in words

Today I wrote my husband a letter. Thats right, he slept in the room next to me and I sat at that damn dining room table, a million words apart and I wrote a letter as if he were an english paper assignment or even a love affair from 7th grade. I left it there, sitting next to my empty coffe cup and realized...if this doesn't help, what else is there to do?
I am frustrated constantly, tired and sick of the same damn thing over and over. I fill I am the only one in this family who truly wants to work on it and sometimes I feel like my kids and I are just a burden to the life he could have.
I yell, cry, scream, explain..nothing helps.
So, there I sit at the table at 8:00 in the morning, writing a damn letter.
and now, hours later..he writes me back. And really, I wasn't looking for a response..I just want to be heard.
I think what happens over time is you quit listening to eachother, I know I am guilty of this myself. I am more concerned with what I will say next or what my rebutle is..that I barely hear the words that leave his mouth. And that is a mistake many people make and I am no one special or perfect by any means.
I wonder constantly if I am just pregnant and hormonal or if my complains are valid. The hardest part is I feel I have no one that can relate to my situation and someone I trust enough to just tell me striaght up if ...I am wrong. It IS possible I am being irrational, demanding and ridiculous..and I fear I may be turning into one of those women I hate who burst into tears for no reason and nag thier husbands to death.
Yet, I cannot deny the dumb-ass feelings that pull my heart and sanity on strings as if I were a chaotic melody in a symphony gone wrong.
I have these beautiful children who breathe my own joy through thier lungs..and still that isn't enough.
Must I insist on a perfect marriage as well?
Am I wrong to need happiness and harmony? Or is it just the norm in today's society to live un-happy, next to eachother in bed, wondering what your life could have been like...if...if.
But, I don't want that.
I am insane. I swear I am.
And my dear husband suffers the consequences.