so be it.

You could say I am now a SAHM( stay at home mom). It has recently hit me..like JUST this moment that I no longer have work to attend to, other than the duties of the walls I reside in. And man, that feels good.
Being at home is something different. You become a better mother (I can say this because I have done the working thing and the sahm thing and personally..this is how I feel). You are either WAY more patient or completely unpatient because you never get out. You make amazing meals, which you hope your husband enjoys because you know the kids would prefer PB&J. Your house seems cleaner, laundry is caught up, dishes barely lie in the sink and the days ticks by at snail speed, but when it's over you realize you didn't get half the crap done that you intended to.
So I am adjusting to all that again. And also loving being back in school and enjoying the challenge of it. Possibly, this doesnt make me a candidate of a "sahm" but I feel like I deserve the title of both.
I am sure this semester is going to prove it's self very demanding. My chemistry class is slightly overwhelming and I have a feeling my really cool english teacher is a really hard grader. They are never as perfect as they seem. And unfortunately, I have all male teachers which totally doesnt help my situation as a pregnant student who is due BEFORE the end of the semester..or maybe it does? It might be better than the old, bitter woman who never found a man to marry and never had the gift of children.
i did speak to all my professors and they seem to think it will not be a problem and they would totally work with me. One even saying, "i've had worse cases" to which I replied, "I hope so, I don't consider myself a "case". Just like those people who think pregnancy is a disease or a condition..no, jackass..it's creation of life.
Aside from all that, letter writing went much better than anticipated. In fact, the letter I recieved was very honest and insightful. I don't think myhusband has ever said anything like that. I learned many things and although some were upseting, at least he finally admitted some of the things I accused him of. Marriage ( a good one) takes so much work. i can understand how people can just give up, but...somehow I cant. With all the work, comes all the joy. The down time equals 10x the good times and I wouldn't trade my marriage in for anything.
I also think being poor and having children way to early is a great start to a marriage. As funny as it seems,I think..."well, if we can make it through these years and still love eachother..what can we tackle together?"
aint that the truth?

in words

Today I wrote my husband a letter. Thats right, he slept in the room next to me and I sat at that damn dining room table, a million words apart and I wrote a letter as if he were an english paper assignment or even a love affair from 7th grade. I left it there, sitting next to my empty coffe cup and realized...if this doesn't help, what else is there to do?
I am frustrated constantly, tired and sick of the same damn thing over and over. I fill I am the only one in this family who truly wants to work on it and sometimes I feel like my kids and I are just a burden to the life he could have.
I yell, cry, scream, explain..nothing helps.
So, there I sit at the table at 8:00 in the morning, writing a damn letter.
and now, hours later..he writes me back. And really, I wasn't looking for a response..I just want to be heard.
I think what happens over time is you quit listening to eachother, I know I am guilty of this myself. I am more concerned with what I will say next or what my rebutle is..that I barely hear the words that leave his mouth. And that is a mistake many people make and I am no one special or perfect by any means.
I wonder constantly if I am just pregnant and hormonal or if my complains are valid. The hardest part is I feel I have no one that can relate to my situation and someone I trust enough to just tell me striaght up if ...I am wrong. It IS possible I am being irrational, demanding and ridiculous..and I fear I may be turning into one of those women I hate who burst into tears for no reason and nag thier husbands to death.
Yet, I cannot deny the dumb-ass feelings that pull my heart and sanity on strings as if I were a chaotic melody in a symphony gone wrong.
I have these beautiful children who breathe my own joy through thier lungs..and still that isn't enough.
Must I insist on a perfect marriage as well?
Am I wrong to need happiness and harmony? Or is it just the norm in today's society to live un-happy, next to eachother in bed, wondering what your life could have been like...if...if.
But, I don't want that.
I am insane. I swear I am.
And my dear husband suffers the consequences.

My Husbands Tears

I realize now that in all my 24 years of life, I have never TRULY felt for someone the way I felt for my dear Husband on Sunday when we recieved news that his Uncle had commited suicide the day prior.
Not only did I feel his grief, but it was I who was placed in the position to tell his sister, my dear friend Angie that her uncle had passed. And I tried so hard to protect her and get her home safely so she could hear it from her father's mouth. But, unfortunately I got the phone call at 9 in the morning, as I slept in the hotel ...because the night before was spent celebrating Angie's bachlorette party. And as I sit up in bed and it hits me that I now bear the burden of delivering the most devestating news to a young women who I love dearly, my heart breaks and I now understand how hard it is to watch others grieve.
My husband has lead a life free from grief, death and dying. He has been lucky to have only lost 1 person close to him before this tragedy. And that person was his grandfather, who had a long, slow death and much time to prepare. But, he hadn't yet dealt with a death which blindsides and cuts through you like a knife. This is the first time he holds "what if" questions. this is the first time he is in shock and then he's angry and then I catch him crying silently, when he thinks no one can see. And I even see how brave and strong he feels he must be for his sister and his mother. I watch his body gestures change and I swear he already knows this his existence is much more important now as the men on his maternal side of the family silently fall to thier death. I watch him kiss his 2 young boys with a much bigger heart, a heart that can deeply love now thanks to the sadness it has felt.
And how awful a feeling that resides in my soul. How much a part of me he is, how his afflictions become my own and hurt as if the man who passed has a history with me personally, and not just my husband. And for the first time, I can see my future in a new light, a different light. Not only do I see the joys of Motherhood, but the hardships. I'm looking ahead at my young boys and the life I carry in my own body and I think...how willI handle thier heartbreaks?? Will not each one tear me apart beyond repair? Am I sentenced to a life of other's suffering becoming my own? No one explained this to me about being a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend. I have learned a great deal in the past few days and my husband and I are even more a part of eachother, we have grown from despair.And now he understands why i kiss my children late at night, while no one is watching, with tears that slide down my cheek, thinking not only of my love for them, but of the sadness my heavy heart feels..because my father never kissed them goodnight.
The small baby in my belly becomes so much more than my third son. I now see why it has happened..and for the first time, his being will make sense to me, with his own special meaning to life..his middle name carrying a history I cannot explain until he is old, and a history he will not fully appreciate until he has his own children.
And through all this, Eric's Grandmother..her poor soul. So young and vibrant and strong. She reminded Eric on the phone that it was his time to go, he suffered and he needed peace. She tells my husband; who is holding back his tears with so much strength that they pour through me instead...she tells him "don't you dare lose your memories of him, memories that only you share, so many good ones..you hold on to them and kiss your boys with them."
and I think "yes, that is the best thing I have heard in days" Yet, my heart breaks for her..because burying your child must be the single most tragic thing a parent must do and I can only pray I outlive all my children and they go own without me happily remembering all the times we shared on this earth in the small, sacred time we are given.

plans for...nothing.

I am a matron of honor.
It sounds prestigious and I am sure many women imagine themselves as maid of honor/matron of honor and think....."what an honor" it would be.
It is NOT an honor. It is a whole bunch of work, stress and irritation. And after planning my own wedding without any help from anyone, helping someone else plan thiers is nerve-wracking and un-ending.
ON that note, this weekend is the fabulous bachlorette party. And let me say:
Planning a bachlorette party while pregnant is like planning a feast for a dieter. We can attend and watch, but really not partake in any real amount of fun, or anything that causes joy.
In fact, I am calling myself "the cooler" because I figure my job will end up being stomping out any drunk drama before it interferes with the bride and making sure everyone is being safe and responsible...somewhat.
Ok, so bascially I get the chance to play "mom"
Which I do for a living everyday of my life, and I am really not looking forward to doing it for adults..especially drunk ones who want to be pretend like they have no morals for the night and the next day feel guilty for everything they have done.
Not to mention..
I swear I was NEVER as self-absorbed as my dear Sister-in-law/bride to be.
She is insane...seriously, about to crack and not a single word leaves her lips unless it somehow relates to her wedding, her wishes, her big day.
She is turning into a bridezilla...quickly, very quickly.
Another thing to mention is how ridiculous it is that a pregnant women must spend a shit load on a limo AND a hotel, which neither serve any purpose to me considering I cannot drink andwould rather drive home and sleep in my own bed.
Actually, I would rather skip the whole damn thing, stay home and take care of my babies and work on growing the one in my belly.
Danny also has his first soccer game this sat. (now, THAT I am excited about!)
Zach is adorably awesome today, giving affection all night long and without any shyness..
I love my children and they have taught me to be patient and wholesome..and put up with all this dumb side stuff (like bach. parties and crazy brides)
My belly is getting big and my vericose veins even bigger..THAT I don't love.
I am going to go read some of my new book about some poor family of 12 in Ireland in the 1920's..
If that doesnt make me appreciate my life, nothing will.
Actually, I just enjoy that sappy shit...Im a loser, I know.

"no, no,no"

I realized yesterday how nice it is...to have a normal 8 hr. day at work, come home, eat dinner with my fam and go to bed at a decent hour.
It's been about 6 months since I have been able to do that. And I totally appreciated the schedule of yesterday and infact, it makes me never want to go back to school again.
school...blah.
I am totally and 100% taking advantage of this break between semesters..
On a school note:
I called Y-town yesterday(because that is where I am transfering to and doing the program at)
and they informed me..
"NO, we have no wait lists like other schools. But, we only accept 24 students a year and over 100 apply. It's very competitive and completely based on grades."
SWEET!-not! :( I had a damn 4.0 before last semester and now..probably a 3.7...soo I really need to work my ass of next semester or I can forget my chances of going.
If I don't get accepted I will be screwed because I have been working on the pre-req's for that school and not the one's around here. So, if I get rejected I won't even be able to get on a waiting list right away, I will have to take more classes before even considering applying.
such a hassle.
in between all of that, some major issues went down at work last week. Major issues meaning-somone was fired and now..one of our offices is in need of a head assistant. And who do they think of-me, of course! Granted, I am really the only one that has been around long enough to step up. But, they are about to offer me all these promises and changes that look so good right now, but are definately not what I need. I need to say no thanks,but it's hard when It is such a fast fix to problems, but will only hold me back from achieveing my main goals..school.
Aside from stupid, dumb stuff..that REALLY doesn't matter.
Danny starts soccer tonight. He is on a real soccer team with practices 2x a week and games on friday, a coach and everything..insane. He is 4! And little..and innocent and totally not ready to be knocked over by the big, bad 6 yr. old soccer bully. (ok, I'm not ready for that to happen) I cannot believe one of my children is old enough to participate in a sport....
I really am excited though and it will be super fun. And It gives me something to do now that I am on break, all I do is clean...so..I'll get out of the house at least 3x a week.
Zach is this gigantic toddler now. He bumbles around all day, following Danny, climing very tall things, falling from very tall things, eating..non stop. he eats more than Danny. His hair is finally starting to come in..I thought it never would! Blonde as can be..it will be brown soon, like Danny's. And we have totally entered the biting/hitting for no reason phase. Which is just so much fun. I say "no hitting/no biting" close to 3 thousand times a day and feel like a recording. And he just looks at me and continues on his way..chewing and smacking anything in front of him. Especially Danny, which always turns into a view of what the rest of my life will include...the life of a mother of 3 boys.