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Thursday, July 31, 2008

yes, it's my third...is that a problem?

I am totally sick with the constant remarks people make. I usually don't let this type of thing get to me, but lately it is so continuous..I cannot help it.
"Oh, when are you due?" The women ask, so sweet and sincere. And I surely reply
"November 30th."
"Your first?" they ask..which is supposed to be a question, but always comes up as more of a statement. They look me up and down and assume .... how could it NOT be my first.
"No, actually..my third." I say...loud, proud and delivered with a smile.
The baffled look of surprise steals all control of thier face and they now appear almost digusted. All joy is gone, including the intent to hold a conversation where I excitedly learn all they have to offer about child-rearing, labor and breastfeeding. Instead I get...
"You don't look old enough to have 3 children."
No, you evil, assuming, contempuous waste of oxygen....I'm probably not!
I am not your average mother of 3.
I don't own a split-level home on a culdesac.
I don't drive a gas-hogging SUV with "my kid.." bumper stickers plastered on the ass.
I don't get pedicures, manicures or even my hair trimmed more than once a year.
I am not 35 years old, with a 9-5 job, a husband who wears a suit and a mother in law who tries to control my life.

But, they do make movies and shows all about those women..
they end up cheating on thier husbands and going f'n crazy.

Are these the things that make a good parent?

Yes, I am young. I'm really young for 3 kids. Infact, I'm still a "college student". I graduated highschool less than 7 years ago. I have only had my drivers license for 8 years and guess what else..
it wasn't until last year that I decided what I wanted to be when I grow up.
I am disgusted with the idea that the idea of a perfect parent must be decided on age first.
Why not ask..
"Do you love your children?"
"Are you teaching them integrity, honesty and values?"
"Will they learn what hard work is all about?"
"What are your plans for the future?"
THOSE are questions I can relate to. Those are questions which I hold answers to. And those questions are more relevent to parenting..not age.

The ball buster is...and this is what I really want to scream at them..


Do you know how nice it is to still have the energy to chase after my children day after day without needing rest, to attend school and earn A's, to run my ass of at work..making the rich richer..without any ill feelings about my current pay rate. To be pregnant happily and healthy, sharing it with friends and family. And also to be the example which friends want to live up to.

And I doubt in 10 years...I could tackle all that.
Not only that, but I may live to see my great-great-grandchildren.
I say...
start early, start young..before the "idea" of what parenting should be gets into your head. Start without a plan and learn as you go. Start based on love, instead of money, pressure to fit in or simply convienence.

ANY mother can be....a beloved "mom."

despite age, apperance or background.
It is a choice and a lifestyle.
Don't they wish they were so damn lucky?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

friends and babies

I am genuinely happy today. It could be today is Eric and my 2 yr. anniversary. I should say 6 years, since that's how long we have been mtogether and I feel every year should be celebrated. But, technically..2 years of marriage. 6 years and 2 beautiful children and another on the way. It really seems impossible that I have managed to have a relationship so healthy and prosperous consiering my past..but I guess that's what the past is for..to make you appreciate what you have and the ability to know what you don't want.
Other than that, I think my student loan money is on it's way in the mail and that freakin rocks! Not only does this mean we can catch up on bills, but alsothe baholorette party I am throwing in 2 weeks will set us behind again. And hopefully it's enough to get us through the wedding too..since our whole family is in it...I can only imagine the expenses there.
We had the ultrasound last week and it was confirmed as a baby boy. Of Course! I knew it was all along anyway, as soon as I found out I was prego. again. We decided on Andrew William as the name.
One of my dear friends called me on Saturday while we were camping to tell me her great news..she is also expecting. And I should be estatic because she has always wanted another baby and she is a great women and mother..it is bitter-sweet because she truly is the story of the best friend who has the worst bf in history. This sperm donor has no job, no car, a serious attitude adjustment, disrespectful and all in all..a complete loser. Of course I haven't told her this is how I feel (this is how EVERYONE feels). But, I almost want to. It's one of those situations where you don't know where to draw the line on honesty. To tell or not to? Because at this honeymoon stage..she will deny me as a friend, not him. And I cannot bear that, especially when I am only looking out for her. But, she should find out on her own..and she will..eventually. But, now that she is carrying his baby I fear she will put up with anything because in her mind..he is the answer to all her questions as a already single mother..and another baby on the way.
Aside from that..these kids are insane. Zach doesn't listen for a damn, Danny is Mr. Attitude and I think I might lose my mind sometimes..but in a good way.
Oh well..going swimming today and celebrating love with the hubby.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

let's see that baby

Today is ultrasound day! And even though we are already 95% sure it's a boy...it's still exciting! Eric managed to get off work for it, which makes me happy because I thought I might have to go alone and...there is just something depressing about that. I have done it 2 times before, but I still think Eric should be there. This time is just as important as the others.
We have been gong back and forth all week about weather or not we're going camping this weekend and I am truly torn. At first I put my foot down and said we weren't going b/c we don't have the extra money, we're already behind and we have a bachlor/ette party to throw in 3 weeks and then a wedding shower and then a wedding; which our entire family is in..so..money is tighter than normal. Eric had a point when he said, "money is always tight and this would be the last time we go before the baby goes and the kids will have so much fun. Plus, we'll just sit around all weekend, wishing we were there."
And, he's right. I'm doing dishes today thinking about how much I want to go and get away for the weekend and how much fun the kids have and how..we never have money and it hasnt ever stopped us before. I hate not living the life I want to because of what will happen next month..how bad could it really get? it's already bad.
I think I might just go. Even though I preggers and I can't get the total experience of the fest, the kids deserve it and Eric does too. And anything else that would be fun and would keep our minds off of it.would cost money too.
Plus, I cannot bear the thought of another weekend sitting here with my freakin drunk ass in laws. I need a beak. I just wonder how much stuyding I'll actually do, consdiering my finals are next week.
it pisses me off, actually..I'm dissapointed in myself that I cannot get all a's this semester and keep my 4.0. But, I should remind myself that a "b" is good and I am a mother of 2 who works and is preg...soo..quit being so hard on myself.As long as I pass...and get into the damn program..I really dont care. lol. I should, but in a way..I dont.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

today starts the begining of.....

my blogging experience.
A friend from way back when, myspace and a fellow mother moved her blogging to this site and I thought...that might just be a good idea. Truth is, I am NOT all that honest on myspace b/c I made the mistake of becoming friends with everyone, even family and it really leaves no room for honesty. And I guess I just can't write something if I KNOW that person will read it and everyone else.
So, here I am...and I will try not make this a bitch fest, but now that I am aware of the possibility of privacy..I may bitch, but just a little (or a lot). and it's still online, so really..if someone wanted to read it..they could.
Today of all days, there is nothing to talk about. Eric is away working a side job for some extra money. The kids are running around wild (per usual) and I am getting in the few moments of my own time that I have-being online and pretendng I have something important to do on here. But, this week was quite chaotic...i should clarify:
on Monday, my BFF went into labor and had an emergency c-section, then underwent a 6 hr repair surgery to re-attach her uterus to her cervix, cut the blood supply off to her left overy, whcih is now floating and we're crossing our fingers that she won't need a hysterectomy. She isn't allowed to have children for 2 years, if she sufferes any abdominal blows in the next 2 years..she will bleed out. She is still in the hospital, after suffering a horrible infection, needing 3 blood transfusions and then having her entire digestive system fail and needing a tube feed. The baby was healthy and beautiful and lookedlike her momma. All of that and of course, the father is unknown..so she went through it alone and with strength and a sense of humor I didn't know she had.But, I truly believe that having children turns us into the woman we were meant to be.
Tuesday I was exhausted and desperately tried to catch up on homewrork and housework. Wed. I went to work in the morning and had the afternoon off and also an afternoon before school without children. When I got home and looked in the mirror,I realized my vericose veins on my left leg were getting worse, more painful and I thought I would call my office to makie sure I could go till next week to have the doctor look at them. The nurse freaks me out, tells me to pack a bag, I need an ultrasound, it may be a bloo clot, no walk, have someone drive me. Eric reluctatnyl picks me up..because now I am pissed because once again I am missing class to spend the night in the hospital when I KNOW it's nothing. Of course it wasn't, it took almost 4 hours to figure out it was nothing. I missed BOTH classes (although this time...I had an excuse) and I was sent home with an rx for support hose: thanks! :) Pregnancy turns everything into such an ordeal..Im sure some women love it..I hate the nonsense.
Thursday was the hottest day of the week and also our trip to cedarpoint-Danny's first time to an amusement park! Holy hell! it was a horrible 90 degrees with no breeze. Eric and our friend Joe did their roller coaster thing and now that I was preggers...I was banned from anything that caused a slight breeze or gave even a mist of cool water to cool down. i was confined to kiddy kingdom and planet snoopy with my mom and sister at my side. But, eventually..thet left me. Alone with Zach in the stroller and pulling Danny behind me, out of water and feeling like I might pass out..but plastering a smile on my face while Danny whined and yelled his frustrations out about not being tall enough to ride with his dad and joe on the h2o rides. it ended with a frantic call to eric for help..I needed someone to help me get to the other end of the park in 4 mintues to make it to an air conditioned show indoors..I made it, sat way up high, by myself with the kids again..but loved the AC. Zach threw a fit the majority of the time and the ppl sitting ahead of us kept snickering..but there was no way I was leaving. I mentioned that we might have to leave early to danny and then he freaked out..so I decided the ppl in front of my could kiss my ass..if they can't understand the trials of a pregnant mother of 2 alone in an amusement park then they deserve to hear some whining behind them..it builds character!
Yesterday was also insane, re-couping from the entire week...finding out my sis-in law's doctor's entire family was in a horrible car accident, they lost the baby and the mother is not doing well or one of the other children. I also tried to catch up on bills..that was a lost cause..never enough coming in..and always too much to pay. I ended up stuffing them away in the drawer and not letting it ruin my weekend. And so far..ignorance is paying off.
So here I am. The reprocussions of missing so much class is weighing on me..Lack of sleep and the stress of my dear friend in the hospital is killing me. Plus, Im also in the midst of planning a bachelorette party which is only 3 weeks away, one bridesmaid never returns phone calls and the other is going through some horrile family losses..so..send in Sarah..Super Sarah who tackles it all...lol.
Stay tuned..finals are in 2 weeks, Eric is leaving for a camping trip and I must be the best damn matron of honor you have ever seen.
I have laundry, dishes and children to tend to!