my mother

is so F'n irritating.
and to trutly grasp the seriousness of this topic, you would have to meet her. I have actually had people meet her for the first time, spend time with her and then afterwards say "yeah, your mom..wow...you were right."
She is insane. Like, literally not right in the head. She has always had these issues with depression and she's also a hypochondriac, so she always has some new disease or condition, but she is also a R.N. who considers herself a doctor, so she either self medicates with all these crazy herbal stuff and she also takes herself off her depression meds for great periods of time without consulting her doctor, because "she knows what she needs"
She is also extremely selfish, immature and self-righteous. She's highly opinionated and judgemental. She will read something new in some random book and immediately all other views are completely obsolete and she will consider you a true idiot for thinking anything else.
She judges people based on where they live, not like a state like the rest of us..how we joke about West Virginia, which..by the way..I have friends from there and have vistited for extended periods of time and I find the state absolutely lovely. No, she judges people on what city they live in..I HATE THIS! "oh, you know how those Green people are..so close minded." "I hate Akron, all these damn uneducated people" and so on..
it's like
hellooooo YOU live here, I live here and we don't have any other family SO maybe we shouldn't make fun of ourselves?
She is embarrisingly loud and obnoxious, in fact..I believe it's why she has no friends.
She is never wrong, always right. She takes all of her agressions out on the first person she talks to and since she has no other support system, that's usually me.
She has failed miserably in the romance department, married 3 times...children with 2 different men and now..every man she passes is a "complete loser, scum bag, pig"
She has filed bankruptcy not once, but twice. The first time was when I was in middle school and they came in and took everything...even my damn stereo system. I thought she learned, but no,...she did it again last year. She makes 25/hour...and only has to provide for her and my 10 yr. old sister..what the hell? And then she borrows money off of me.
She is abosolutely dependant on me and my husband. We cook for her, clean for her, pick up on the side of the road because her car breaks down (weekly), I hear her cry, scream, reak havoc..so that she feels better. My husband is the "man" so he has to fix anything that goes wrong in her house, car, life...
And I know this is horrible that I am laying it out there like this, about my own mother and speaking so poorly of her. And I also believe that people should do whatever it takes for family and we do, and thats why I have never told her any of this.
and honestly
it doesn't bother me so much that she was a horrible mother my whole life. It doesn't bother me (anymore) that she used me a pawn against my father throughout my childhood to hurt him and instill fear. It doesn't matter anymore that she allowed me to live in a physically abusive home for 8 years and then she moves me into a sexual abusive house for another 5....and always took the man's side, claiming they would get better, she would fix them..yet my father was "still the ass"
It doesn't bother me anymore that we moved 12 times in my childhood, that I spent school nights either calling the cops because I woke up to her getting her ass beat or in the battered womens shelter. And I don't care that my attendance in elementary school sucked because if I wasn't overcomign a night of abuse, I was attending biker parties or staying at some random persons' house, sleeping in a strange bed with children, not knowing when I was getting picked up.
These things and MANY others that my husband and I share at desperate times, or even the things that I will take to the grave with me..
I have overcome (without the help of a professional or drugs). I think they have made me stronger, more independant, an understanding person, an honest individual, an amazing wife and a kick ass mother.
Her offenses against me have been forgotten.
But, what really kills me, what keeps me awake at night, what makes me consider the phrase "I love you, but I don't like you" or even "I think we should go our own ways"
is that
She is an awful Grandmother.
When she even tries, she fails. My own loving, adoring children don't even like her and they live everyone.
I know they just pick up on her feelings because any room she enters, she enters with baggage..she always is upset about something, angry at someone and you can almost see the despair and agression boiling on her skin and I swear my children don't want anything to do qith it.
My husband and I do a pretty damn good job of creating a household full of love and hope, despite our problems. We have built walls up around our children in an effort to protect and conserve thier innocence, something that was not done for either of us.
And she tears down these walls again and again with her thoughtless actions and vain attempts at self-less acts that end in failure and dissapointment.
And I let her
again and again
and I hate that.
yet, I cannot stop. I cannot cut the cord that tied us together 25 years ago, no matter the disease that spreads rampant through her life, finding it's way into my own.
I am blinded by the idea of what she could be. I am a victim to unconditional love in it's purest form. I am guilty for still holding belief to her words.
I am the only one who can stop this pathetic charade.
"You cannot control others, only yourself"
She taught me that.

I must confess

I just ate not one, but two m&m choc.chip cookies at 9 in the morning and soley because it sounded good, not because I was hungry or anything.
riiight, that's the kind of thing that keeps baby weight on. damn.
Today looks promising...to be stressful.
Zach has come down with an incredible case of diarehha and normally I would chalk it up to the stomache bug, as it is that time of year but, because of my recent diagnosis of Giardia..Im freaking out. It started friday and went away and then came back fully on saturday. I called the doctors, because I thought they had Sat. appointements, they don't. So, I've been waiting till right now. If somehow it IS Giardia...it's really scary because It means that somehow we were both infected and possibly, it is our water system..so anyone in may family could have it (including my in-laws..parents, sister and brother).Not only that but IF the baby were to get it, he would not be able to fight it off...
I go in at 1:40, which is just enough time to round everyone up, come home and get ready to go back to class for the first time in over 2 weeks. gag!
I HATE leaving baby, hate it! I have Never left one of my boys this early for this long (6 hours). I know he will be fine, my mother in law is possibly a better caregiver than me and I stopped doubting my husbands abilities years ago..it just hurts in that deep maternal, guilt ridden,sleep deprived..way. I've been working overtime on the pumping thing so that there is enough milk to go round, which is a first for me because I have never had to leave before..and it wears you out, producing more than needed. Im probably just exhausted in general.
I'm not looking forward to returning to school because I am behind miserably. My Chem class, or should I say THE chem class..since it really is the reason for all this madness..going to school being pregnant and crap...
well
I have missed 2 quiz's, one test, 2 labs, onelab quiz and when I return today we're scheduled for another test.
bah humbug.

have I ever mentioned my obsession with chirstmas music?
lol
Eric is about to commit music suicide because a week ago I started playing non-stop x-mas music in the house and he thinks it's insane.
I think it's jolly.
Im a nerd.
and Im ok with it.

THIS mother...

is

TIRED.

There is no other way to put it.

Everyone wants to know what it's like to go from 2 children to 3?! Let me tell you:

It's easy in the sense that you already know how to juggle more than one schedule at a time and you have already accepted the fact that as a mother, your needs are met dead-last, if at all and you also have 2 children that have learned some things you must "wait" for.

Yet, on the other hand..

it's really hard.

There is NO keeping up. While it may seem like you couldn't keep up with laundry before..forget it. Those piles are not moving for days. The dishes? My sink hasn't been empty since I've been home from the hospital and we are utilizing the "straight from drying rack to dinner table" method, which doesn't prove any more effective because now my counter space is cut in half so during the precious moments when I am holding newborn baby and filling up sippy cup for the toddler and making a PB&J sandwich for the eldest....and dishes start falling off the top of the mountain and we're all donig a dance to try and not get blasted by the "clean" dishes..which end up on the floor before the dinner table.

Showering is near impossible. Yes, baby is in the bathroom with me..safe and sound sleeping in the car seat or bouncer seat and thank god..because the horrific screams that carry thier sound to the shower as Im trying to get my 2 1/2 minutes of alone time are never -ending and result in at least: 1 broken toy, 1 child crying, 1 huge mess to clean up and 3 children to soothe...and I still haven't managed to find an outfit I sucessfully fit in, so I wander througout the house in the same 2 outfits as I painfully accept the fact that yes...three pregnancy's is harder on the body then I originally allowed myself to believe.

Bedtime has become the breakdown for the whole family. Zach is the creator of havoc...with a record breaking 27 attempts(yes, we counted) at going to sleep and that was followed by another glorious 9 visits from him in the middle of the night, which either happen directly after feeding little Andrew and settling back in for my promised 3 hours of sleep intervals or it happens WHILE nursing the baby, which gets Dad involved..which is scary all by it's self, not to mention Zach is screaming relentlessly and irrationally with all limbs and appendages struggiling to give black eyes and broken ribs as either me or dad coax him back into bed, using the ever popular "repetition" method..which is basically an attempt to not lose your mind while you do the exact same thing over and over, silently praying that THIS time will be the time it clicks in thier head...but, ohhhh...the screaming. And the screaming is what affects Danny..who whines from the upper bunk at 3am; "please, please Mom..let him sleep with you." Those dumb-ass parenting books who claim that repetition and routine are the key to any sucessful night of sleep don't account for the older brother who is being tortured by the screaming fits...

but not the little guy

oh no

he sleeps and sleeps and cuddle and nuzzles and makes those damn adorable little grunting noises, so you can't help it..

you forget all the other crap

and

you love your children

all damn 3 of them

and THAT is when you know you are truly insane.

Aside from the events in the house..outings are quite interesting.

First let me explain that I posted a lovely little note at Danny's preschool 3 weeks ago asking for a volunteer to help transport him to and from school for a few weeks (so I wouldn't have to bring baby out in the cold). His preschool which is tues, wed and thurs from 9-11:30 is 2 miles from my house. Also, dropping him off and picking him up means getting out of the car, entering the church, walking down the croweded, narrow stairs and then down the hall, turning left and waiting by the door and then getting Danny's coat and hat on, getting his bookbag and doing the same thing in reverse.

This whole routine was hard enough with 2 kids..so 3..seems..very intimidating.

Guess how many of these so-called "christain"/future PTO/Green's finest/perfect little BMW SUV driving/anti-thrift store shopping/let me pull out my little black book/ too good for you MOTHERS....

NONE!

So today was my first day where my mother or mother in law couldn't help and I was forced into starting the adventure.

It was.

sad.

:)

Zach has learned how to kick his shoes off, because he knows it means I have to out him down to pick them up..so he runs away, forget holding hands. Danny takes advantage of this time to inform me he didn't go to the bathroom before we left, he has to go really bad "NOW!", he can't carry his bookbag..it's too heavy, He's not wearing his hat because it will mess up his hair...the list goes on and on..and every word that leaves his mouth is sheer whining..which only adds to the whole beauty of the day, the 20 degree day where my 12 day old baby is forced into the outdoors.

We barely make it downstairs, now 20 minutes later after the bathroom trip, the drinking fountain trip, the replace binky in baby mouth pit-stop and the "oh shit, I hope I put in those nursing pads" freak out.

But, we made it.

And just in time to return home, change diapers, feed

and

do the exact same thing again with the knowledge that this is what I get to do 3 days a week, all winter long.

Oh the Joys!

On a non-sarcastic, much more important and un-selfish note:

Andrew's PKU test for his Thyroid came back irregular, so he was re-tested yesterday and we'll hopefully find out the results by Mon. and I am trying NOT to worry since...it was only the pre-liminary test that he failed.

but, it still sucks.

He is a great baby, just like the others. He's adorable and quiet and lovely in general. He has found his place in this home and family effortlessly and naturally, like somehow I know now that I would alwasy have 3 boys, there was just no other way. It's looking back and towards the future where you realize you have absolutely no control in your life, it's just how you deal what what you've been given.

I am also going to try and learn how to do some fun blogger stuff on here, like add pics..lol

I know,

big step!

So here's a few.

Maybe I'll actually get some readers..

other than my faithful claire!

this time tommorow.

I have no idea where I'll be.
I wouldn't say I am a control freak, in fact..Im am in general..extremely laid back and indifferent.
Yet, when it comes to the baby you have carried for nin months in your body, you turn into a protective, need to know everything, must be in control freak.
and that would be me right now.
I just wish I could go to the doctor NOW and find out, instead of wasting my morning wondering what the result will be.
Also, it may sound crappy, but at this point I hope they just send me, not because I like the idea of being induced (even though I've done it before), but because it's all I've thought about for 2 days and I already have it set in my mind that I am going and I spent ALL day yesterday with all my lovely helpers preparing for the baby to come this weekend. So, if he doesnt, then....then I will have nothing to do but wait for 3 weeks, or 2 or whatever amount of time it is that will creep by slowly.
But, I understand he should stay in there and get all fat and stuff. And since neither of my boys were big babies, Danny being 4lbs 7oz and Zach 6lbs, 12 oz, I was hoping a big ole' 8 pounder. But, I am starting to think I was not made to make big babies that go full term..because I have the easiest and healthiest pregnancy's up until the end and then terminal failure somehwere in my dumbass body and we're off the hospital, early.
So, I know whats going to happen, I've done it before..let's just do it already.
I don't feel TOO bad about it being 3 weeks early, because the cloest I have gotten to my due date was with Zach and I was ...37 1/2 weeks. And with each and every preg. I have had, I never know when my due date and it's always decided upon the first ultrasound, which they say is pretty accurate, but what if you just make slightly smaller babies and that general basis of measurement is then in fact, void.
Either way
I am just rambling to waste time. I really have nothing better to do.


Dear Claire,
my only reader.
maybe my mail will come early and THEN I will have something to waste my time with!!

Did I mention that Zach's only mission in life the last 2 weeks is to prepare me for my sleep-less nights to come? Ohhh yes. Zach has taken it upon himself entirely, feeling it his duty as newly appointed "big brother" and no longer " baby-baby of the house" to make sure that I am fully prepared to go without sleep.
Thank you Zach, thank you for your selfless efforts.
here they are:
We go to bed after reading 1, 2 or maybe 3 books around 9. And that goes surprisingly well considering they are in bunk beds and Zach is only 19 mo. old.
Roughly around 1am, Zach comes right up into bed with us, "blankey and baby" clutched to chest. So, mom gets up and we go back to his bed, where he pats his pillow, asking me to stay.

I stay, knowing it's the whole problem..but my 9 mo. pregnant body cannot deny the urge to just sleep because there is a whole full bed stuffed to the brim with blankets, animals, a baby who wants to cuddle and the snoring husband..in the other room. So, I sleep..roughly till 3am and then I manage to use the restroom for the 100th time and crawl back into bed.

Then around 5, he's baaaaaack! This time, my body cannot deny the urge to just pick him up and cuddle with him in our bed.
So, I do. And It's bad and also the whole problem here, I know. And we sleep till just around 6:15 when Eric's alarm start going off and my internal bladder alarm is also screaming
and we're awake
welcome to a beautiful day.
and all would be well if I could share that 3 hour mid-day nap with him, but unfortunately..I am forced to do things like shower and cook food....silly necessities.
all in all..I figure I am averaging 6 hours sleep now, waking at 2-3 hour intervals,moving throughout the house..
am I ready for baby?

ohh yes.

Thank you my dear Zachary.

Whats to come when he has to compete with someone slightly more hugry and in need of mom? I have no clue.
But, I think..
and don't say anything because he hasn't figured it out yet.
But I think.
Eric may have to (for the first time EVER) get up in the middle of the night.

WOAH!! Hold the train.
Impossible, you say?

Yeah, I agree.

I'll probably just go crazy.
So, when I quit writing, it will be thanks to the straightjacket and padlocked room.
because only then
will I get some damn sleep!!

Wish us luck
Im off to find something productive to do.

out with the old in with the ... old. :)

Eric came home from work yesterday with 2 huge dressers, worn with age, but solid wood and a beautifully designed wood pattern. So, today I spent my time measuring our house (which is no where near big enough for a family of 5..or even 4 for that matter). And I have decided in all my bravery too..
trash my falling apart armoire (however you spell that) and white dresser that I left home with when I was 17, were bought when I was 13 and have lived through 1 flooded basement and 5 moves and...show EVERY ounce of damage they hae recieved. So, Eric and I take the new dressers and put those into our room, which will take up every extra inch of space we didn't have to start with. And then, we will transfer Zach and Danny's clothed into the built in closets in thier room ( where we currently hold our crap). A few x-mas's ago,I was given the gift of these "kid closet organizers" so..Ill be installing those and getting rid of Danny's dresser which was also a hand me down and not doing so welll. And that will free up the dresser in the baby room, so that I can FINALLY start pulling up my baby clothes and getting them washed and prepared for baby Andrew....in the midst of all the moving of furniture and of course the non-stop sorting of the older boys clothes.."this doesnt fit, this does, this needs thrown away, this can go immediately to Zach from Danny since they are about the same size and 3 years apart!" lol..
that is my weekend in a nutshell. exciting, I know. And the only reason Eric is so apt to jump in and help..
the one dresser which will be precisly placed on the wall facing our bed has a 6 foot wide mirror on it...
and what do you think was his first thought?
Dream on buddy...I have 3 1/2 weeks till delivery and then I plan on using every 6 weeks postpartum that I can as an excuse NOT to give you your moment of glory in the mirror.
Danny's month long Halloween festivities are finally over, (thank god). The kid dressed up 8 times this month, one party after the next, parades', trick or treating, pics...im so done with Superman. Actually,I might make them dress up one more time to score pics with the carved pumpkins, but then I swear I'm done.
I am ready for October to be over and November to be here already
even though I am about 2 months behind in my normal preparing -for- baby stuff.
I really dont know how I am going to get all this done before this little guy comes. everytime I feel like I have an extra minute, I have to study...ahhh..Im also really done with classes!
BUT
I am really proud of myself,because I have been determined to work on chemistry and focus and figure this shit out.
and I took my test yesterday and..
I think I did..ok..like...maybe a B? definatey a C! and I need a 75% to being me up to 70% in the class...which means I can actually use the credit to apply to the program.
so, cross your fingers..
but hey, at least I tried!
thats all for now.
Im going back to work.

bunk beds are a...

HUGE HIT!
My kids are amazing.
I was shocked myself and I shocked other people when Danny was 18mo. old and was moved directly from crib-twin bed (w/ guardrail) without missing a nights sleep.
Well, I can offically say that..
2 nights ago, we constructed the bunk beds. And slightly apprehensive, I tucked Danny in up top and layed Zach down below (which is actually a full size mattress, so imagine how little a 19 mo. old looks) and we said goodnight. It was a total of 3 times that Zach come wandering out to the living room, each time carrying a different blankey or animal, looking slightly confused.but cool with it. And calmly I walked him back in there and tucked him good night. By the last time, he made his wishes clear by patting the pillow nexts to him. I layed down and snuggled up and sure enough he began his dozing off. I was thinking "I will only do this once..I promise myself." While Zach is drifting off and I am patiently waiting for sleep so I can sneak into the kitchen and raid the ice cream cookie sandwiches without having to share, I listen to Danny talking to himself on the top bunk and this is what he's whispering to himself:
"ohhh man...It's really scary up here, Im going to fal off...no, no I'm ok.It's ok.
ohh man, I'm really high. I really don't like this.
no, no..I'm ok..I'm ok..I'm ok"
After a few minutes of quiet I tip toed out, thinking they were both asleep. And then Danny says "mom, just come check on me in a few minutes..ok?"
and I said yes of course.
So, I did and when I come in he says "Im fine mom, you can stop now."
and that was it.
They slept all night; perfectly with not a single interuption untill 7:30 when Zach comes walking into my room and crawls into bed with me. But, thats our normal routine anyway.
The 2nd day presented a new problem. NAP TIME! hmm....I thought. Not only is it daylight, but Zach is now sleeping in what used to be "danny's room" which is huge and FULL of toys that Zach never really has the oppurtunity to play with.
But I have no choice. This is the decision I made and I was fully prepared to repeat the tucking him in process over 20 times.
It took 4 times.
4 times of me walking him back to the room and kissing all the animals again and blowing kisses for the last time.
By the 4th time I barely made it around the corner before he went running back into his room and jumped on the bed and layed down
So, I tucked him in and waited.
and waited.
waited.
5 minutes later I checked and unbelievably with all the temptations of toys and freedom, he just lays there looking around
5 minutes later he was sound asleep and slept his normal 2 hours.
and last night, night 2. It was a simple goodnight to both, shut the door and don't see them again until 7 this morning.
wow is allI can think.
I told Eric last night. "you know, this might have something to do with good parenting."
and he says
"nah...just good kids"while he smiles proudly.
and I laugh and said "yeah your probably right."

It's not all that bad.

So
I spent all morning at the lovely welfare office. I try my hardest to stay away from that place, upon entering I wonder how I ended up here AGAIN when all my goals in life were to stear me away from this dreaded place.
After standing in line for 15 minutes, I have a woman tell me that there are no more caseworkers for the day, the appointments have been filled since 8:00 am. She says I have 2 options, come back tommorow morning and line up outside in the cold around 6:30-7 and hope to get an appointment. Or I can wait 4 hours today, start the registration process and get a piece of paper that states that when I come tommorow morning at 7:00am, I get a guarenteed appt; which may be at 7:30, or 9 or 12 or 3 or 5...or anywhere in between.
I had to go with option 2. I decided to sit and wait 4 hours because #1, I had childcare today, which rarely happens and there is no way I am going to force my children to sit through this. and #2 I refuse to come down here at 7 in the morning without a GUARENTEE I will be seen.
I waited. My butt fell asleep. I got a lot of homework done. I realized I had no cash on me, didn't eat breakfast and wouldn't be home till 9:00pm tonight. ...sweet.
I got out roughly 4 hours later feeling much more appreciative of my situation. I still have a home, transportation, a loaded fridge and freezer and a whole family that support me.
These people have nothing. The man next to me had been waiting for 6 hours before he realized that 5 hours ago he should have been sent to another building (since he didnt speak english) where they could help him, since he is homeless.
at that point, sitting there in my new ohio state hoodie, studying out of my $250 text book and playing around on my somewhat- new, pink, touch-screen, sliding phone...at that point, I realized. Yeah...It's not all that bad.
I left smiling even though I wasted my whole day there and I had to listen to 2 men compare recent jail stories while they were "locked up". One was in for attempted murder and the other one robbery with a gun. The crazy thing was they talked about it like it was common and normal to live this life. It smacked my ass back into reality..back into a sheltered,young white female reality.--->which is a good place to be.
And now I sit between classes trying to work on school work..but really..not.
Other than that, I had my 34 week check up today and aside from my amazing weight gain..nothing is going on, which is good. I come back in 2 weeks and then I'm on the weekly visit schedule which is like the last and most definate sign that yes, it is almost THAT time. Soon, you will be sleepless and insane with love over yet another little peeing,pooping and puking bald man.
We found bunk beds. FINALLY. and what a bargain! Thankfully I waited for what I wanted to spend and didnt do anything dumb and thankfully I chekced craigs list one more time on sunday and was the 1st to call the seller or they would be gone. It's a metal twin on top and a full futon on bottom. I orignally wanted wooden but this one came with the matress and cover in EXCELLENT conditon for only $100. The lady was really nice and actually owns/works an in-home child care deal..so we hit it off, obviously.
And now the pieces are strewn all over my back porch in a intimidating manner, while the children jump from Danny's current twin bed to the futon matress which is laid out on the floow..and was stain free 2 days ago..which wont last long.
I am wondering how Zach will do in a big bed. The change is happening this weekend. Eric and I are going to attempt to assemble on friday night. He gets to drink beer during the process, so it shouldnt be too bad for him. But, I absolutely HATE putting things together without instructions. I read the instructions for everything..even shampoo. I swear. Weird I know, because i hate rules..yet need instruction. hmmmmm....
Trick or treating is coming up, Eric and I are doing a joint b-day celebration thing this weekend and soon it will be November...
and then the countdown to insanity really begins.