As the world turns

Life in the Smith Household is changing faster than I can handle.
Eric was layed off on Tuesday and not my request, the whole company was let-go. And as much as I thought that was the answer to all of our questions, when it happened, I had a direct smack in the face while realzing we are now a family of 5 with absolutely NO income. How does this happen? Being layed off is really not what we needed, it sounded nice, but the truth is...it's scary, really scary.
The school that we were thinking of sending Eric too..well, it turns out that it costs 17,000 not 1,700. Can you believe that shit, for 12 weeks of school? I have 2 years of college education plus one year of a certificate program under my belt and my school loans still don't come close to that amount. It's highway robbery and completely impossible for us to come up with.
So, there goes that idea.
I sent a resume out and an application to a job a few weeks back and pretty much gave up on it.
Well, I got an interview and it actually went really well, considering I know the interviewer from 5th grade and also through a whole bunch of people in the dental field and she had heard good things (how?:) She is to call my next week after a few more interviews and let me know if I got it.
I don't know if I really want it! It's 3 12/hr shifts!! That's insane without children, how will I do it with three kids?! But, how can I turn it down? With no income and a job-less America, how can I turn down a job, when there is a chance I won't have another oppurtunity? So, that leaves Eric with the kids 3 days a week for 12+ hours, wow is all i can say.
But, what if he goes back to work? Who will watch the kids? I will not, I repeat..will not put them in daycare and I will not take Danny out of Preschool.
I just don't know what to do. I have to decide by Wed. and we also have to decide what route Eric will take.
School? work? stay at home dad???
I have no clue.
Im totally lost.

c'mon 40!

I have been at it all day.
I have sucessfully done our taxes-thank you children ( you do pay off once a year!)
I have sucessfully renewed my fafsa and it looks like (thanks to the addition of Andrew) I wont have to pay a penny out of my own pocket for school next semester, which is how it should be.
I have found out nothing about kindergarten registration and the woman on the phone was a nasty wench and they should really have more information online, get with the program!
I have sat waiting by the phone for Eric to call and tell me how the requested meeting with his boss went, obviously he hasn't had it yet. Eric is going to ask for a voluntary lay-off, because he will make more money than he his now (with his measly 2 days a week) on un-employment and then at least he can make money while he looks for a job.
But, I sucessfully convinced him that maybe school is the way to go.
And then over the weekend, we found this perfect program, well..perfect because it's something that he was really interested in and because the trainging was only 3 months. But, then today I found out that they do not accept federal/state funding, so that means a no-go. We couldn't get a private loan if we tried and why would we go in debt to goto school when there are plenty of schools he could attend for free (since he is in the same household I am). But, those schools are at least 1 yr. long and we can't survive without money that long.
Im job hunting, he is job hunting.
Life is rough right now, for a lot of people and I know we are in a better place than some.
Oddly enough, the hubby and I are gettng along extrememly well. Which is utterly insane. We are more broke than we ever have been before, he is about to not have a job,I can't find a job, our bills are 3 months behind, we have $10 in the bank, we're scrapping by on $40/week for food for a family of 5 and....
you would think we just started dating?!
It's crazy! There's like this whole-"we don't give a damn, we're rich in love, kids and health" thing going on.
I think it's part-denial, part-insanity, part-immaturity and part-awesomeness, because its making life a little easier.
Hey, you have to smile about something, right?
Splash Lagoon was sweet. I loved every minute of getting to ride rides with Danny and be the mom he deserves, he didn't share me at all for about 5 hours.
And then the next day I spent the whole day with Zach in the kiddie pool..which is so freakin cute with all these little slides and fountains and frogs like literally spitting on you. It was great to just be with him.
Of course.
I missed my baby horribly and even almost cried on the phone on Sat. night while talking to Eric, but it was a happy cry. Andrew was smiling for Eric and..well, I was sad to miss it but happy Eric was bonding, I guess it took kicking me out for them to click. He says Im a baby hog.
I'm on 2 striaht days of 7 hours of uninterrupted, beautiful, blessed sleep. Thats right-my 10 week old is sleeping on a 8 hour stretch like a champ and Zach is FINALLY getting out of the habit of visiting mom in bed every few hours.
I am a new woman, hence all the accomplishments today!

My dear friend Tab is having twin girls..like..in the next few weeks and I decided to break out the sewing machine for thier gifts. Mostly because she will appreciate what I am making more than anyone I know and also because I have neglected my hobby as of late.

I am making floor length, open back, floral sundresses. One will be pink with an applique purple heart and the other purple with a matching pink applique heart. The vision in my head is purely perfect, now just getting it done the way I want..slightly harder. And I am feeling pressured bcause I have only sewn clothes for myself and..when they dont turn out perfect, I dont care, but a gift for twin girls..wow..perfection is necesary.
I want twin girls, damnit.

I am not stepping on a scale untill febuary1st and we'll see if my fail-proof, used in the past, baby weight loss methiod works as well the third time. I will say this-I do not SEE any changes, or FEEL any changes...and I might have to actually buckle down and do like a real diet plan. I have always been good at losing weight, this time may be different and I don't know if I will be able to cope, lol.

That about raps it up. Other than your normal craziness of this mother of three business and dealing with the tempermant of 5 year old and then the double trouble effect of the two youngest, seperated by only 19 months...
ahh...
I hear the party starts when your 40.
I can't wait!

a one-piece kinda girl

I am really stinkin excited because we are going to Splash Lagoon this weekend!! It's this sweet indoor water park. We got a super nice suite, hot tub included!! We went when Danny was really young and couldn't really do anything, but now he's all grown up :) and stuff sooo...I'll be able to go down the fun slides with him. Plus, Zach has never been to anything like it and absolutely loves it when we go to the YMCA and swim...so, he'll be in heaven. We're going with my mom and little sis and...we wouldnt be going any other way, because there is no way WE could afford it. Unfortunately, we decided the baby is a bit young for the whole trip, especially since temps are...crazy cold. And since Eric hates swimming in general (weirdo), he decided it would be best for him to stay home with Andrew. I hate, really hate leaving him here overnight without me. I feel guilty, but I also think Eric will appreciate thier time alone, he is looking forward to it. And...I havent really had a chance to hang out with just the older two since Andrew was born, so this gives me a chance to devote all my attention to them, which I know they have been missing. So, obviously I am stoked about the whole thing...except

wearing a swimsuit 9 weeks post-partum!
ohhhh jeeezus.
I tried on my two pieces, what a disaster. Evetrything that wasn't supposed to hang out WAS and all the other things were sagging and..I will admit, I have F'n BACK FAT! Yeah..like, these little dimples. What the hell was I thinking when I looked at the rear-view anyway? It wasn't pretty.
So, I have to go buy a swimsuit. Thankfully,they already put them out in the stores, which really surprised me because it's january! who goes out this time of year, directly after the holiday feasts to buy a swimsuit???
I'll tell you who-those damn skinny, children-less, adorably cute and elasticky 19 year olds.
So, I decided I am now a one-piece kinda girl. Thier back in,right?? I wan to cover as much as possible..I am considering a body suit now that I think of it.
I need a swimsuit thats equipped with a miracle bra, a tummy tucker, a hip thiner, a deep -golden tan , an acne eraser and sign that says "yeah, I still got it!"
THAT would be awesome.
Andrew had his 8 week check up yesterday.
He's now a whopping 10lbs 2oz, my little guy:)
22 in. long.
Still hanging in the 10%. But, Zach was really little at first and then around 4months and during the introduction of cereal..soared into the 75% so, we'll see.
The doc. said she was impressed with his belly-time skills.. (go me!) and that he is of course absoultely adorable (another go me)
and
he smiles.
only twice.
but, so far..for no one other than me!
once again,
go me!

confession

I must admit that
I look out houses for sale, knowing full well that I am in no place to even consider buying them.
I don't do it all the time, only once in a while. But, when I do...and when I find one that totally fits all off my essentials immenities, which rarely happens, I become almost obessed and think about this house constantly and see myself actually IN the house and outside of the house in my future, doing like normal..weird rountine things, gardening and watching my boys run around the house. They are usually about 3 years older, but I look just as young as I am now, minus 10 lbs and Eric actually has his hair cut and bear trimmed.
Is that weird?
Eric thinks I am insane, because he will come home from work and I will tell him all about this "house I found" and I rattle off the price, location, unique details as if tommorow we would pick up the phone and call to schedule a viewing (which I've considered, but I must draw the line somewhere.)
The way I see it is..
It is very important to know EXACTLY what you want out of a house and be informed about costs and property values. Also, with the economy the way it is, it is truly possible that this house or any other that I fall in love with could still be sitting lonely and un-occupied in 2-3 years when we are actually ready to buy. It has happened before. But, most importantly..why the hell am I busting my ass by getting a higher education if I am not allowed to dream of my future and plan it the way I want it?
Since Eric and I have been together, we have always been broke. And I mean...broke, below poverty level, disgustingly lacking. I have always been happy with my children, health, love and all that crap. Eric and I (and my kids, but not as much) have gone without...many things.
These are just a few examples.
I havent bought shaving cream in 2 years! Yep, 2 years. Dont worry, I shave. But, I will not allow myself tospend 3 bucks on something I dont need, although its nice and I would really love some.
I havent bought new underwear,not a single pair since...well, xmas 06 Eric bought me some.
I have one pair of pants that fit. ONE! and i refuse to buy anymore.
I have not shopped anywhere, but goodwill for myself since before Zach was born...he's almost 2.
I asked for a shower liner and a bathmat for xmas from Eric's parents...
We only own like..5 forks and 4 spoons, 4 glasses and 3 chipped, mismatched bowls and an assortment of randomp plates because we cant afford a new set. Actually, this might be a good thing because it forces me to do the dishes..a lot.

So..consdiering all that and much more I cant think of right now...
Is it so wrong to look to the future and daydream about a house that I may never step into, when at least I can relish in the hope that I still hold in my goals and dreams?
Eric is such a scrooge..why can't he just go there with me and pretend, just talk about it like it might happen.
I fear he will lose hope before me, especially as of late, with the economy spiriling down and his job balancing on the line of a possible layoff. Sometimes I see it in his eyes, he's quiet staring off into space, wondering how the hell he will support his family of 5...his 3 young boys when he loses his job. I hate those silent moments the most, when I know he is lost somewhere in thoughts full of despair, while I invision myself dancing with my kids in my brand new kitchen with it's oak cabinets and ceramic tiled floords.
So, that is how I cope.
I don't think it's crazy at all, I think it's smart and everyone should do it.
I refuse to wallow in the "what if's" and the "how's?" I will just dance in circles in my head in whatever mansion I choose for the day, with my children laughing and smiling and not a single thought in my head except "man, the ride here was rough..but, damn this is sweet."

Now that school is over and the holidays are long gone, I have really been getting into things...some good, some bad.
The first thing is reading. I have just recently(in the past 2 years) discovered that I actually like reading. As of late, I am addicted. I cannot keep my hands off a book. I truly understand the meaning of "feeling lost without a book", but for me it is like "having no life without a book". I get totally into them and just pretty much pretend that I am like a part of the story, damn I'm such a loser. To make it worse, Im on a sci. fi. kick! Yep, total loser! So, Im in between a few series...but here are a few I highly recommend in this order: Twilight (duh), Harry Potter...I know, it sounds weak...but OMG, The Inheritance Series, The Shannara series, The Dune series, Lord of the Rings, Anne Rice's vampire works.
Those are just the sci. fi. ones I recommend. If you want a real thriller, like cannot sleep...read The heart shaped box by Joe Hill.
Want to cry? Anything by Frank McCourt, although I may be partial to be him because he embraces the Irish heritage and...well, thats me. Also, My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, or...ohh..probably by favorite tear jerker thus far, if your a sap for a tragic story...The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.
By the way, I hate mysterys. I tried, a few times now. no way!
So, there are just a few. I have just started into the wonderful world of books.
OH,
kids books..I have a new favorite author and artist team. ANYTHING by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell. My favorite: Is there really a human face? and Big Words for little people. I am super excited because they have a book called It's hard to be five and I cannot wait to buy it for Danny.
Another thing I am into now is...TV. I know, I am usually anti-tv. But, lately I am getting into all these horrible, lame reality shows. I am stoked about American Idol's return, Im watching the Bachelor, Double shot at love, the biggest loser, Real world, the hills and the city...and more.Plus, my normal shows with Eric....it's insane. Thank god for DVR.
Also, I started organizing. I started in the bathroom..because I have a bad habit of just throwing shit under my double sink cabinet..and its been going on for years. Well, I got rid of 2 trash bag fulls of crap I don't use. I have nothing now and I love it! it's all pretty and organized and you can find what you need. Next is my kitchen cupboards and then my closet and then the basement.
Soup Sundays!!! Yes...this is the best thing of 2009 thus far. I got a 16 qt. Soup Pot for Christmas from Eric's parents. This thing is a beast, it is the mother load of all soup pots, small pots run and hide when they see this thing. Eric and I decided that we will make ever sunday, "Soup Sunday". So, we start on saturday and make a new soup and let it cook all day saturday and then sit in the fridge overnight and then start it cooking again early in the morning, tasting it every so often and adding more of whatever it needs and then eat it all day long on Sunday and usually there's enough for monday too. I'll just whip up some Grilled cheese to go with it on monday or a big tossed salad. Yum,I love comfort foods, but soup is by far my favorite..any kind,any way.
My neighbor( a 50 yr. old mother of 3 and...one of the nicest, most humble people I know) and I are starting up a daily walk, well..actually, she has always done it, I am just tagging along! Honestly, I am not doing it for excercise either, although thats an added bonus..I just want an hour everyday to myself to get out of the house and enjoy adult company and she is truly one of those people that makes you want to be a better person.
Actually, I believe her and her husband have secretly taken my family as thier charity case. She is giving me her 2 year old, gorgeous and comfy couch, plus on Christmas she showed up on my doorstep with a huge box full of stanless steel cookware, Wolfgang Puck brand (whoever that is), but I guess it's a big deal.
She is coming over to help me clean my carpets with her carpet cleaner and her husband, who is an electrician is going to help Eric re-wire our entire house becuase it's old and...way outdated.
They just volunteered all of this. They are great, we are so thankful to have people in our lives like them.
And the last thing I am totally into these days.
my husband! I know, weird. But, we are just right on track these days. He was home for almost 2 weeks during the holidays and it was awesome. I realized how much I miss having him here all the time and what a great dad he is and..I just love the kid.
ok
thats about all...my free 15 minutes is up. Babies are calling.

the holidaze

In between Christmas and New Years is a crazy place to be.
My house has not nearly recovered from xmas. The boys room is a disaster. Eric's family goes insane about them,I swear they each got about 30 presents (90% toys) which I believe is too much and I have the smallest house in the world, so it poses more problems than positives.
I took my tree down already. It was too hard with Zach constantly getting into it and throwing tree ornanaments all over the house, plus it took up my whole living room since I insisit on real trees. Mentally, I am still exhausted from the whole weekend. It was non stop on since x-mas eve. We had Dinner at my sis-in laws with all our family and hers and did a small exhance over there, came home and did our exchange with my mom and sis and then stayed up all night putting crap under the tree and we got a late start since Danny wouldnt go to sleep until nearly 11. We woke up and did our thing xmas morning and then immediately went to Eric's parents and spent all day there, because it took that long to open all the gifts. And then we packed up the whole fam and went to Eric's grandparents...which always ends up being my favorite part of the day even though I dread going over.
His grandma owns like 30 acres in the middle of nowhere and has this cabin type house out in the woods that has a trail leading back to it. They plastic the whole thing in and light the 2 wood burning stoves, put up a tree, a whole bunch of tables, fill the whole room with people and a crazy amount of delicious food and we feast and hang out. There are kids everywhere, a huge bonfire in the back, where everyone smokes cigars and drinks beer or egg nog drinks and everyone just hangs out. It ends up being the great end to a perfect day.
I hate tearing the kids away from thier toys but, Eric did it his whole life and I don't think he ever flet slighted.
It was late by the time we got home, nearly 10 and I just about passed out and havent been able to catch up on sleep since.
People have been in and out all weekend and into this week with ramdom gifts for the kids. Friends of ours who recently moved to W.V. stopped by Saturday night and it ended up being a huge reunion when some other friends swung by and we ended up playing UNO the whole night..lol..Danny was in heaven AND he practiced his colors and numbers!
My sis in law is hosting a big new years party tonight. I opted out. I refuse to ask for a babysitter and don't believe it's the right thing to do even if I HAD someone to babysit, considering Andrew's age and inability to sleep for 3 hours straight. So, Eric is going and I'm not and Im ok with it.
I'm looking forward to wrapping up the year at home with my kids, my new book and a pot of herbal tea. This is whast important to me right now and although Im missing hanging out and celebrating..there will be a new year EVERY year and I can catch up later.
Plus. I cant handle no sleep like I use to. Having 3 kids makes it impossible to survive late nights.
Eric and I and the kids drove out to youngstown yesterday to drop off my application for the hygiene program.
It is done.
There is no more I can do, but hope what I did was good enough and wait to find out if I was accepted.
I finished with a 3.4, which pissed me off because I had a 4.0 just last spring semester! Having children in college..I should say..delivery a child while attending college proves to have a negative effect on GPA's...who would have guessed?
Oh well. It is what it is.
And I would like to say, like I always do..that this year was by far the best ever.
Another year of welcoming life, the addition to my already beautiful, happy family. The completion of my pre-req's and moving forward to the next goal of my life, my children's health, my friends support and many other things.
2008 will be hard to top, but somehow I know 2009 will be better.
Happy New Years to all.

busy bee

I am insanely busy these days! Getting ready for Christmas with 3 children, one very young is proving to be very challenging!
This past weekend was a hit. 8 of my good friends went up for the horrendous browns game in the 10 degree weather, negative if you count the wind chill. We tailgated for a while and had a load of fun in the dawg pound. But, overall it was exhausting and I am still re-couping from my first 6 hours away from home with the addition of my first consumption of beer.
Since then it has been go-go-go in between last minute shopping and preparing for the craziness.
Danny is soo freaking excited, it's really all he talks about.
On top of all that, I go in today to have my birth control placed, Mirena. Im pretty excited about that because it means no more babies!! Well, for at least 5 years or earlier if I want. Go Safe SEX!
Another change is I had to give up nursing. I took the baby in because he was screaming and crying non-stop after a week of my not eating dairy. The doc. said he may be lactose intolerant. So, I tried a few days of pumping and storing while he tried soy based formula (which is the type I have always used when I switched because I have always had good experiences with it). What an amazing change. He is like a new baby, he sleeps!! And I feel like a human again because it was worse than normal newborn lack of sleep..there was NO sleep and I was running all day after the other 2! And I have never taken naps, it's not something I allow..I feel too guilty afterwards.
So, we're much happier now, although it sucks that I had to give up my special bond. On the other hand, Eric is way more involed and loves feeding him, which makes me happy.
Im off to the docs, grocery shopping and many other things..