Monday, February 16, 2009

catch 22

I am feeling a bit stuck in the mud right now, unable to move forward.
Eric is definately decided to go to school, although he changed his mind on the accounting thing and is now looking into the medical field, into a "condensed soup" college..well, that's what I call them. Where, they basically get the normal 2 1/2 year crap done in 18 mo. Which does sound appealing considering our situation..but, then again, I have done the whole college thing with 3 kids and even when I went part-time, it was challenging. And I will admit on here, I am much more of a "go-getter" than my husband. This might be because I am female and he is male.
Either way, until we figure out exactly what HIS schedule his, I cannot move forward with job oppourtunitues. Well, honestly..there is only one. My old job, of course. I must be going for a record on leaving and coming back, lol. It will be my third time going back to that damn place. Dont get me wrong-I love my job there. It's just every time I decide to go back to work, I want to try something new and instead I always end up back there, the same place I did my externship, the place I learned everything I know about dentistry, the place I am "comfortable", relied upon, respected and feel comfortable with the doctors I work with. It's not a bad thing going back, it just adds to the feeling of being "stuck," because, every time I leave it is for some noble reason, "I am going back to school full time and never coming back"- I came back 4 months later. "I am having my second baby and going to school full time and never coming back"-I cme back 6 months later. And finally-"I am going to finish up this semester, have my third baby and go to school full time and ....I will probably come back"-That was 6 months ago. LOL..
At least I learned not to say I wasn't coming back.
But, they want me NOW and I cannot agree to come back until I know what Eric is doing. We have an appointment for some school thing on wed. But, the only way this will work is if I work during the day and he goes to school at night.
I don't see how this will work. Eric said before that he doubts he can handle 5 days a week with the kids all by himself. I dont know if he can handle it either. He is an amazing father, without a doubt. But, a stay at home father, while the wifey is bringing home the bacon? I don't know of he can handle all that. I think he might lose his feelings of "manhood" and we know important that is.
At the same time, I feel like.."look idiot, suck it up. I am educated and can get a job TOMMOROW. You are a construction laborer...there are no jobs and won't be any jobs for years, so..this is why you must be here and I must be there."
But, to leave all the boys..5 days a week? I don't know if I can handle it. I love being home with them, I complaing about needing my time out of the house,but thats becuase it's winter and Im stuck in this cramped up house all damn day long.
I would never NOT have had my children when I did, but I would have somehow managed to finish school and make sure my husband and I had stable jobs before getting pregnant, that would make all the difference.

ehhh, screw it..this is WAY more exciting.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Heart Day

Dear Husband,
Do not mention bringing home an adorable puppy for Valentines day when you know full well you will not follow through with the idea and you know how desperately I ache for a damn dog to complete our happy family. I love you dearly despite your idiocy. Happy Heart Day!
Love, your Wife.

Dear Self,
Do not indulge in the idea of getting a puppy when you honestly know you cannot handle a puppy and raising three boys. Do not try to convince yourself it is a good time to take on another financial repsonsiblity when your family has no income. And be aware that you will beg and plead for an adorable little fluff ball, but once you actually have it, you will bitch non-stop about the effort it takes to care for the little thing. Happy Heart Day-appreciate what you have!
Love, The better half of your brain.

Dear Sis In-Law,
Do not continue to pretend that your buying my ticket to this upcoming concert is a "gift," when we all know you are merely using me as a means of transportation to and from the event. A gift is something you give to someone who actually wants to receive it. Happy Heart Day-you should take this time to look up the world "selfish" in the dictionary.
Love, The one who will still show up with a smile on her face.

Dear Mother,
Do no tell me you won't be upset if I give you an honest answer and then immediately after, hang up on me. Happy Heart Day-I am sorry you have pushed every loving person out of your life and you have to spend the day in solitary.
Love, Me-for not making the same mistakes you have.

Dear PJ's,
Do not look down on me for my inability to change out of you today and for the fact that I havent even bothered to shower. Happy Heart Day-I love you.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

oddly happy

This week and last have been spent jumping from one possible career/education idea to the next. Eric and I keep deciding on paths, falling in love with the idea and then it falls through..thanks to the horrible economy, the lack of money and the area we live in.
So, today..Eric says
"Fuck it, the econmoy isn't getting any better in the next few years, I work in the damn construction business, which is the worst place to be and I want out. I am going back to school. Why the hell not?"
And of course I jumped on board, because I had this same revelation about 2 years ago when i realized I could not be someones "assistant" the rest of my life and working towards a 15/hr job for the next 10 years of my life wasn't the best choice when I could go to school for 2 years and make double that.
And I don't really care WHAT he does, as long as he does something and I have always valued a college education, especially for him because he will be a first generation college student, which is big damn deal.
He is leaning towards accounting, numbers and that crap and I promised I would write his papers for him, because I actually enjoy that shit.
I feel pretty good about this. I think I might have more faith in him than he has in himself, but thats's what us wives are for, right?
So, now he is looking for a part time night job, cooking..since has done it before, it's easy and the hours are right..he'll probably end up at good ole' Applebee's since I worked there and know the entire staff. And I am now looking for a full time day job and when I start back up at school, I'll go back down to part time. How this will work with 3 kids, I have no clue. But, We have to do something and I refuse to sit around and hope it gets better like every other person who was laid off this winter. It won't get better, not overnight. Barack is the MAN, but not a miracle worker.
On a really perky note...we payed off ALL of our credit card debt today, (honestly..we really didn't have THAT much) and it feels GREAT to be completely debt free, except for the van...
but damn, it's sweet to be able to answer my phone again without fearing a debt collector.
I don't owe anyone a damn penny.
and THAT is enough to keep me smiling for the next few weeks.
we have a dinner date on Friday!!! It will be our first dinner date for V-day in our entire relationship!! I was 9 mo. pregnant with Danny our first v-day day and every one siince then we have spent at home with kids, but thanks to taxes...this weekend we are hitting the town!

as always...
life in the Smith house is oddly enough...happy.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

If you want to make me angry...

I am a very calm person. I hardly ever over-react and I believe it takes quite a bit to actually get under my skin, unless your my..ahem, husband.
But, someone elese has managed to really irritate me.
I had an interview last friday for a job.
I was told on the phone that over 80 people applied for this job and at that point, I knew I had to get my shit together and impress whoever this interviewer was. Unfortunately, it was a female. I think men are so much easier to impress, lol. As soon as I knew it was a woman, I realized I would be judged on my clothing and apperance rather than my personality and work experience.
she was young and of course, beautiful, and her left ring finger held the biggest damn diamond I have seen out of a magazine and I normally don't even notice jewlery, because..honestly, I'm not impressed by gems, but this thing was..pretty damn impressive.
She gives me this all-knowing smile and walks me back to her office. I wasn't nervous at all, I have had over 15 interivews in my life and canot once remember getting nervous. Instead of the normal "tell me about yourself" crap, she says:
"you're going to think Im crazy, but I know you."
and at this point, I'm like"oh, shit.." my mind starts wandering and I am starting to feel a little panicky.
So, she goes on to tell me she knows me from 5th grade, apparently we went to school together for one year. It was the year after my mother left her second husband and she decided to move into this A-frame house in the middle of a damn campground, in the middle of nowwhere, ohio wasn't one of my best years. It was filled with the effects of my mother's mid-life crisis seeping through into my pre-teenage years, while I attempted to be "the new kid in school". I couldn't begin to imagine what this girl knows of me.
But, it ended up going really well. She also knew a few friends of mine in the dental field, and we had a few things in common, like the fact that I use to work at the same office as her finance'. Well, she's engaged to a dentist and I am married to an unemployed, beer-guzziling, baby factory. But, still...we had a few things in common.
During the interview she basically talks about the position like I already have it and Im thinking, sweet..done deal, it's in the bag. And then forty mintues of complete bullshit talking later, she says, "I have a few more interviews, I'll call you on wed."
I have never not gotten the job right then and there. What went wrong? I try not to freak out and I patiently wait untill wed. But, wed.comes and goes and still no call.
This is so weird, I think. She must be buzy, I tell yself and then I spend my time imagining her attempting to call and offer me the job, but she's just so busy, she can't. She'll call on thursday, I tell myself.
But, by 3:00 on thurs. I haven't heard anything, so I call. I figure, it will look like inititive, right? Her sweet, little secratary tells me she is on the other line and will call back. I wait. I wait. I wait.
No call on thursday.
I decide she must not feel well, had to leave early and feels horrible for the way she is just letting me sit here, waiting. And I am actually starting to feel bad for her, because..I could decide to take another offer at any time, except..there IS no other offer.
Friday turns into the longest, slowest day possible where I find myself full of anxiety and self-doubt.
I'm calling again.
And this time I don't care if she thinks Im desperate, I need to know what the deal is.
I was told she would call me back and of course,
that still hasn't happened.

Friday night around dinner time, the acceptance flooded my body and I realized not only did I not get the job, but this young, immature bitch cannot handle telling me I didn't get it, simply because..we somehow know eachother.
Look, wrench..if you cannot handle this small part of your meaningless little office manager position, you should step down.
Who takes these things personal? NOt me! Possibly she doesn't know that, but it shouldn't matter. It is a respect matter. If you say you are going to do something, you do it. This isn't a phone call situation between friends, where one forgot to call. NO! THis is my life on the line and my career plans and the possible income for my family of 5, who has no income.
And you know what?
I squeezed my fat-ass in those damn size 5 pants for that meeting and then sat there sucking my belly in until I thought I would pass out once you admitted you somehow knew me.
and you aren't going to give me the job?

I don' t even want the damn job. I can find something better. Screw it.
Thanks for playing.

Damn, I'm bitter.