...
And I know this is horrible that I am laying it out there like this, about my own mother and speaking so poorly of her. And I also believe that people should do whatever it takes for family and we do, and thats why I have never told her any of this.
and honestly
it doesn't bother me so much that she was a horrible mother my whole life. It doesn't bother me (anymore) that she used me a pawn against my father throughout my childhood to hurt him and instill fear. It doesn't matter anymore that she allowed me to live in a physically abusive home for 8 years and then she moves me into a sexual abusive house for another 5....and always took the man's side, claiming they would get better, she would fix them..yet my father was "still the ass"
It doesn't bother me anymore that we moved 12 times in my childhood, that I spent school nights either calling the cops because I woke up to her getting her ass beat or in the battered womens shelter. And I don't care that my attendance in elementary school sucked because if I wasn't overcomign a night of abuse, I was attending biker parties or staying at some random persons' house, sleeping in a strange bed with children, not knowing when I was getting picked up.
These things and MANY others that my husband and I share at desperate times, or even the things that I will take to the grave with me..
I have overcome (without the help of a professional or drugs). I think they have made me stronger, more independant, an understanding person, an honest individual, an amazing wife and a kick ass mother.
Her offenses against me have been forgotten.
But, what really kills me, what keeps me awake at night, what makes me consider the phrase "I love you, but I don't like you" or even "I think we should go our own ways"
is that
She is an awful Grandmother.
When she even tries, she fails. My own loving, adoring children don't even like her and they live everyone.
I know they just pick up on her feelings because any room she enters, she enters with baggage..she always is upset about something, angry at someone and you can almost see the despair and agression boiling on her skin and I swear my children don't want anything to do qith it.
My husband and I do a pretty damn good job of creating a household full of love and hope, despite our problems. We have built walls up around our children in an effort to protect and conserve thier innocence, something that was not done for either of us.
And she tears down these walls again and again with her thoughtless actions and vain attempts at self-less acts that end in failure and dissapointment.
And I let her
again and again
and I hate that.
yet, I cannot stop. I cannot cut the cord that tied us together 25 years ago, no matter the disease that spreads rampant through her life, finding it's way into my own.
I am blinded by the idea of what she could be. I am a victim to unconditional love in it's purest form. I am guilty for still holding belief to her words.
I am the only one who can stop this pathetic charade.
"You cannot control others, only yourself"
She taught me that.

I must confess

I just ate not one, but two m&m choc.chip cookies at 9 in the morning and soley because it sounded good, not because I was hungry or anything.
riiight, that's the kind of thing that keeps baby weight on. damn.
Today looks promising...to be stressful.
Zach has come down with an incredible case of diarehha and normally I would chalk it up to the stomache bug, as it is that time of year but, because of my recent diagnosis of Giardia..Im freaking out. It started friday and went away and then came back fully on saturday. I called the doctors, because I thought they had Sat. appointements, they don't. So, I've been waiting till right now. If somehow it IS Giardia...it's really scary because It means that somehow we were both infected and possibly, it is our water system..so anyone in may family could have it (including my in-laws..parents, sister and brother).Not only that but IF the baby were to get it, he would not be able to fight it off...
I go in at 1:40, which is just enough time to round everyone up, come home and get ready to go back to class for the first time in over 2 weeks. gag!
I HATE leaving baby, hate it! I have Never left one of my boys this early for this long (6 hours). I know he will be fine, my mother in law is possibly a better caregiver than me and I stopped doubting my husbands abilities years ago..it just hurts in that deep maternal, guilt ridden,sleep deprived..way. I've been working overtime on the pumping thing so that there is enough milk to go round, which is a first for me because I have never had to leave before..and it wears you out, producing more than needed. Im probably just exhausted in general.
I'm not looking forward to returning to school because I am behind miserably. My Chem class, or should I say THE chem class..since it really is the reason for all this madness..going to school being pregnant and crap...
well
I have missed 2 quiz's, one test, 2 labs, onelab quiz and when I return today we're scheduled for another test.
bah humbug.

have I ever mentioned my obsession with chirstmas music?
lol
Eric is about to commit music suicide because a week ago I started playing non-stop x-mas music in the house and he thinks it's insane.
I think it's jolly.
Im a nerd.
and Im ok with it.

THIS mother...

is

TIRED.

There is no other way to put it.

Everyone wants to know what it's like to go from 2 children to 3?! Let me tell you:

It's easy in the sense that you already know how to juggle more than one schedule at a time and you have already accepted the fact that as a mother, your needs are met dead-last, if at all and you also have 2 children that have learned some things you must "wait" for.

Yet, on the other hand..

it's really hard.

There is NO keeping up. While it may seem like you couldn't keep up with laundry before..forget it. Those piles are not moving for days. The dishes? My sink hasn't been empty since I've been home from the hospital and we are utilizing the "straight from drying rack to dinner table" method, which doesn't prove any more effective because now my counter space is cut in half so during the precious moments when I am holding newborn baby and filling up sippy cup for the toddler and making a PB&J sandwich for the eldest....and dishes start falling off the top of the mountain and we're all donig a dance to try and not get blasted by the "clean" dishes..which end up on the floor before the dinner table.

Showering is near impossible. Yes, baby is in the bathroom with me..safe and sound sleeping in the car seat or bouncer seat and thank god..because the horrific screams that carry thier sound to the shower as Im trying to get my 2 1/2 minutes of alone time are never -ending and result in at least: 1 broken toy, 1 child crying, 1 huge mess to clean up and 3 children to soothe...and I still haven't managed to find an outfit I sucessfully fit in, so I wander througout the house in the same 2 outfits as I painfully accept the fact that yes...three pregnancy's is harder on the body then I originally allowed myself to believe.

Bedtime has become the breakdown for the whole family. Zach is the creator of havoc...with a record breaking 27 attempts(yes, we counted) at going to sleep and that was followed by another glorious 9 visits from him in the middle of the night, which either happen directly after feeding little Andrew and settling back in for my promised 3 hours of sleep intervals or it happens WHILE nursing the baby, which gets Dad involved..which is scary all by it's self, not to mention Zach is screaming relentlessly and irrationally with all limbs and appendages struggiling to give black eyes and broken ribs as either me or dad coax him back into bed, using the ever popular "repetition" method..which is basically an attempt to not lose your mind while you do the exact same thing over and over, silently praying that THIS time will be the time it clicks in thier head...but, ohhhh...the screaming. And the screaming is what affects Danny..who whines from the upper bunk at 3am; "please, please Mom..let him sleep with you." Those dumb-ass parenting books who claim that repetition and routine are the key to any sucessful night of sleep don't account for the older brother who is being tortured by the screaming fits...

but not the little guy

oh no

he sleeps and sleeps and cuddle and nuzzles and makes those damn adorable little grunting noises, so you can't help it..

you forget all the other crap

and

you love your children

all damn 3 of them

and THAT is when you know you are truly insane.

Aside from the events in the house..outings are quite interesting.

First let me explain that I posted a lovely little note at Danny's preschool 3 weeks ago asking for a volunteer to help transport him to and from school for a few weeks (so I wouldn't have to bring baby out in the cold). His preschool which is tues, wed and thurs from 9-11:30 is 2 miles from my house. Also, dropping him off and picking him up means getting out of the car, entering the church, walking down the croweded, narrow stairs and then down the hall, turning left and waiting by the door and then getting Danny's coat and hat on, getting his bookbag and doing the same thing in reverse.

This whole routine was hard enough with 2 kids..so 3..seems..very intimidating.

Guess how many of these so-called "christain"/future PTO/Green's finest/perfect little BMW SUV driving/anti-thrift store shopping/let me pull out my little black book/ too good for you MOTHERS....

NONE!

So today was my first day where my mother or mother in law couldn't help and I was forced into starting the adventure.

It was.

sad.

:)

Zach has learned how to kick his shoes off, because he knows it means I have to out him down to pick them up..so he runs away, forget holding hands. Danny takes advantage of this time to inform me he didn't go to the bathroom before we left, he has to go really bad "NOW!", he can't carry his bookbag..it's too heavy, He's not wearing his hat because it will mess up his hair...the list goes on and on..and every word that leaves his mouth is sheer whining..which only adds to the whole beauty of the day, the 20 degree day where my 12 day old baby is forced into the outdoors.

We barely make it downstairs, now 20 minutes later after the bathroom trip, the drinking fountain trip, the replace binky in baby mouth pit-stop and the "oh shit, I hope I put in those nursing pads" freak out.

But, we made it.

And just in time to return home, change diapers, feed

and

do the exact same thing again with the knowledge that this is what I get to do 3 days a week, all winter long.

Oh the Joys!

On a non-sarcastic, much more important and un-selfish note:

Andrew's PKU test for his Thyroid came back irregular, so he was re-tested yesterday and we'll hopefully find out the results by Mon. and I am trying NOT to worry since...it was only the pre-liminary test that he failed.

but, it still sucks.

He is a great baby, just like the others. He's adorable and quiet and lovely in general. He has found his place in this home and family effortlessly and naturally, like somehow I know now that I would alwasy have 3 boys, there was just no other way. It's looking back and towards the future where you realize you have absolutely no control in your life, it's just how you deal what what you've been given.

I am also going to try and learn how to do some fun blogger stuff on here, like add pics..lol

I know,

big step!

So here's a few.

Maybe I'll actually get some readers..

other than my faithful claire!

this time tommorow.

I have no idea where I'll be.
I wouldn't say I am a control freak, in fact..Im am in general..extremely laid back and indifferent.
Yet, when it comes to the baby you have carried for nin months in your body, you turn into a protective, need to know everything, must be in control freak.
and that would be me right now.
I just wish I could go to the doctor NOW and find out, instead of wasting my morning wondering what the result will be.
Also, it may sound crappy, but at this point I hope they just send me, not because I like the idea of being induced (even though I've done it before), but because it's all I've thought about for 2 days and I already have it set in my mind that I am going and I spent ALL day yesterday with all my lovely helpers preparing for the baby to come this weekend. So, if he doesnt, then....then I will have nothing to do but wait for 3 weeks, or 2 or whatever amount of time it is that will creep by slowly.
But, I understand he should stay in there and get all fat and stuff. And since neither of my boys were big babies, Danny being 4lbs 7oz and Zach 6lbs, 12 oz, I was hoping a big ole' 8 pounder. But, I am starting to think I was not made to make big babies that go full term..because I have the easiest and healthiest pregnancy's up until the end and then terminal failure somehwere in my dumbass body and we're off the hospital, early.
So, I know whats going to happen, I've done it before..let's just do it already.
I don't feel TOO bad about it being 3 weeks early, because the cloest I have gotten to my due date was with Zach and I was ...37 1/2 weeks. And with each and every preg. I have had, I never know when my due date and it's always decided upon the first ultrasound, which they say is pretty accurate, but what if you just make slightly smaller babies and that general basis of measurement is then in fact, void.
Either way
I am just rambling to waste time. I really have nothing better to do.


Dear Claire,
my only reader.
maybe my mail will come early and THEN I will have something to waste my time with!!

Did I mention that Zach's only mission in life the last 2 weeks is to prepare me for my sleep-less nights to come? Ohhh yes. Zach has taken it upon himself entirely, feeling it his duty as newly appointed "big brother" and no longer " baby-baby of the house" to make sure that I am fully prepared to go without sleep.
Thank you Zach, thank you for your selfless efforts.
here they are:
We go to bed after reading 1, 2 or maybe 3 books around 9. And that goes surprisingly well considering they are in bunk beds and Zach is only 19 mo. old.
Roughly around 1am, Zach comes right up into bed with us, "blankey and baby" clutched to chest. So, mom gets up and we go back to his bed, where he pats his pillow, asking me to stay.

I stay, knowing it's the whole problem..but my 9 mo. pregnant body cannot deny the urge to just sleep because there is a whole full bed stuffed to the brim with blankets, animals, a baby who wants to cuddle and the snoring husband..in the other room. So, I sleep..roughly till 3am and then I manage to use the restroom for the 100th time and crawl back into bed.

Then around 5, he's baaaaaack! This time, my body cannot deny the urge to just pick him up and cuddle with him in our bed.
So, I do. And It's bad and also the whole problem here, I know. And we sleep till just around 6:15 when Eric's alarm start going off and my internal bladder alarm is also screaming
and we're awake
welcome to a beautiful day.
and all would be well if I could share that 3 hour mid-day nap with him, but unfortunately..I am forced to do things like shower and cook food....silly necessities.
all in all..I figure I am averaging 6 hours sleep now, waking at 2-3 hour intervals,moving throughout the house..
am I ready for baby?

ohh yes.

Thank you my dear Zachary.

Whats to come when he has to compete with someone slightly more hugry and in need of mom? I have no clue.
But, I think..
and don't say anything because he hasn't figured it out yet.
But I think.
Eric may have to (for the first time EVER) get up in the middle of the night.

WOAH!! Hold the train.
Impossible, you say?

Yeah, I agree.

I'll probably just go crazy.
So, when I quit writing, it will be thanks to the straightjacket and padlocked room.
because only then
will I get some damn sleep!!

Wish us luck
Im off to find something productive to do.

out with the old in with the ... old. :)

Eric came home from work yesterday with 2 huge dressers, worn with age, but solid wood and a beautifully designed wood pattern. So, today I spent my time measuring our house (which is no where near big enough for a family of 5..or even 4 for that matter). And I have decided in all my bravery too..
trash my falling apart armoire (however you spell that) and white dresser that I left home with when I was 17, were bought when I was 13 and have lived through 1 flooded basement and 5 moves and...show EVERY ounce of damage they hae recieved. So, Eric and I take the new dressers and put those into our room, which will take up every extra inch of space we didn't have to start with. And then, we will transfer Zach and Danny's clothed into the built in closets in thier room ( where we currently hold our crap). A few x-mas's ago,I was given the gift of these "kid closet organizers" so..Ill be installing those and getting rid of Danny's dresser which was also a hand me down and not doing so welll. And that will free up the dresser in the baby room, so that I can FINALLY start pulling up my baby clothes and getting them washed and prepared for baby Andrew....in the midst of all the moving of furniture and of course the non-stop sorting of the older boys clothes.."this doesnt fit, this does, this needs thrown away, this can go immediately to Zach from Danny since they are about the same size and 3 years apart!" lol..
that is my weekend in a nutshell. exciting, I know. And the only reason Eric is so apt to jump in and help..
the one dresser which will be precisly placed on the wall facing our bed has a 6 foot wide mirror on it...
and what do you think was his first thought?
Dream on buddy...I have 3 1/2 weeks till delivery and then I plan on using every 6 weeks postpartum that I can as an excuse NOT to give you your moment of glory in the mirror.
Danny's month long Halloween festivities are finally over, (thank god). The kid dressed up 8 times this month, one party after the next, parades', trick or treating, pics...im so done with Superman. Actually,I might make them dress up one more time to score pics with the carved pumpkins, but then I swear I'm done.
I am ready for October to be over and November to be here already
even though I am about 2 months behind in my normal preparing -for- baby stuff.
I really dont know how I am going to get all this done before this little guy comes. everytime I feel like I have an extra minute, I have to study...ahhh..Im also really done with classes!
BUT
I am really proud of myself,because I have been determined to work on chemistry and focus and figure this shit out.
and I took my test yesterday and..
I think I did..ok..like...maybe a B? definatey a C! and I need a 75% to being me up to 70% in the class...which means I can actually use the credit to apply to the program.
so, cross your fingers..
but hey, at least I tried!
thats all for now.
Im going back to work.

bunk beds are a...

HUGE HIT!
My kids are amazing.
I was shocked myself and I shocked other people when Danny was 18mo. old and was moved directly from crib-twin bed (w/ guardrail) without missing a nights sleep.
Well, I can offically say that..
2 nights ago, we constructed the bunk beds. And slightly apprehensive, I tucked Danny in up top and layed Zach down below (which is actually a full size mattress, so imagine how little a 19 mo. old looks) and we said goodnight. It was a total of 3 times that Zach come wandering out to the living room, each time carrying a different blankey or animal, looking slightly confused.but cool with it. And calmly I walked him back in there and tucked him good night. By the last time, he made his wishes clear by patting the pillow nexts to him. I layed down and snuggled up and sure enough he began his dozing off. I was thinking "I will only do this once..I promise myself." While Zach is drifting off and I am patiently waiting for sleep so I can sneak into the kitchen and raid the ice cream cookie sandwiches without having to share, I listen to Danny talking to himself on the top bunk and this is what he's whispering to himself:
"ohhh man...It's really scary up here, Im going to fal off...no, no I'm ok.It's ok.
ohh man, I'm really high. I really don't like this.
no, no..I'm ok..I'm ok..I'm ok"
After a few minutes of quiet I tip toed out, thinking they were both asleep. And then Danny says "mom, just come check on me in a few minutes..ok?"
and I said yes of course.
So, I did and when I come in he says "Im fine mom, you can stop now."
and that was it.
They slept all night; perfectly with not a single interuption untill 7:30 when Zach comes walking into my room and crawls into bed with me. But, thats our normal routine anyway.
The 2nd day presented a new problem. NAP TIME! hmm....I thought. Not only is it daylight, but Zach is now sleeping in what used to be "danny's room" which is huge and FULL of toys that Zach never really has the oppurtunity to play with.
But I have no choice. This is the decision I made and I was fully prepared to repeat the tucking him in process over 20 times.
It took 4 times.
4 times of me walking him back to the room and kissing all the animals again and blowing kisses for the last time.
By the 4th time I barely made it around the corner before he went running back into his room and jumped on the bed and layed down
So, I tucked him in and waited.
and waited.
waited.
5 minutes later I checked and unbelievably with all the temptations of toys and freedom, he just lays there looking around
5 minutes later he was sound asleep and slept his normal 2 hours.
and last night, night 2. It was a simple goodnight to both, shut the door and don't see them again until 7 this morning.
wow is allI can think.
I told Eric last night. "you know, this might have something to do with good parenting."
and he says
"nah...just good kids"while he smiles proudly.
and I laugh and said "yeah your probably right."

It's not all that bad.

So
I spent all morning at the lovely welfare office. I try my hardest to stay away from that place, upon entering I wonder how I ended up here AGAIN when all my goals in life were to stear me away from this dreaded place.
After standing in line for 15 minutes, I have a woman tell me that there are no more caseworkers for the day, the appointments have been filled since 8:00 am. She says I have 2 options, come back tommorow morning and line up outside in the cold around 6:30-7 and hope to get an appointment. Or I can wait 4 hours today, start the registration process and get a piece of paper that states that when I come tommorow morning at 7:00am, I get a guarenteed appt; which may be at 7:30, or 9 or 12 or 3 or 5...or anywhere in between.
I had to go with option 2. I decided to sit and wait 4 hours because #1, I had childcare today, which rarely happens and there is no way I am going to force my children to sit through this. and #2 I refuse to come down here at 7 in the morning without a GUARENTEE I will be seen.
I waited. My butt fell asleep. I got a lot of homework done. I realized I had no cash on me, didn't eat breakfast and wouldn't be home till 9:00pm tonight. ...sweet.
I got out roughly 4 hours later feeling much more appreciative of my situation. I still have a home, transportation, a loaded fridge and freezer and a whole family that support me.
These people have nothing. The man next to me had been waiting for 6 hours before he realized that 5 hours ago he should have been sent to another building (since he didnt speak english) where they could help him, since he is homeless.
at that point, sitting there in my new ohio state hoodie, studying out of my $250 text book and playing around on my somewhat- new, pink, touch-screen, sliding phone...at that point, I realized. Yeah...It's not all that bad.
I left smiling even though I wasted my whole day there and I had to listen to 2 men compare recent jail stories while they were "locked up". One was in for attempted murder and the other one robbery with a gun. The crazy thing was they talked about it like it was common and normal to live this life. It smacked my ass back into reality..back into a sheltered,young white female reality.--->which is a good place to be.
And now I sit between classes trying to work on school work..but really..not.
Other than that, I had my 34 week check up today and aside from my amazing weight gain..nothing is going on, which is good. I come back in 2 weeks and then I'm on the weekly visit schedule which is like the last and most definate sign that yes, it is almost THAT time. Soon, you will be sleepless and insane with love over yet another little peeing,pooping and puking bald man.
We found bunk beds. FINALLY. and what a bargain! Thankfully I waited for what I wanted to spend and didnt do anything dumb and thankfully I chekced craigs list one more time on sunday and was the 1st to call the seller or they would be gone. It's a metal twin on top and a full futon on bottom. I orignally wanted wooden but this one came with the matress and cover in EXCELLENT conditon for only $100. The lady was really nice and actually owns/works an in-home child care deal..so we hit it off, obviously.
And now the pieces are strewn all over my back porch in a intimidating manner, while the children jump from Danny's current twin bed to the futon matress which is laid out on the floow..and was stain free 2 days ago..which wont last long.
I am wondering how Zach will do in a big bed. The change is happening this weekend. Eric and I are going to attempt to assemble on friday night. He gets to drink beer during the process, so it shouldnt be too bad for him. But, I absolutely HATE putting things together without instructions. I read the instructions for everything..even shampoo. I swear. Weird I know, because i hate rules..yet need instruction. hmmmmm....
Trick or treating is coming up, Eric and I are doing a joint b-day celebration thing this weekend and soon it will be November...
and then the countdown to insanity really begins.

headed down

Although things have been pushed under the rug for the last few months (thanks to wedding histeria), they are now surfacing and..not looking pretty.
All in all, we ( my immediate family) and it seems; the entire US are headed for a downward spiral. Now, I reconize that there are many families out there far worse off than us..but, right now..Im looking a few months down the road and thinking "what the hell are we going to do?"
Eric is currently working roughly 25 hours a week and makes..a whopping 11/hr. So, he is supporting a family a four soley by himself. Thankfully and unfortunately, I was forced to take out extra money on my school loan this past month (for the 1st time). And it has been nice, we have been riding steady, but the wedding ( and the 1,200+ it cost us all together) really cleaned out the bank and now, at this pace we're ok for another month if things stay the way there are.
But, in another month exactly we will have another child here! And one month away from that is Christmas and I am starting to wonder how this is possibly going to happen.
Also, a huge deal is the fact that Eric's small business that he works for (approx. 15 ppl employed) is waiting on a huge amount of money that was never paid for thier services and Eric and I both agree...his company will not make it though this change in our economy. So, of course..like always, he is job searching. But, pickings ( more like hirings) are getting slim..the unemplyment rate is rising everyday and people tell Eric he is lucky to at least HAVE a job. We really need to move in another direction. The shitty thing is...I feel worthless. I just sit here contributing nothing. yes, I attend school full time..but that is a headache on it's own..my ONE class that I needed to take this semester, the entire reason I am even attempting to finsish this semester even though I will deliver dear baby 3 weeks before exams..is..I NEED CHEM TO APPLY TO THE PROGRAM.
and right now,
I am failing.Seriously, no joke..failing. I have no idea whats going on in class, I go to every class, participate,ask questions, take notes and still when test time comes (possibly the easiest tests ever)...I fail them. I don't even know how I'm capable of failing them because my teacher makes them so dumb friendly, yet...my highest grade in the class (including lab quiz's) a 70%...which was WITH the curve.
I need a "c" to use the class towards my application. How frustrating is is that I am hoping for a c?! I have a freakin 3.8 GPA and I am praying for a c!!! Not only that, but admission into the program is solely based on grades and very competitive. They only accept 24 students a year out of the 100+ that apply.
I will never forgive myself if I do not make into the program. My whole family will suffer the consequences of me wanting to do this school thing and not being happy with the job I had (that at least brought home a paycheck) and then I fail at getting accepted? I will be crushed with guilt.
I am trying to be optimistic about everything in general. I look back and realize that during times of desperate need, somehow we pulled through. There was always an extra check or a random thing that helped or the love and support of our familes.
But..I wonder how long our good luck will last. And I look at Danny, who is now old enough tounderstand whats and needs and I see him go without and stop asking for things because he knows the answer revolves around a lack of money and this is what kills me, tortures me.
I am being depressing, sorry.
on a good note:
I am completely cured of my "bugs"! I finished my antibiotics on Monday and still no symptoms of the grusomeness.
I saw my Dear Tabby yesterday. jayden and danny played for 3 hours in bk's playplace. We caught up on life, traded baby pics (she is due with twins in march) and I allowed her to totally use my should to cry on. Which made me feel good because it put things into perspective for me.
At least I have a husband who is practically perfect compared to the men she finds. And If I think money problems are hard, I have no clue! What she ( and a few other friends of mine) go through with relationships and baby's daddy's...is ridiculous and I would end up in the mental ward.
Eric did get a call back ona job with AT&T. He has to go do some testing thing up in cleveland and the sample questions are tricky..so, I'll keep my fingers crossed. But, i am done getting involved with hoping and dreaming..I am now realistic. Which is sad in a way.
Things are so calm now that the wedding is over, I have completely given myself over to my books and..Im trying to really crunch on school stuff, but it's tricky between children and dr. appts everyother day.
and I wonder how I ever did this plus one more class and worked?!!? am i insane?
thats about all.
Keeping my chin up...manly because my children are constantly around and so damn cute, it's hard to not believe it will all work out.

and...

wow.
I feel like I have been gone for years.
So, all my wishes are finally true...I survived the wedding.
But, actually it was completely amazing and beautiful and exciting and everything it was cracked up to be. The whole day was utterly perfect for them and I couldn't be happier.
My boys were a total HIT!! The entire night all I could think is "yes, they are mine! I claim them!!!" In fact, I spent more time with them throughout the reception than anything else and not because I had too, I choose to.My mom was appointed in charge of them, but when I wasn't doing matron of honor duties, I went straight over there and stole them back and if anyone was dancing with my handsome men..it was me. Except Eric...lol..I could care less about him. no, Im kidding..he was great too.
We spent like all week preparing for his speech and I was really excited because (shhh...) the entire set up and stuff was all my idea and I prefected the whole thing for him. He had the spotlight, but I was totally sitting there repeating lines in my head. He did great though and felt good about himself afterwards.
We're getting back into the swing of things. It's interesting returning to a life where nothing is going on after sooo much. I look at my calender for October and wonder how slow it will go now that there's nothing on my books. We do have a huge, annual halloween party next weekend which will be fun. The kids are all geared up and ready to go. Danny is superman this year (i believe he's aiming to be every superhero there ever was) and zach is mickey mouse (which might be the cutest thing EVER). Eric and I are stumbiling through ideas..we always so something together and we want to factor in this pregnancy somehow..no terrific ideas yet and we're running out of time.
Soo..more big news. actually, pretty damn big.
I was really sick last week. It started on the friday before the wedding..so back in sept. I started this horrible dirreha and feeling REALLY fatigued, nasueated,chills, fever..the whole nine yards. I let it go,longer than I should..thanks to wedding issues and my stubborness. I finally dragged myself to the docor after 6 days of not keeping anything in and barely the abulity of walking thanks to malnurishment. They told me off for waiting so long, wanted me to go straight to the er for hydration..i pretty much refused, claiming I was drinking lots of water, the baby was still moving like crazy and all that. They agreed but sent me home with a stool specimen test. I retuned my test the thurs. before the wedding and by friday night..I still hadn't heard a response. I assumed everything was normal and I was just battiling some virus and obviously NOT winning because I'm 32 weeks preggers and not resting like I should be thanks to wedding stuff.
Well, they call me at 5:00 on friday night (during rehearsal stuff) and say "don't freak..but it's still pending..you may have something"
So, that was fun..going through the whole weekend not knowing if I have some crazy infectious disease or anything.
Finally..on this monday after playing phone tag with the nurse ALL day. She calls to tell me that I tested negative for c-difficile (which is what they feared I had)..and thank god..becauuse it's horribly nasty and extrmemly hard to treat.
But,
I tested positive for.. Giardia lamblia. So, check that out online..it's also
super
nasty!
basically, I was somehow..someway..contaiminated with feces in my water(not just feces...feces with this parasite.)
So, they put me on this super strong antibiotic..and I felt like a new person within 24 hours of being medicated, which makes me wonder how long this was actually going on.
I had an outrageous amount of questions for my doctor, but mostly..how will this affect baby? and thankfully...not at all. baby is fine, he looks great, sounds great, gaining weight. I am the only one who took the toll.
Now we are going through the process of testing our water..which is a possibility, but a doubtful one.
all in all...
it has been a crazy, exhausting, romantic,exhilirating last few weeks.
and now I am returning to boring normalcy..
which includes watching my abdomen move all on it's own..which provides it's own unique sense of joy.

riiiiiiiight.

What a week or...two!
I feel practically out of touch with the world after losing power for 4 days, spending a week making up for what I missed in school via. the computer, studying for a huge chem. test and a vast amount of preperation for the wedding,which is now only...8 days away!
I quite excited about today! I am (for the first time since Eric and I have been together....6+years) going to the salon for a professional hair session! Yes, shampoo and conditoner with that lovely massage, cut AND color. I don't know how Eric is letting me do it because that shit costs a fortune and usually I am SO against it because I can color my hair myself forless than 5 bucks and always have in the past..but he thinks I need some "pampering" and who am I to argue? Actually, normally I do. I insist that the boys need new clothes instead or we should spend the extra money on one of the thousand medical bills that I never regularly pay. But, this time...I said "yep, that sounds like a brilliant idea"
I did not go to any of my classes last night. I hold a strict belief that college students are granted one "freebie pass" per class per semester. I wasn't planning on using any of mine this semester because I am due to have this baby PRIOR to the end of the semester, but...yah. I definately didn't go and really should have.Especially after getting my first Chem. test back on monday and finding out I earned a f'n 70%, which is offically the lowest grade I have gotten on anything since I entered college. So, extremely dissapointed in myself and also trying to ignore the urge to bust into tears when I realized that monday was also my deceased father's birthday, I came home and bitched to my husband about chemistry and dissapointments and frustrations for him to say:
"ohh..don't worry, you'll be fine." At this point, I shut up and think-yep, that's the same thing the guy sitting next to me in class said. Wow, thanks husband for the terrific insight and ability to make your pregnant wife's night any better-blah!!
needless to say, I took the night off last night and then had to explain to my father in law why "there's no learning today???" He asks this with that same dumb ass look his son gave me the night prior in an effort to ease my pain.
This whole ordeal leads me to believe no matter WHAT I do..my THREE sons are going to inhereit ALL the qualities of thier father; the good...and the bad. Sweet!

I am just a gigantic hormonal volcano.
And ironically, the only thing I devote my time to these days (other than children, cooking and cleaning) is...wedding stuff??
What the hell is wrong with me?
I am even working on writing a poem after I said I wasn't doing a speech and completely upset my sister in law.
She gave one at my wedding so I guess that means I HAVE to give one at hers? Even though my husband is the best man and will say pretty much the exact same thing I would. So, I felt like I was being forced into it and what kind of a gift is that? I said no.
and then
2 days later..started writing a poem?
I am literally insane.
and i think I have ended many blogs with that same line.
which proves it!

(((banging head against wall)))

i am irrationally frustrated. Obviously I can do nothing about the lack of electrcity at my house. I cannot turn my paper in for school because it is saved on my computer at home, which has no power. My car hood practically flew up on me while driving down 77, during rush hour in Cleveland. Now, Im IN Cleveland with no way of fixing my hood, because I brought no money with me. I was 20+ minutes late to class, the same class I have no paper to turn in. I have a headache, Im tired, Im bitchy, Im pregnant..and..
I cannot fix any of the above mentioned issues and THAT is my main issue.
I should realize how lucky I am compared to those who live down south and have no house, but instead Im bitching about no power in my house.
Thankfully, my father in law..came through with a generator..so we plugged in our fridge for an hour to cool everything off. I estimated about $600 worth of food in my freezer and fridge. And then I had to hook up my fishtank for an hour so my dumb fish and frog don't die.
I have candles throughout the house, flashlights ready and Im anxiously waiting to find out wheather it will be on when i get home, or if it's really goin to be wed. or fri. ( I will go crazy)
Danny practically had a mental breakdown when he woke up to find "god still hadn't turned the power back on" and he still couldnt watch cartoons.
and..
did I mention im at school, with a completely unsafe transportation system to get home in??

on other notes...
the shower went...
ahh
well? I guess.
My sis looks like she was faking her happiness the whole time and..I know her well enough to know she was. not alot of people came. Infact, barely 15. She looked really dissapointed and on the verge of tears and I don't know what I could have done to help, but of course I felt responsible; as if I had failed somehow. less than 3 weeks till the wedding. We haven't paid Rent, we owe preschool 1st and last months pay, car payment..all this insane crap for the wedding, facials...hair,shoes,tux's...3 of them
i might blow up over here! lol....
But, I am looking forward to a reunion on Saturday..an old friend and her family :)
so, thats my good news..and Im trying really hard to concentrate on that!

ahhh sweet freedom

In the midst of wedding insanity.....
I was out late night with my dear friend on thurs. We had to plan some games and prizes for the wedding and becaue we work opposite schedules, ie: im a mom and she's not, we ended up at Walmart @ 9:30 at night planning things, which ended up being really fun. In fact, we had a blast doing...absolutely nothing. I was completely stress free while in a store, which hasnt been the case in years. I cannot remember the last time I was in a store without a child attached to one hip or on both. And usually, at least one is crying or whining. That probably would have been enough fun for me to call it a night, but she asked if I was interested at all in going up to Brubakers because some friends I havent seen in ages were there.
We did a surprise stop, which almost brought one friend to tears b/c it's been so long since we've seen eachother. And sitting outside at a bar, late...on a thursday night, while thier all enjoying an ice cold bud light and I engulf an oder of potato skins may not sound like fun. but. it was great.
I got home around 11, slept great and woke up feeling like a new woman. ( a little time out of the house does wonders)
If thats not enough:
eric calls yesterday while he was at work to say
"I got a babysitter and we're going to the indians game tonight...we got sweet free seats"
I was really hesitant.
#1-the shower is today and we're having a few people over afterwards to watch the osu game on the back porch.
#2-honestly, I was tired by my "going out" the night before
#3-I always feel guilty about asking for childcare because we rely on his parents for so much so that I can be successful in school.
But, we went anyway.
We went with all the crazy rain and the idea that there was NO WAY the game would even go on with all the weather issues, but we would try regaurdless.
By the time we got up there, the rain had cleared.
We got to our seats and I was floored, infact I think I said "we are not rich enough to sit here". We were exactly 5 rows back from homebase. The camera guy was right in front of me, along with the guys that measure the pitch speed. It was insane. The other and possibly even cooler thing: It NEVER rained. It was almost like God decided Eric and I needed a break and stopped the rain from entering jacob's field. the game was great, we won 12-2, there was sweet fireworks and afterwards got dinner at luigi's..and we havent been there in years.
The whole night in general was an amazing surprise and despite my hesitation, I was so glad I went.
I love my children. I love being a mom. I love family time. I even love doing nothing, just laying in bed with my kids.
but, man..I love a night away.
A night full of adult conversation, easy trips to the bathroom, eating whatever you want without being afriad of sugar content when sharing, no whining, no crying. Just me, the hubby and 2 of our friends enjoying the good ol American pastime and some sweet italian food.
Eric and I havent had a night away since I found out I was pregnant. So, it's been since May! It was much needed.
now, although it was great to get away and I was loving every second of it.
I'm pretty sure I thought of nothing but "Damn, Danny would love these seats, we should have brought them."
"I hope Zach went to bed easy"
"i wonder if Grandma gave them baths"
"jezzz...I really miss my kids."
lol
So, Im a mom. Sue me. :)
all in all, I've had an awesome 2 days and Im actually looking forward to the shower today??!?!? I know, see what a break does....I've turned back into..ME!!

totally AMAZING

I cannot believe what Zach just did. (who is only 17 months!)
I'm sitting here on the computer doing my normal daily rountine; drinking coffee and keeping in touch with the outside world. Zach runs over and grabs his crotch area and sort of whimpers and startes at me like he needs something, which he has been doing for a few weeks. So, I ask the normal questions "Do you need a diaper change?" He gives no response other than another whimper and the continued stare. So, I ask..."Did you poop?" At this point, he turns and walks down the hall. Normally, he meets me in his bedroom so I can change his diaper. I thought THIS level of communication was incredible for his age. I mean, the simple fact that he is already expressing needs of being changed just blows my mind because he is so young. Well, today..just a few moments ago, instead of going to his bedroom he stops in front of the bathroom..where the door is closed and point at the door and whimpers. I say,"you don't want to go in there..c'mon, let's change your diaper." He continues to point, very adamently. So, I say "what, you want to go potty?" But really...I am just kidding. He hits the door and screams pretty loudly as if to say..yeah..c'mon already. At this point, I'm thinking...yeah right...but I'll amuse myself, so I open the door. He runs in and goes straight to the potty and opens the freakin seat. NOw, Im kind of shocked...like how far are we really going to go here? I cannot believe he is even aware of what goes on in here. But, Im all for the possiblity. So, i slip off his diaper, throw his butt on the seat and..
HE PEED! Ok, not a lot..but..a little. I am completely stunned. Of course I make a huge deal about it to him, after I realize what a huge deal it really is. And then to top it off, after I lay him down and put his diaper back on...he get's up and wants to wash his hands?@?!?
WOAH! What is going on??? yesterday I had a teething 17 mo. old who woke up and is now potty training??
My mother and I were just talking yesterday about how early he comminicated bathroom needs..but, damn. This is almost insane.
I just cannot believe it. So,of course my first thought is..."Im breaking out the potty chair"
But, really? Or is this just a fluke? Should I roll with it or wait?? I mean, really..his only words so far are: "momma, dad, "D" (danny), hi and fish"...lol..I know, but he says fish. Other than that...nothing..so how will he commnicate that he has to pee?? or wait, he just did.
I dont know. I dont want to start him too early and delay it because he isn't ready.
I guess all I can do is bring up the chair and see what happens.
I wasnt planning on starting his training till at least 2...which isnt till march! And plus, we are planning on moving him from the crib to the bottom of a bunk bed, which he'll share with danny in a brand new room very soon...I really don't want to put too much on him
He does have another baby on the way..in less than 12 weeks.
insane.
just mindblowing madness.
wow.
I love my suppppper smart boys!

I am about sooooo done.

I was married 2 years ago on July 29th, 2006. It was a beautiful wedding, it was thoughtfully planned and perfectly executed. Looking back, I realize I would NEVER plan a wedding again and I also understand completely why people choose to elope.
I am currently the "matron of honor" for my sister in law who will be married in 4 weeks, on Oct. 4th (the day after my bday). This "honor" is tuning into only a headache and actually causing me to see all the downsides of my friend, she is turning into a self absorbed, demanding, ridiculous requesting nightmare. To be honest, I dread picking up the phone..and she calls me at least 5x a day.
Keep in mind, when I was planning my wedding. I did it 100% by myself. At the time, Eric and I were very young and the first couple out of all of our friends to get married. our bridal party..which was 10 ( 5 on each side) really didin't KNOW what thier responsiblities were and in fact, failed us. We still love them of course. In fact, I planned my own bach. party and bridal shower..my maid of honor, my best friend in the whole world..totally sucked at her position. I am over it obviously. And I didnt let any of it ruin my day.
While planning my wedding, I worked FULL time without a cut in hours and also was raising a 2 year old and Eric was going through a period of slowtimes at work and his paychecks were not great..at all. I did all thatby myself and never once interferred with anyone else's life or made my problems..theiers.
My dear,lovely sister in law is...screwing everyone. In fact, her bridesmaids are to the point where we roll out eyes and laugh. She has no idea how ridiculous she is being. She has taken 1 day off a week from work, to "work on wedding stuff" and has now requested that my mother in law, her mother help her on those days. THAT day happens to be the one day that I have always had my mother in law watch my kids, I have school on that day and also work on my online class and take my tests and now, I go to the dr. every 2 weeks for this preg. and we had planned on me making my appts on that same day so I am never forced to take 2 young children with me.
So, now I have no one to watch the kids for my appointments, I cannot take my tests online when I should, instead I have to do it while zach is naping and pray he stays asleep for an hour and video games will keep danny occupied while I take my timed tests.
NOt only that, but she calls me throughout the day to worry about things I Am suppsed to be in charge of, she worried about every freakin detail of the bach. party..but also wanted everything to be a damn surpise, tell me how that is possible.And now she calls to worry about the shower, and this and that.....leave me alone.
She also plans this random get togethers on sat. nights with the entire bridal party, that no one knows about until the last miunnute and if for some reason you can't come..you are now a piece of shit and have ruined her entire life.
She shows up everywhere stressed and pissed and huffing and puffing. Instead of devoting all of her free time to the wedding stuff (she she is always so stressed about "everything that needs done", her and her man go out to eat and watch tv all night..doing nothing. Oh, and the day she has stolen my childcare and support system..she brings her over there to tie some dumb bows on cards..while...get this:
she cleans her fucking house!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I have 2 children, pregant with another, have worked full time and I go to school full time and in my entire career as a mother,student, employee and wife..I have never had anyone come over and do my petty shit for me..while I clean
and then she had the audacity to tell me mother in law the bows"must be straight"
do it yourself,you lazy ass.
I am so sick of people expecting you do bend over backwards when they can't lift a finger for themselves.
oh god..get me through this without murdering.

offically a nerd

I have just recently decided what to write my term paper on...a drum roll is in order:
The History Of Portage Lakes.
Yeah, I know..nerdy as hell and yet...I am totally excited. I went to the library today which I might add, was a really nice break from my normal routine of being a mom. I was completely kid free and I ended up sitting in one of those uncomfortable chair things in the middle of the long row of books, with my glasses wishing I had a nice cup of starbucks to complete my wonderful moment.
Any way, the stuff I am finding is actually really interesting..because I live here and this place has a HUGE history and some kinda interesting unknown facts and I seriously cannot wait to jam pack them into one long ass paper to turn in and hopeully, get a decent grade on!!
Also, I know that I will be bitching about this topic choice later, wheather it be because it is to hard, im stressed or it's totally not interesting any more. lol
I had my 28 week check up at the ob today and did the gestational diabetes test and will probably fail. The thing said to eat, so I did and then my doc. says that usually makes you fail. Great, thanks for letting me know now. I failed the when I was preggers with danny and then passed with Zach and I really want to pass this time because the 3 hour test is not fun at all!
I am gaining a terrific amount of weight, at least 1 lb a week. scary...because I know I have to lose it later, but Im pretty much like. yeah. I dont care.
baby sounds great, moving CONSTANTLY and I cannot comment enough on how much this child kicks and flips. I really hope this is no inclination into his personality because I was really hoping for my 3rd laid back, super easy baby!
Other than that there is reallynothing going on. Danny is doing better at soccer, we're working on some.."key ideas" like..not wrestiling with the other boys in line and not cutting. his coccer skills, it's more like life skills we're adressing. I guess thats typical with a 4 yr. old.
Zach is cutting his last 3 teeth until he get's his 4 yr. molars and boy oh boy, he'll let you know. he spent all weekend attached to me and sleeping on me and now he has turned into Dr. Jerkell and Mr Hyde. He's still adorable though and I get a lot more snuggle time then Im normally allowed...so im digging it secretly.
Eric had placed an pplication for a job that I will probably get my hopes up for..because we have a reference who says it may happen..I really want it to, like alaways..but Im also becoming adjusted to rejection. So, I'll just silently wish.
All in well in the land of my life..
the wedding is now 4 weeks away....I really need to get some extra cash, but the boys will look lovely..and I cant wait for pics!
ta-ta

so be it.

You could say I am now a SAHM( stay at home mom). It has recently hit me..like JUST this moment that I no longer have work to attend to, other than the duties of the walls I reside in. And man, that feels good.
Being at home is something different. You become a better mother (I can say this because I have done the working thing and the sahm thing and personally..this is how I feel). You are either WAY more patient or completely unpatient because you never get out. You make amazing meals, which you hope your husband enjoys because you know the kids would prefer PB&J. Your house seems cleaner, laundry is caught up, dishes barely lie in the sink and the days ticks by at snail speed, but when it's over you realize you didn't get half the crap done that you intended to.
So I am adjusting to all that again. And also loving being back in school and enjoying the challenge of it. Possibly, this doesnt make me a candidate of a "sahm" but I feel like I deserve the title of both.
I am sure this semester is going to prove it's self very demanding. My chemistry class is slightly overwhelming and I have a feeling my really cool english teacher is a really hard grader. They are never as perfect as they seem. And unfortunately, I have all male teachers which totally doesnt help my situation as a pregnant student who is due BEFORE the end of the semester..or maybe it does? It might be better than the old, bitter woman who never found a man to marry and never had the gift of children.
i did speak to all my professors and they seem to think it will not be a problem and they would totally work with me. One even saying, "i've had worse cases" to which I replied, "I hope so, I don't consider myself a "case". Just like those people who think pregnancy is a disease or a condition..no, jackass..it's creation of life.
Aside from all that, letter writing went much better than anticipated. In fact, the letter I recieved was very honest and insightful. I don't think myhusband has ever said anything like that. I learned many things and although some were upseting, at least he finally admitted some of the things I accused him of. Marriage ( a good one) takes so much work. i can understand how people can just give up, but...somehow I cant. With all the work, comes all the joy. The down time equals 10x the good times and I wouldn't trade my marriage in for anything.
I also think being poor and having children way to early is a great start to a marriage. As funny as it seems,I think..."well, if we can make it through these years and still love eachother..what can we tackle together?"
aint that the truth?

in words

Today I wrote my husband a letter. Thats right, he slept in the room next to me and I sat at that damn dining room table, a million words apart and I wrote a letter as if he were an english paper assignment or even a love affair from 7th grade. I left it there, sitting next to my empty coffe cup and realized...if this doesn't help, what else is there to do?
I am frustrated constantly, tired and sick of the same damn thing over and over. I fill I am the only one in this family who truly wants to work on it and sometimes I feel like my kids and I are just a burden to the life he could have.
I yell, cry, scream, explain..nothing helps.
So, there I sit at the table at 8:00 in the morning, writing a damn letter.
and now, hours later..he writes me back. And really, I wasn't looking for a response..I just want to be heard.
I think what happens over time is you quit listening to eachother, I know I am guilty of this myself. I am more concerned with what I will say next or what my rebutle is..that I barely hear the words that leave his mouth. And that is a mistake many people make and I am no one special or perfect by any means.
I wonder constantly if I am just pregnant and hormonal or if my complains are valid. The hardest part is I feel I have no one that can relate to my situation and someone I trust enough to just tell me striaght up if ...I am wrong. It IS possible I am being irrational, demanding and ridiculous..and I fear I may be turning into one of those women I hate who burst into tears for no reason and nag thier husbands to death.
Yet, I cannot deny the dumb-ass feelings that pull my heart and sanity on strings as if I were a chaotic melody in a symphony gone wrong.
I have these beautiful children who breathe my own joy through thier lungs..and still that isn't enough.
Must I insist on a perfect marriage as well?
Am I wrong to need happiness and harmony? Or is it just the norm in today's society to live un-happy, next to eachother in bed, wondering what your life could have been like...if...if.
But, I don't want that.
I am insane. I swear I am.
And my dear husband suffers the consequences.

My Husbands Tears

I realize now that in all my 24 years of life, I have never TRULY felt for someone the way I felt for my dear Husband on Sunday when we recieved news that his Uncle had commited suicide the day prior.
Not only did I feel his grief, but it was I who was placed in the position to tell his sister, my dear friend Angie that her uncle had passed. And I tried so hard to protect her and get her home safely so she could hear it from her father's mouth. But, unfortunately I got the phone call at 9 in the morning, as I slept in the hotel ...because the night before was spent celebrating Angie's bachlorette party. And as I sit up in bed and it hits me that I now bear the burden of delivering the most devestating news to a young women who I love dearly, my heart breaks and I now understand how hard it is to watch others grieve.
My husband has lead a life free from grief, death and dying. He has been lucky to have only lost 1 person close to him before this tragedy. And that person was his grandfather, who had a long, slow death and much time to prepare. But, he hadn't yet dealt with a death which blindsides and cuts through you like a knife. This is the first time he holds "what if" questions. this is the first time he is in shock and then he's angry and then I catch him crying silently, when he thinks no one can see. And I even see how brave and strong he feels he must be for his sister and his mother. I watch his body gestures change and I swear he already knows this his existence is much more important now as the men on his maternal side of the family silently fall to thier death. I watch him kiss his 2 young boys with a much bigger heart, a heart that can deeply love now thanks to the sadness it has felt.
And how awful a feeling that resides in my soul. How much a part of me he is, how his afflictions become my own and hurt as if the man who passed has a history with me personally, and not just my husband. And for the first time, I can see my future in a new light, a different light. Not only do I see the joys of Motherhood, but the hardships. I'm looking ahead at my young boys and the life I carry in my own body and I think...how willI handle thier heartbreaks?? Will not each one tear me apart beyond repair? Am I sentenced to a life of other's suffering becoming my own? No one explained this to me about being a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend. I have learned a great deal in the past few days and my husband and I are even more a part of eachother, we have grown from despair.And now he understands why i kiss my children late at night, while no one is watching, with tears that slide down my cheek, thinking not only of my love for them, but of the sadness my heavy heart feels..because my father never kissed them goodnight.
The small baby in my belly becomes so much more than my third son. I now see why it has happened..and for the first time, his being will make sense to me, with his own special meaning to life..his middle name carrying a history I cannot explain until he is old, and a history he will not fully appreciate until he has his own children.
And through all this, Eric's Grandmother..her poor soul. So young and vibrant and strong. She reminded Eric on the phone that it was his time to go, he suffered and he needed peace. She tells my husband; who is holding back his tears with so much strength that they pour through me instead...she tells him "don't you dare lose your memories of him, memories that only you share, so many good ones..you hold on to them and kiss your boys with them."
and I think "yes, that is the best thing I have heard in days" Yet, my heart breaks for her..because burying your child must be the single most tragic thing a parent must do and I can only pray I outlive all my children and they go own without me happily remembering all the times we shared on this earth in the small, sacred time we are given.

plans for...nothing.

I am a matron of honor.
It sounds prestigious and I am sure many women imagine themselves as maid of honor/matron of honor and think....."what an honor" it would be.
It is NOT an honor. It is a whole bunch of work, stress and irritation. And after planning my own wedding without any help from anyone, helping someone else plan thiers is nerve-wracking and un-ending.
ON that note, this weekend is the fabulous bachlorette party. And let me say:
Planning a bachlorette party while pregnant is like planning a feast for a dieter. We can attend and watch, but really not partake in any real amount of fun, or anything that causes joy.
In fact, I am calling myself "the cooler" because I figure my job will end up being stomping out any drunk drama before it interferes with the bride and making sure everyone is being safe and responsible...somewhat.
Ok, so bascially I get the chance to play "mom"
Which I do for a living everyday of my life, and I am really not looking forward to doing it for adults..especially drunk ones who want to be pretend like they have no morals for the night and the next day feel guilty for everything they have done.
Not to mention..
I swear I was NEVER as self-absorbed as my dear Sister-in-law/bride to be.
She is insane...seriously, about to crack and not a single word leaves her lips unless it somehow relates to her wedding, her wishes, her big day.
She is turning into a bridezilla...quickly, very quickly.
Another thing to mention is how ridiculous it is that a pregnant women must spend a shit load on a limo AND a hotel, which neither serve any purpose to me considering I cannot drink andwould rather drive home and sleep in my own bed.
Actually, I would rather skip the whole damn thing, stay home and take care of my babies and work on growing the one in my belly.
Danny also has his first soccer game this sat. (now, THAT I am excited about!)
Zach is adorably awesome today, giving affection all night long and without any shyness..
I love my children and they have taught me to be patient and wholesome..and put up with all this dumb side stuff (like bach. parties and crazy brides)
My belly is getting big and my vericose veins even bigger..THAT I don't love.
I am going to go read some of my new book about some poor family of 12 in Ireland in the 1920's..
If that doesnt make me appreciate my life, nothing will.
Actually, I just enjoy that sappy shit...Im a loser, I know.