Monday, February 16, 2009

catch 22

I am feeling a bit stuck in the mud right now, unable to move forward.
Eric is definately decided to go to school, although he changed his mind on the accounting thing and is now looking into the medical field, into a "condensed soup" college..well, that's what I call them. Where, they basically get the normal 2 1/2 year crap done in 18 mo. Which does sound appealing considering our situation..but, then again, I have done the whole college thing with 3 kids and even when I went part-time, it was challenging. And I will admit on here, I am much more of a "go-getter" than my husband. This might be because I am female and he is male.
Either way, until we figure out exactly what HIS schedule his, I cannot move forward with job oppourtunitues. Well, honestly..there is only one. My old job, of course. I must be going for a record on leaving and coming back, lol. It will be my third time going back to that damn place. Dont get me wrong-I love my job there. It's just every time I decide to go back to work, I want to try something new and instead I always end up back there, the same place I did my externship, the place I learned everything I know about dentistry, the place I am "comfortable", relied upon, respected and feel comfortable with the doctors I work with. It's not a bad thing going back, it just adds to the feeling of being "stuck," because, every time I leave it is for some noble reason, "I am going back to school full time and never coming back"- I came back 4 months later. "I am having my second baby and going to school full time and never coming back"-I cme back 6 months later. And finally-"I am going to finish up this semester, have my third baby and go to school full time and ....I will probably come back"-That was 6 months ago. LOL..
At least I learned not to say I wasn't coming back.
But, they want me NOW and I cannot agree to come back until I know what Eric is doing. We have an appointment for some school thing on wed. But, the only way this will work is if I work during the day and he goes to school at night.
I don't see how this will work. Eric said before that he doubts he can handle 5 days a week with the kids all by himself. I dont know if he can handle it either. He is an amazing father, without a doubt. But, a stay at home father, while the wifey is bringing home the bacon? I don't know of he can handle all that. I think he might lose his feelings of "manhood" and we know important that is.
At the same time, I feel like.."look idiot, suck it up. I am educated and can get a job TOMMOROW. You are a construction laborer...there are no jobs and won't be any jobs for years, so..this is why you must be here and I must be there."
But, to leave all the boys..5 days a week? I don't know if I can handle it. I love being home with them, I complaing about needing my time out of the house,but thats becuase it's winter and Im stuck in this cramped up house all damn day long.
I would never NOT have had my children when I did, but I would have somehow managed to finish school and make sure my husband and I had stable jobs before getting pregnant, that would make all the difference.

ehhh, screw it..this is WAY more exciting.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Heart Day

Dear Husband,
Do not mention bringing home an adorable puppy for Valentines day when you know full well you will not follow through with the idea and you know how desperately I ache for a damn dog to complete our happy family. I love you dearly despite your idiocy. Happy Heart Day!
Love, your Wife.

Dear Self,
Do not indulge in the idea of getting a puppy when you honestly know you cannot handle a puppy and raising three boys. Do not try to convince yourself it is a good time to take on another financial repsonsiblity when your family has no income. And be aware that you will beg and plead for an adorable little fluff ball, but once you actually have it, you will bitch non-stop about the effort it takes to care for the little thing. Happy Heart Day-appreciate what you have!
Love, The better half of your brain.

Dear Sis In-Law,
Do not continue to pretend that your buying my ticket to this upcoming concert is a "gift," when we all know you are merely using me as a means of transportation to and from the event. A gift is something you give to someone who actually wants to receive it. Happy Heart Day-you should take this time to look up the world "selfish" in the dictionary.
Love, The one who will still show up with a smile on her face.

Dear Mother,
Do no tell me you won't be upset if I give you an honest answer and then immediately after, hang up on me. Happy Heart Day-I am sorry you have pushed every loving person out of your life and you have to spend the day in solitary.
Love, Me-for not making the same mistakes you have.

Dear PJ's,
Do not look down on me for my inability to change out of you today and for the fact that I havent even bothered to shower. Happy Heart Day-I love you.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

oddly happy

This week and last have been spent jumping from one possible career/education idea to the next. Eric and I keep deciding on paths, falling in love with the idea and then it falls through..thanks to the horrible economy, the lack of money and the area we live in.
So, today..Eric says
"Fuck it, the econmoy isn't getting any better in the next few years, I work in the damn construction business, which is the worst place to be and I want out. I am going back to school. Why the hell not?"
And of course I jumped on board, because I had this same revelation about 2 years ago when i realized I could not be someones "assistant" the rest of my life and working towards a 15/hr job for the next 10 years of my life wasn't the best choice when I could go to school for 2 years and make double that.
And I don't really care WHAT he does, as long as he does something and I have always valued a college education, especially for him because he will be a first generation college student, which is big damn deal.
He is leaning towards accounting, numbers and that crap and I promised I would write his papers for him, because I actually enjoy that shit.
I feel pretty good about this. I think I might have more faith in him than he has in himself, but thats's what us wives are for, right?
So, now he is looking for a part time night job, cooking..since has done it before, it's easy and the hours are right..he'll probably end up at good ole' Applebee's since I worked there and know the entire staff. And I am now looking for a full time day job and when I start back up at school, I'll go back down to part time. How this will work with 3 kids, I have no clue. But, We have to do something and I refuse to sit around and hope it gets better like every other person who was laid off this winter. It won't get better, not overnight. Barack is the MAN, but not a miracle worker.
On a really perky note...we payed off ALL of our credit card debt today, (honestly..we really didn't have THAT much) and it feels GREAT to be completely debt free, except for the van...
but damn, it's sweet to be able to answer my phone again without fearing a debt collector.
I don't owe anyone a damn penny.
and THAT is enough to keep me smiling for the next few weeks.
we have a dinner date on Friday!!! It will be our first dinner date for V-day in our entire relationship!! I was 9 mo. pregnant with Danny our first v-day day and every one siince then we have spent at home with kids, but thanks to taxes...this weekend we are hitting the town!

as always...
life in the Smith house is oddly enough...happy.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

If you want to make me angry...

I am a very calm person. I hardly ever over-react and I believe it takes quite a bit to actually get under my skin, unless your my..ahem, husband.
But, someone elese has managed to really irritate me.
I had an interview last friday for a job.
I was told on the phone that over 80 people applied for this job and at that point, I knew I had to get my shit together and impress whoever this interviewer was. Unfortunately, it was a female. I think men are so much easier to impress, lol. As soon as I knew it was a woman, I realized I would be judged on my clothing and apperance rather than my personality and work experience.
she was young and of course, beautiful, and her left ring finger held the biggest damn diamond I have seen out of a magazine and I normally don't even notice jewlery, because..honestly, I'm not impressed by gems, but this thing was..pretty damn impressive.
She gives me this all-knowing smile and walks me back to her office. I wasn't nervous at all, I have had over 15 interivews in my life and canot once remember getting nervous. Instead of the normal "tell me about yourself" crap, she says:
"you're going to think Im crazy, but I know you."
and at this point, I'm like"oh, shit.." my mind starts wandering and I am starting to feel a little panicky.
So, she goes on to tell me she knows me from 5th grade, apparently we went to school together for one year. It was the year after my mother left her second husband and she decided to move into this A-frame house in the middle of a damn campground, in the middle of nowwhere, ohio wasn't one of my best years. It was filled with the effects of my mother's mid-life crisis seeping through into my pre-teenage years, while I attempted to be "the new kid in school". I couldn't begin to imagine what this girl knows of me.
But, it ended up going really well. She also knew a few friends of mine in the dental field, and we had a few things in common, like the fact that I use to work at the same office as her finance'. Well, she's engaged to a dentist and I am married to an unemployed, beer-guzziling, baby factory. But, still...we had a few things in common.
During the interview she basically talks about the position like I already have it and Im thinking, sweet..done deal, it's in the bag. And then forty mintues of complete bullshit talking later, she says, "I have a few more interviews, I'll call you on wed."
I have never not gotten the job right then and there. What went wrong? I try not to freak out and I patiently wait untill wed. But, wed.comes and goes and still no call.
This is so weird, I think. She must be buzy, I tell yself and then I spend my time imagining her attempting to call and offer me the job, but she's just so busy, she can't. She'll call on thursday, I tell myself.
But, by 3:00 on thurs. I haven't heard anything, so I call. I figure, it will look like inititive, right? Her sweet, little secratary tells me she is on the other line and will call back. I wait. I wait. I wait.
No call on thursday.
I decide she must not feel well, had to leave early and feels horrible for the way she is just letting me sit here, waiting. And I am actually starting to feel bad for her, because..I could decide to take another offer at any time, except..there IS no other offer.
Friday turns into the longest, slowest day possible where I find myself full of anxiety and self-doubt.
I'm calling again.
And this time I don't care if she thinks Im desperate, I need to know what the deal is.
I was told she would call me back and of course,
that still hasn't happened.

Friday night around dinner time, the acceptance flooded my body and I realized not only did I not get the job, but this young, immature bitch cannot handle telling me I didn't get it, simply because..we somehow know eachother.
Look, wrench..if you cannot handle this small part of your meaningless little office manager position, you should step down.
Who takes these things personal? NOt me! Possibly she doesn't know that, but it shouldn't matter. It is a respect matter. If you say you are going to do something, you do it. This isn't a phone call situation between friends, where one forgot to call. NO! THis is my life on the line and my career plans and the possible income for my family of 5, who has no income.
And you know what?
I squeezed my fat-ass in those damn size 5 pants for that meeting and then sat there sucking my belly in until I thought I would pass out once you admitted you somehow knew me.
and you aren't going to give me the job?

I don' t even want the damn job. I can find something better. Screw it.
Thanks for playing.

Damn, I'm bitter.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

As the world turns

Life in the Smith Household is changing faster than I can handle.
Eric was layed off on Tuesday and not my request, the whole company was let-go. And as much as I thought that was the answer to all of our questions, when it happened, I had a direct smack in the face while realzing we are now a family of 5 with absolutely NO income. How does this happen? Being layed off is really not what we needed, it sounded nice, but the truth's scary, really scary.
The school that we were thinking of sending Eric too..well, it turns out that it costs 17,000 not 1,700. Can you believe that shit, for 12 weeks of school? I have 2 years of college education plus one year of a certificate program under my belt and my school loans still don't come close to that amount. It's highway robbery and completely impossible for us to come up with.
So, there goes that idea.
I sent a resume out and an application to a job a few weeks back and pretty much gave up on it.
Well, I got an interview and it actually went really well, considering I know the interviewer from 5th grade and also through a whole bunch of people in the dental field and she had heard good things (how?:) She is to call my next week after a few more interviews and let me know if I got it.
I don't know if I really want it! It's 3 12/hr shifts!! That's insane without children, how will I do it with three kids?! But, how can I turn it down? With no income and a job-less America, how can I turn down a job, when there is a chance I won't have another oppurtunity? So, that leaves Eric with the kids 3 days a week for 12+ hours, wow is all i can say.
But, what if he goes back to work? Who will watch the kids? I will not, I repeat..will not put them in daycare and I will not take Danny out of Preschool.
I just don't know what to do. I have to decide by Wed. and we also have to decide what route Eric will take.
School? work? stay at home dad???
I have no clue.
Im totally lost.

Monday, January 26, 2009

c'mon 40!

I have been at it all day.
I have sucessfully done our taxes-thank you children ( you do pay off once a year!)
I have sucessfully renewed my fafsa and it looks like (thanks to the addition of Andrew) I wont have to pay a penny out of my own pocket for school next semester, which is how it should be.
I have found out nothing about kindergarten registration and the woman on the phone was a nasty wench and they should really have more information online, get with the program!
I have sat waiting by the phone for Eric to call and tell me how the requested meeting with his boss went, obviously he hasn't had it yet. Eric is going to ask for a voluntary lay-off, because he will make more money than he his now (with his measly 2 days a week) on un-employment and then at least he can make money while he looks for a job.
But, I sucessfully convinced him that maybe school is the way to go.
And then over the weekend, we found this perfect program, well..perfect because it's something that he was really interested in and because the trainging was only 3 months. But, then today I found out that they do not accept federal/state funding, so that means a no-go. We couldn't get a private loan if we tried and why would we go in debt to goto school when there are plenty of schools he could attend for free (since he is in the same household I am). But, those schools are at least 1 yr. long and we can't survive without money that long.
Im job hunting, he is job hunting.
Life is rough right now, for a lot of people and I know we are in a better place than some.
Oddly enough, the hubby and I are gettng along extrememly well. Which is utterly insane. We are more broke than we ever have been before, he is about to not have a job,I can't find a job, our bills are 3 months behind, we have $10 in the bank, we're scrapping by on $40/week for food for a family of 5 and....
you would think we just started dating?!
It's crazy! There's like this whole-"we don't give a damn, we're rich in love, kids and health" thing going on.
I think it's part-denial, part-insanity, part-immaturity and part-awesomeness, because its making life a little easier.
Hey, you have to smile about something, right?
Splash Lagoon was sweet. I loved every minute of getting to ride rides with Danny and be the mom he deserves, he didn't share me at all for about 5 hours.
And then the next day I spent the whole day with Zach in the kiddie pool..which is so freakin cute with all these little slides and fountains and frogs like literally spitting on you. It was great to just be with him.
Of course.
I missed my baby horribly and even almost cried on the phone on Sat. night while talking to Eric, but it was a happy cry. Andrew was smiling for Eric and..well, I was sad to miss it but happy Eric was bonding, I guess it took kicking me out for them to click. He says Im a baby hog.
I'm on 2 striaht days of 7 hours of uninterrupted, beautiful, blessed sleep. Thats right-my 10 week old is sleeping on a 8 hour stretch like a champ and Zach is FINALLY getting out of the habit of visiting mom in bed every few hours.
I am a new woman, hence all the accomplishments today!

My dear friend Tab is having twin the next few weeks and I decided to break out the sewing machine for thier gifts. Mostly because she will appreciate what I am making more than anyone I know and also because I have neglected my hobby as of late.

I am making floor length, open back, floral sundresses. One will be pink with an applique purple heart and the other purple with a matching pink applique heart. The vision in my head is purely perfect, now just getting it done the way I want..slightly harder. And I am feeling pressured bcause I have only sewn clothes for myself and..when they dont turn out perfect, I dont care, but a gift for twin is necesary.
I want twin girls, damnit.

I am not stepping on a scale untill febuary1st and we'll see if my fail-proof, used in the past, baby weight loss methiod works as well the third time. I will say this-I do not SEE any changes, or FEEL any changes...and I might have to actually buckle down and do like a real diet plan. I have always been good at losing weight, this time may be different and I don't know if I will be able to cope, lol.

That about raps it up. Other than your normal craziness of this mother of three business and dealing with the tempermant of 5 year old and then the double trouble effect of the two youngest, seperated by only 19 months...
I hear the party starts when your 40.
I can't wait!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

a one-piece kinda girl

I am really stinkin excited because we are going to Splash Lagoon this weekend!! It's this sweet indoor water park. We got a super nice suite, hot tub included!! We went when Danny was really young and couldn't really do anything, but now he's all grown up :) and stuff sooo...I'll be able to go down the fun slides with him. Plus, Zach has never been to anything like it and absolutely loves it when we go to the YMCA and, he'll be in heaven. We're going with my mom and little sis and...we wouldnt be going any other way, because there is no way WE could afford it. Unfortunately, we decided the baby is a bit young for the whole trip, especially since temps are...crazy cold. And since Eric hates swimming in general (weirdo), he decided it would be best for him to stay home with Andrew. I hate, really hate leaving him here overnight without me. I feel guilty, but I also think Eric will appreciate thier time alone, he is looking forward to it. And...I havent really had a chance to hang out with just the older two since Andrew was born, so this gives me a chance to devote all my attention to them, which I know they have been missing. So, obviously I am stoked about the whole thing...except

wearing a swimsuit 9 weeks post-partum!
ohhhh jeeezus.
I tried on my two pieces, what a disaster. Evetrything that wasn't supposed to hang out WAS and all the other things were sagging and..I will admit, I have F'n BACK FAT!, these little dimples. What the hell was I thinking when I looked at the rear-view anyway? It wasn't pretty.
So, I have to go buy a swimsuit. Thankfully,they already put them out in the stores, which really surprised me because it's january! who goes out this time of year, directly after the holiday feasts to buy a swimsuit???
I'll tell you who-those damn skinny, children-less, adorably cute and elasticky 19 year olds.
So, I decided I am now a one-piece kinda girl. Thier back in,right?? I wan to cover as much as possible..I am considering a body suit now that I think of it.
I need a swimsuit thats equipped with a miracle bra, a tummy tucker, a hip thiner, a deep -golden tan , an acne eraser and sign that says "yeah, I still got it!"
THAT would be awesome.
Andrew had his 8 week check up yesterday.
He's now a whopping 10lbs 2oz, my little guy:)
22 in. long.
Still hanging in the 10%. But, Zach was really little at first and then around 4months and during the introduction of cereal..soared into the 75% so, we'll see.
The doc. said she was impressed with his belly-time skills.. (go me!) and that he is of course absoultely adorable (another go me)
he smiles.
only twice.
but, so far..for no one other than me!
once again,
go me!

Thursday, January 8, 2009


I must admit that
I look out houses for sale, knowing full well that I am in no place to even consider buying them.
I don't do it all the time, only once in a while. But, when I do...and when I find one that totally fits all off my essentials immenities, which rarely happens, I become almost obessed and think about this house constantly and see myself actually IN the house and outside of the house in my future, doing like normal..weird rountine things, gardening and watching my boys run around the house. They are usually about 3 years older, but I look just as young as I am now, minus 10 lbs and Eric actually has his hair cut and bear trimmed.
Is that weird?
Eric thinks I am insane, because he will come home from work and I will tell him all about this "house I found" and I rattle off the price, location, unique details as if tommorow we would pick up the phone and call to schedule a viewing (which I've considered, but I must draw the line somewhere.)
The way I see it is..
It is very important to know EXACTLY what you want out of a house and be informed about costs and property values. Also, with the economy the way it is, it is truly possible that this house or any other that I fall in love with could still be sitting lonely and un-occupied in 2-3 years when we are actually ready to buy. It has happened before. But, most importantly..why the hell am I busting my ass by getting a higher education if I am not allowed to dream of my future and plan it the way I want it?
Since Eric and I have been together, we have always been broke. And I mean...broke, below poverty level, disgustingly lacking. I have always been happy with my children, health, love and all that crap. Eric and I (and my kids, but not as much) have gone without...many things.
These are just a few examples.
I havent bought shaving cream in 2 years! Yep, 2 years. Dont worry, I shave. But, I will not allow myself tospend 3 bucks on something I dont need, although its nice and I would really love some.
I havent bought new underwear,not a single pair since...well, xmas 06 Eric bought me some.
I have one pair of pants that fit. ONE! and i refuse to buy anymore.
I have not shopped anywhere, but goodwill for myself since before Zach was born...he's almost 2.
I asked for a shower liner and a bathmat for xmas from Eric's parents...
We only own like..5 forks and 4 spoons, 4 glasses and 3 chipped, mismatched bowls and an assortment of randomp plates because we cant afford a new set. Actually, this might be a good thing because it forces me to do the dishes..a lot.

So..consdiering all that and much more I cant think of right now...
Is it so wrong to look to the future and daydream about a house that I may never step into, when at least I can relish in the hope that I still hold in my goals and dreams?
Eric is such a scrooge..why can't he just go there with me and pretend, just talk about it like it might happen.
I fear he will lose hope before me, especially as of late, with the economy spiriling down and his job balancing on the line of a possible layoff. Sometimes I see it in his eyes, he's quiet staring off into space, wondering how the hell he will support his family of 5...his 3 young boys when he loses his job. I hate those silent moments the most, when I know he is lost somewhere in thoughts full of despair, while I invision myself dancing with my kids in my brand new kitchen with it's oak cabinets and ceramic tiled floords.
So, that is how I cope.
I don't think it's crazy at all, I think it's smart and everyone should do it.
I refuse to wallow in the "what if's" and the "how's?" I will just dance in circles in my head in whatever mansion I choose for the day, with my children laughing and smiling and not a single thought in my head except "man, the ride here was rough..but, damn this is sweet."

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Now that school is over and the holidays are long gone, I have really been getting into things...some good, some bad.
The first thing is reading. I have just recently(in the past 2 years) discovered that I actually like reading. As of late, I am addicted. I cannot keep my hands off a book. I truly understand the meaning of "feeling lost without a book", but for me it is like "having no life without a book". I get totally into them and just pretty much pretend that I am like a part of the story, damn I'm such a loser. To make it worse, Im on a sci. fi. kick! Yep, total loser! So, Im in between a few series...but here are a few I highly recommend in this order: Twilight (duh), Harry Potter...I know, it sounds weak...but OMG, The Inheritance Series, The Shannara series, The Dune series, Lord of the Rings, Anne Rice's vampire works.
Those are just the sci. fi. ones I recommend. If you want a real thriller, like cannot The heart shaped box by Joe Hill.
Want to cry? Anything by Frank McCourt, although I may be partial to be him because he embraces the Irish heritage and...well, thats me. Also, My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, or...ohh..probably by favorite tear jerker thus far, if your a sap for a tragic story...The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.
By the way, I hate mysterys. I tried, a few times now. no way!
So, there are just a few. I have just started into the wonderful world of books.
kids books..I have a new favorite author and artist team. ANYTHING by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell. My favorite: Is there really a human face? and Big Words for little people. I am super excited because they have a book called It's hard to be five and I cannot wait to buy it for Danny.
Another thing I am into now is...TV. I know, I am usually anti-tv. But, lately I am getting into all these horrible, lame reality shows. I am stoked about American Idol's return, Im watching the Bachelor, Double shot at love, the biggest loser, Real world, the hills and the city...and more.Plus, my normal shows with's insane. Thank god for DVR.
Also, I started organizing. I started in the bathroom..because I have a bad habit of just throwing shit under my double sink cabinet..and its been going on for years. Well, I got rid of 2 trash bag fulls of crap I don't use. I have nothing now and I love it! it's all pretty and organized and you can find what you need. Next is my kitchen cupboards and then my closet and then the basement.
Soup Sundays!!! Yes...this is the best thing of 2009 thus far. I got a 16 qt. Soup Pot for Christmas from Eric's parents. This thing is a beast, it is the mother load of all soup pots, small pots run and hide when they see this thing. Eric and I decided that we will make ever sunday, "Soup Sunday". So, we start on saturday and make a new soup and let it cook all day saturday and then sit in the fridge overnight and then start it cooking again early in the morning, tasting it every so often and adding more of whatever it needs and then eat it all day long on Sunday and usually there's enough for monday too. I'll just whip up some Grilled cheese to go with it on monday or a big tossed salad. Yum,I love comfort foods, but soup is by far my favorite..any kind,any way.
My neighbor( a 50 yr. old mother of 3 of the nicest, most humble people I know) and I are starting up a daily walk, well..actually, she has always done it, I am just tagging along! Honestly, I am not doing it for excercise either, although thats an added bonus..I just want an hour everyday to myself to get out of the house and enjoy adult company and she is truly one of those people that makes you want to be a better person.
Actually, I believe her and her husband have secretly taken my family as thier charity case. She is giving me her 2 year old, gorgeous and comfy couch, plus on Christmas she showed up on my doorstep with a huge box full of stanless steel cookware, Wolfgang Puck brand (whoever that is), but I guess it's a big deal.
She is coming over to help me clean my carpets with her carpet cleaner and her husband, who is an electrician is going to help Eric re-wire our entire house becuase it's old and...way outdated.
They just volunteered all of this. They are great, we are so thankful to have people in our lives like them.
And the last thing I am totally into these days.
my husband! I know, weird. But, we are just right on track these days. He was home for almost 2 weeks during the holidays and it was awesome. I realized how much I miss having him here all the time and what a great dad he is and..I just love the kid.
thats about free 15 minutes is up. Babies are calling.